In the Beginning..

The tree is still up. I know I should have taken it down a month ago, but I like it. With its falling needles and pale branches, it brings me comfort knowing I am not the only dead thing in my apartment. I find I always stare at this one ornament. A plastic, palm sized Mary and Joseph kneeling over the baby Jesus with a halo above them all. I think to myself how I used to be so sure about the existence of purity and goodness. When I found that ornament amongst a bunch of others, something about it was so special to me. It had meant something, then, but now, it is just a piece of plastic; another false idol aside my paper machetes door mouse and my felt alligator with earmuffs and a scarf. Although this mini nativity does hold a bit more meaning, it embodies the memory of faith and all its masks.

My mask has been removed, and I have not the luxury of faith. I have the inconvenience of knowing and the burden of reality. This didn't come at the same time as my immortality, but slightly before. I had been a single mother for 7 years. Struggling, working, trying to get ahead, without success. Highly educated and experienced in a number of fields, I still couldn't manage to find work. If a job called back and my son would ask me something in the background, the person on the other end of the line would say, "Let me call you back after I take a look at my schedule." The calls never came. A single mother is the most undesirable candidate, whether it is employment, dating, or even friendship. I had one "friend" tell me, "You haven't got any money and you never want to go party and your all about your kid. You cannot expect anyone to want to spend time with you. You're the one that didn't get married, so you have to deal." I suppose I should have mention that was an ex-friend and one thing I am grateful for is that now I will live long enough to watch her wither and die.

I'm getting off topic I think. Faith was the original subject. I love to talk about faith and all its perfection. Faith exists in and of itself and asks for everything and gives back nothing in return, yet millions posses it and reach for it. It is fascinating. So many misguided evolved animals that consider themselves elite among the rest of the fleshy kingdom as they devote themselves to something they can never and will never see, while treating those who live, breathe and exist tangibly with shame and horror. That is the true nature of humanity. It is easier to pretend to be good and ask forgiveness, as opposed to actually being good. Sinners eat their magic bread and drink their mystical wine to achieve their weekly absolution of all the hell they created before their churchly visit. It isn't complicated; it isn't beautiful; and it certainly isn't mysterious, it is just one big justification for the pain and tears created at the hands of the selfish. Were people good there would be no need for god and church and absolution, there would be universal kindness and generosity but as human nature has shown, they are in fact the worst of all beasts. The cruelest, the most barbaric, and endlessly self-forgiving. That is what makes humans so dangerous. Human beings will forgive themselves just about anything because they have the devil to blame. Quite a convenient apparition, even though he doesn't exist.

I haven't come to this conclusion because of my change; I believed this long before that was bestowed upon me. I wonder sometimes if that is why I was chosen, if that is how he found me. My mind wants to believe that it happened for a reason maybe that is my way of holding on to some version of faith in this chaotic society. I watch them all now, scrambling to their jobs, chatting on their facebooks complaining about not having this and having to wait to buy that. So frivolous, and useless, but as I'm learning...deliciously intoxicating. They were becoming animals to me before my enlightenment and now I can see them for what they are. They resemble each other as I once thought all animals of the same species did. Now when I see our companions from the animal kingdom I see souls, love, generosity and valor, something this human race has evolved its way out of in its useless wisdom. In humans, all I see is selfishness, greed, judgment and cruelty with a top layer of falsehood. The falsehood is my favorite part. I can see the evil in them. I can almost read their minds as I study their movements. I see the weak fall as the strong step over them; I see the rich bathe in gold as the poor die of starvation and I see the end of this species coming closer. The fall of Rome will be nothing compared to the extinction of the human race by their own fleshy hands, and I think I am happy that I get to watch it from a far and wonder if I'm not given the charge of helping it along.

I'm watching a mother with her child walk into their house while I sit in my car. Her body tells me that she is anxious, for freedom. She begrudgingly takes the child into the home and does the bare minimum in order to care for her. She is jealous of her daughter's youth so she shames her as she pours a large glass of wine. The little girl asks her to read her a book, but mother walks away and picks up her phone. The little girl walks into her room, lies on her bed and looks through the book herself wishing her father would come home. Her father walks in a few moments later, and the little girl runs out to greet him. He hugs her with a smile. I see the love in his eyes, but the mother, now jealous of the attention not being on her orders the child back to bed and does what she needs to do to her husband to stake her claim on his emotions. My faith in his goodness would be there, if he had chosen his child's happiness over his sexual desires. His carnal choice does not surprise me, but it does ad solidarity to my belief that humans are just prettier primates. I won't take the mother tonight, or ever, but I do this only for the little girl, I think that makes me kinder than God, for in his world he doesn't care who he hurts, he takes and leaves a wound with no concern for its bleeding, we are then left on our own; broken hearted and without that person. Death is truly unkind and far too mortal for me.

I lost my faith when I lost my Nidis. Nidis is not a thing; he was everything. A best friend, wonderful conversationalist, kind hearted, funny, handsome, and long ago, alive. If only I had changed before he was gone, then companionship would have been ours for all eternity, at least I think that is how long I'm to live, no one really explained that part to me. There cannot be an afterlife, because if there were Nidis would have found a way to come to me; talk to me; he would have made his presence known in any form. However, he never did, sometimes I let myself believe he is still trying, so that I can believe he is still somewhere in the universe, but I think it is apparent that I am living the afterlife and all else is just extinguished energy. Nevertheless, I wait for Nidis even though he will never come.

Ah, the night I changed, if only it were a good story, but it really isn't, it is pedestrian and all so pathetic. Wish I could lie and say that it was glorious, but one thing that happens after the change is lies are no longer possible. It isn't an ethical problem, it is that the human ability to deceive and lie is no longer alive within the brain and only the truth remains. I'm convinced this is why my recent race keeps to themselves most often. It is challenging and dangerous to be around humans, for they never stop prying into other people's business, not because of a sense of concern or community, but just to be involved in something that does not concern them. The selfish need to compare and feel better than their fellow man, but sometimes their prying can bring them to a being who resembles a man, but is far more superior whom they intrude upon, and if they are lucky they are sent on their way, but if they continue to pry, their frivolities will no longer hold passion. Only the memory of passion will remain, and existence will be perpetual and disappointing. Not because of the tedious, never-ending life, but because of the knowledge that comes along with it.

I did mention my son earlier, didn't I? I have a 7-year-old son and no, I he is not like me. He is still mortal, and quite lovely. He knows what I am, but doesn't care; he loves freely and without judgment. He has begged me to make him like me, but I told him he has to wait until he is 21, and I know he will thank me that I made him wait, although his soul might actually love eternal childhood, but I know for me, it would have been torture.

The world will never know his absence, and he will never know mine. I will send my own son to his eternity, and I know who will do it, because I cannot. It won't be who seduced me, that night three years ago. I had begun that story hadn't I? I suppose I should tell it, it isn't an old or a tale of woe, it is just something that happened. It began with desire and ended with eternity. It was my 34^th birthday and my friend Coty wanted to take me out for a drink. My son Giovanni wanted to spend the night with my parents, which insured junk food, soda and many cartoons. Therefore, I agreed to go out for some drinks and drown my disappointments.

We arrived at the bar around 8pm and the place was pretty much dead. Only a few people there spread around the bar room drinking and keeping to their conversations. Coty ordered two beers and was walking over to our uneven, scratched up table when I noticed a man at the jukebox in the background view. I couldn't take my eyes off him. Body tall and well proportioned, as he moved slowly to make his music selection. His profile was that of a chiseled statue that may have been sculpted in the image of an angel, I know it sounds cliché' but he really did, which is necessary in order to keep their race growing. Flawless and comforting in stature and nature, I was drawn to his beauty and familiarity. Dark brown hair, porcelain skin, had this been a bar in any other place than Massachusetts his pale appearance may have been considered strange. He looked over at me and smiled with notice. His eyes were cobalt blue, and I felt presence as he look at me. Looking at him gave me the feeling that a person gets when in a room alone but somehow know they are not. There wasn't any fear in me, just instinct and intoxication and the urge for consumption. He was recognizable even though I had never seen him before, and I could feel he knew me. He sat down at the bar and drank his beer and I waited to hear what he played on the jukebox.

The song began and I knew what it was immediately, one of my favorites and when I think about the title now, I find it amusing. It was Sunrise, by New Order. Its sound as familiar as the feeling my stranger friend gave me. I didn't know if I should approach him, I felt animalistic in my hunting of his attention, but I fought the urge. Coty noticed I was distracted and recognized the song.

"Wow I wonder who played that, it's an old one." Coty said

I motioned to the stranger with my head and of course, Coty had to turn around and look at him. I grabbed Coty and said: "Don't look at him. Jesus!"

"Why not, he is your type entirely. Go over and say something. Use the music as you're "in" I mean it is your perfect opening." Coty said as he drank his beer.

"It's my birthday and I want to spend it with my friend. I'm sure he is meeting someone. I mean have you seen him. He is beyond yummy." I said, and now that I think back, it was an ironic choice of words.

"Well I'm going over to play that game, so I'm not going to be at the table anyway. There's a hottie by the pool table that I need to show my skills too." Coty said with a smarmy chuckle.

"Oh come on.! You are not going to blow me off." I said to him, joking but a little bit serious. He replied to me, "Maybe me not being at the table will work out for you."

It did work out for me, but not in the way he thought or could even have imagined. When Coty walked away from the table, the stranger looked right at me. He motioned to the bartender and said something I could not hear. The bartender poured a dark beer, a light beer and a glass of white wine. The stranger picked up the dark beer and the glass of white wine while the bartender brought the light beer to Coty. I immediately became confused and excited at the same time, and as I watched the stranger walk across the bar towards me, I was breathless. This reaction was not usual for me, as I had lost all urges to be involved with anyone, whether physical or emotional, since I had my son. The relationship that resulted in my child was so abusive and volatile that I believed once it finally ended that it was time for me to just raise my child and live out my life. Seems funny now, how I believed there were only a few years left for me then.

The stranger walked right up to me with a closed mouth smile and placed the glass of white wine in front of me. He sat down in Coty's chair confident without arrogance, which made him all the more attractive to me.

"Shouldn't you ask if you can join me?" I said.

"I had a feeling that I was already invited. We shared some thoughts in glances. Didn't we?" he said in a deep, smooth voice. The voice of a man, but made me think of what an angel might sound like when they whisper, subtle and crucial.

"I suppose we did share a moment that body language confirmed, but do you mind if I ask you a question? It's kind of personal." I asked as I fiddled with my wine glass.

"My name is Godfrey. Was that your question?" he asked but he knew he had guessed correctly. However, there was really no guessing. He knew. He had done this before many times. Seduction was a sport for Godfrey, and I assume still is.

"Wow, Godfrey, huh? Family name?" I asked.

"Yes, it was, but it has always belonged to me. No matter what I have lost, had stolen or watched wither, the one thing that remains strong and constant is my name. In all the changes that I have had the fortune or misfortune to live through, my name has always been mine, from birth till...until my final end." Godfrey said this to me looking right into my eyes, never breaking, never blinking and making sure that I not only heard what he was saying, but that I felt it. Now as I think of it, he hinted to me all the time what he was, but his beauty clouded my rational, it was mesmerizing. I couldn't understand why he was with me, when he could have had his choice of any woman in the bar. Why was he sitting with me? Little did I know it was because I invited him, I had been waiting for him all my life, and when I saw him I knew he would change my life forever, I just didn't know how.

I glanced over at Coty to see what he was doing and I noticed the bartender bringing him another beer as he played pool with the "hottie" whom he had admired moments before.

"Don't worry about Coty. I told the bar keep to send a new beer for everyone that he finishes so his and his lady friends drinks will be flowing freely, and on me." Godfrey said as he drank his beer.

"Why would you do that? And how do you know his name?" I asked, the spell now broken and me on the defensive. Godfrey realized this, but kept his glance on me.

"I heard you say his name..."

"Yea right, from that far away and in a bar? I don't think so; you had better come up with something better than that. Who are you? Did Coty put you up to this? What kind of guy just buys beers for people he doesn't know and comes up to the oldest woman in the bar? I'm obviously not the ideal choice for companionship." I said quickly and with a clear mind. I was no longer in the cloud of his beauty, I was now awake and on the defensive, because I knew that something wasn't right.

"Why do you find it so hard to believe it is you I want to sit with, out of everyone in this place? Do you know who you are? Can you not see yourself as I have seen you?" He said, in what appeared to be honesty.

"How you have seen me? You don't even know me. You just met me." I said back at him.

"Look at me Maria. You have known me your whole life. You have been talking to me, asking me for help, calling out in the night for my protection. Look at me, and remember that you know me." He professed while he leaned into me. I pulled back.

"What are you talking about?" I said in a frightened whisper nearing misty tears. "I never called to you. I don't know you."

"Yes you do. You have asked me to help you since you were a little girl. You have begged me to free you from the trap you can't escape from and you have thanked me whenever anything seemed to be going well. I am the one who hears your prayers at night, protects you, and remains unseen. I give life and take it away. Just because you haven't said my whole name doesn't mean I haven't heard your prayers." He said this sermon with certainty and I was terrified.

"Godfrey? God? No, it isn't possible. I don't believe you." I said hiding my fear.

"I may not be who you thought you were praying to, but I was the one who was listening. I may not be whom you asked for help, but I'm the one who helped you. I may not be the one you have always worshiped, but be sure that I have worshiped you and your unwavering confidence in something you cannot see but know is there. I was the one you felt, even though it was God you were praying to, it was Godfrey who was watching over you." He emoted with seriousness and then finished his beer. Without a wave the bartender brought him another ale and me another wine as I had finished mine all in one gulp right after the speech. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All I could think was the one gorgeous man that has ever wanted to talk to me is of course insane, but he was right. I felt like I knew him, and it was that feeling that one gets when they are alone, but don't feel alone.

"You can call me God if you want, I don't mind. Many have before you and many will in the years to come. If your searching for that all knowing being with no birth and no death then keep searching because in my years I have seen no proof of him, and that devil servant of his, well I have yet to find him as well. I blame humans for what humans do and give praise when it is necessary and reward those who have suffered enough. You have suffered enough and I feel bad that I have let you wait this long for your gift; bit I had to make sure Giovanni was born. I had to see you as a mother, and you do not disappoint. You love beyond, when hope is absent and the future is bleak, you still laugh, you still love and you still live, and it is because of him." Godfrey's speech alarmed me.

"How do you know my son's name?" I asked in fear. Godfrey just smiled.

"How do you know my son's name!?" I yelled and slammed my hands to the table. If you touch him, harm him, I swear I will kill you. If you take from me the one person that has ever really loved me, I swear I will kill you slow and make you suffer; make you bed for death and even then I will make it slow, I will make you remember why life is pain." I heard the words coming out of my mouth but felt no fear, the idea of my son in danger raises in me things I never knew were there, and without regret I got up from the table, threw my wine in his face and walked away.

Godfrey stood up grabbed my arm and said, "This is why I chose you. I know you; I have always known you and I need you to come with me. I will give you the gift you have been yearning for, what you have always asked of me. He has never listened and I have been at your side in the shadows since you were born. I never left you, and he was never there. God doesn't care if you live, he doesn't care if you die, and he doesn't care at all, because if he had, you would have known his mercy, but instead you suffer and without recourse as all the evil that has touched you lives in luxury. What god would allow that? Certainly not Godfrey. I even the score; I make the evil pay for their sins. I am the bringer of karma and I love my calling. It is your calling too as it has been since you were born. That is why I am here. I'm here to give you the help you have prayed for your whole life, to answer the questions you have asked in the dark as your mind was shutting down and the dream self was taking hold. It was my voice your heard whisper to you that night in your room that scared you that you tried not to hear and made you sleep with the light on from then on, that..."

I interrupted his speech, "What are you talking about? How did you know about that? You couldn't know."

"Yes Maria I know because it was me. I called out to you, but you weren't ready. I wanted you so badly then, I wanted to make you who you were meant to be, but I scared you. So I waited. You're not afraid anymore. Are you?" he asked even though he knew the answer. I wasn't afraid anymore. Will had left me that year and all I lived for was my son. I looked at the human race with detachment and hatred over what it had become. I watched a mad man lead our country into peril while everyone sat there and took it. I then watched an evil man slide into office because the people had been beaten down, pacified, and just wanted change. I could see the lies and none other did, and at that point, I knew that I was totally alone and could not be part of it anymore. So I had shut myself off from it all and stopped looking for diamonds amongst dog shit.

"I don't know how you know that, and I don't care, I'm leaving. Coty!" I yelled out, "I want to go home."

"He can't hear you," said Godfrey, "He is otherwise engaged. Mimi is a worthy partner for this evening's pleasure, she won't hurt him, and she will make him happy if only for a few hours."

"You set this up? What are you going to do to Coty?" I asked with tears in my eyes.

"Nothing, Mimi is going to love him tonight and then be on her way. He is perfectly safe. Coty will wake up feeling better than he ever has. The humanity he has will remain and his mortal life will not be taken. Consider it a gift...for you. Now shouldn't we go somewhere and get better acquainted?" Godfrey said as he ran his hand up the side of my face and to the back of my head while leaning in to me. His skin felt like silk and his breath smelled like lilacs, I couldn't move and I didn't want to. It was innocent seduction and I couldn't escape it. "Let it go Maria, let me have you and you will find what you have been searching for your whole life. I will give it to you and. I will never abandon you." He whispered to me. My eyes closed and tears slowly erupting as he put his arms around me, I felt his face against mine, and it gave me comfort like a cool overstuffed pillow, clean but contoured to every imperfection on my cheek. I was paralyzed with hope, love and passion. I couldn't move and didn't want to; I was being consumed by his energy and was losing control. I needed to get it back, I couldn't allow myself to believe it, I needed to run but I didn't want to. "Let it go Maria, come with me and tomorrow the world will be as it has never been. It will be bright; it will be safe; it will be yours. Just let me help you find the end of this path and start your journey on your true one: a wonderful road that never ends but gets more beautiful and you never tire as you walk it."

I couldn't open my eyes and my legs wouldn't walk, my heart beat so fast in my chest that I feared in would collapse. I wanted to it stop beating, I hated that feeling of anxiety, I just wanted it to stop. Thumping and thumping in the broken down mortal shell, which limited my ability even though my mind destroyed boundaries. Pounding and pounding it just wouldn't slow down. I couldn't breathe and everything was going black, I wanted to breathe again and hoped he would let me go, but I couldn't say the words because in was afraid he would.

"I can feel your fear, but it isn't of me. I cannot break my promises, and I wouldn't if I could. I can take that cruel pain away; you will never have to pray again, I'm here to answer those prayers for you. Won't you let me?" Godfrey held me close as he whispered those words and suddenly the strength came back into my body and my mind was clear. The seduction was over and I was awake. I made my decision. I opened my eyes, looked into his and said; "God, I'm ready."