In Dating, Honesty is the Best Policy

I recently read an article online called How to Get Out Of That Boring Date, by a gentleman named Ronald Subs. The article outlines an array of strategies one can use to extricate oneself from a boring date. While Mr. Subs methods are amusing and clever, and may work for a lot of people, they really don't work for me, and here's why.

Now, first of all, I have to tell you, I am no stranger to the boring or downright dreadful date. Once I went out for Greek food with an acquaintance from work. He told me sooooo many wonderful things about himself that it became quite clear, quite rapidly that he was really in no need of anyone else to love him! Aside from that, in the midst of his long and tedious discourse, he "subtly" removed his upper plate and palmed it just above his mouth to see how I would react. This was apparently some sort of test of my open-mindedness and/or tolerance. Now, this was over 10 years ago when still I believed that I was required to remain polite regardless of what the other person was doing. So I sat there and pretended not to notice anything. Nowadays, I would probably make some tactful comment like, "Well, I could be home bathing my cat right now, so I'll be seeing you." Actually, I would probably be a lot more honest than that!

Then another time I went on a blind date. A friend (of sorts) told an acquaintance about me and me about him, and I said he sounded kind of interesting. Well, he just called me out of the blue. He wanted to know if I would meet him for iced tea. So I said, "Why not?" When I got there, it turned out that this had been a test to see how spontaneous I am. Next, he pulled out a paper test. I'm not kidding! An actual paper test with a hundred questions to see how compatible I might be to him. I (still laboring under the misapprehension that I was somehow obligated to be polite) politely told him I would rather not take a test and attempted to have some sort of normal conversation. However, he kept saying, "The purpose of this meeting is to determine our compatibility. This test is specially designed to blah, blah, blah..." Now you won't believe this but I actually said, "You know, if I had known this was going to be a 'meeting' I would have brought my pie graph and pointer!" Then I got up and left! And can you believe it? He actually called me the next day! LOL! And no, I did not go out with him again and marry him and live happily ever after.

Now, honestly, that's sort of direct approach I am all for in dating, only these days, I would be a lot more direct. That is probably why I am 50 and unmarried! But, as I said, this online article I read had other ideas. Here are a few of them. (And, by the way, these are paraphrased.)

Prepare your excuses in advance: That will surely put you in the right frame of mind to enjoy your date!

Pretend you have an appointment: "Ooops! Gosh! Is that the time? I gotta go get my tires rotated!" That's subtle.

Ask your sister or someone to call you during the date so you can pretend to have a death in the family (or some other emergency) and bail out if you need to: This sounds like something right out of an old episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. I can just hear Rhoda Morgenstern saying, "I'll call you up at about 8 o'clock, Mar! You never know! This guy might be a real loser!"

Hire a web service to call you: That is truly investing in the possibility or probability that you will have a boring date! And exactly who does this make a comment about, your potential date or you?

Tell your date in advance that you have to get up early, go to a soccer game, bathe your cat, whatever: Why bother going on the date at all? Why not just tell him you're not interested to begin with? (Then you can just stay home and bathe your cat!)

Go to a movie so you won't have to talk to him if you don't want to, but if you like the movie and seem to like him, then you'll have something to talk about after the movie: Why on earth would anyone want to watch a movie with a total stranger? Forced to sit there in the dark right next to someone you don't even know with no idea of what kind of sense of humor or intelligence (or lack thereof) he might possess for two hours or more! How on earth could you tell whether you liked him or the movie? I'd be a nervous wreck! I'd be sorely tempted to rush home (and bathe my cat) as quickly as possible after the lights went up. If I could last that long.

Only meet for coffee: OK! That one makes sense. I have actually done this. Make it clear right up front that this is just a "getting to know you" date. Have a cup of coffee, maybe a piece of pie. Take a few minutes to size each other up, and then go your separate ways with a, "Well, it was nice meeting you. Good luck! Gotta go bathe my cat!" Or "Great meeting you! I'll see you next Tuesday!"

Now, really, I can understand that you don't want to go around hurting people's feelings, and there is such a thing as tact. But there is also such a thing as being overly dramatic and playing your life for audience reaction rather than just being yourself and telling the truth. I think this is a symptom of a society that learns how to behave from television and movies and is apparently addicted to "reality shows" in which people put their private lives on display and win prizes and notoriety for being outrageous.

The thinking behind "dating escape strategies" seems (to me) to be, "Sure, I could be honest and say I'm just not sure or things aren't going the way I anticipated or I really have other things I would prefer to be doing, but that wouldn't play as well." Folks, while all the world may, indeed, be a stage, the fact is, there is no audience. If we conduct our lives as if we were players, we will end up living inauthentic lives without substance.

The bottom line for me is this: I wouldn't want some guy playing these kinds of games on me. When I meet someone for the first time, I have no way of knowing in advance whether or not we will like each other. I also have no obligation to pretend, and I believe I am better off not pretending. I prefer to be honest, and I prefer to walk in thinking it will go well. I can tell after a few minutes of standard discussion whether or not I am going to hit it off with someone. I prefer to be brave enough to have a conversation and make a decision then follow through by saying what I have decided. There should be no hard feelings surrounding practicing honesty with someone I don't even know! Anyone who is hurt by this is just too thin-skinned.

But what if I pretended to have an appointment, pretended to have an emergency, pretended I had to get up early, pretended to have a dirty cat, etcetera? What is the purpose of all this pretending? Why waste everybody's time and set up potential complications with deception? I believe that in dating, as in life in general, honesty is the best policy. So I say what I really think, and let the chips fall where they may. I try to do it politely. And it's lost me some dates and gained me some friends and a solid reputation among other honest (thick skinned) people.

So, in the final analysis, I would say this: Walk into your date or any other life situation saying "Yes!' and being open to the experience. Don't bring prepared excuses or any other tricks up your sleeve. If you arrive ready to bail out with a cute little strategy, you are very likely to do just that just so all your planning won't go to waste! Be fully present so that you can honestly respond to the person. If that response is, "Well, it's been nice, (interesting, etc.) meeting you and good luck to you, but I don't think we are a good match." so be it. Go home and bathe your cat!