In Defense of the Strong Woman

Recently I admitted something out loud to a family member. Something I have held in my heart for a very long time. Something I was seemingly ashamed to admit to anyone other than God. I admitted that I want to get married.

Somebody call Oprah! The girl finally said it!

Yes, I want to get married.

In speaking with that dear family member (a man) when I spoke those words so many have said for millennia, he said, "That's gonna be hard for you being that you're a Strong Black Woman. Your standards are too high."

"What the ---K?!" I thought. First of all, how dare he classify me. Second, why are we still doing this to women?!

Yes, I am a black woman who happens to have depth of character, strength in spirit and integrity. Please help me to understand why ANY man would want the contrary on their team.

Every man I have ever dated has said the same thing about me, "You're a strong black woman." That, along with "You're too nice", normally came right before the break up.

Honestly, do men really want some manic depressive dingy as their better half? Your chain is only as strong as its weakest link! Do men honestly want someone weak standing before them AND GOD making promises they will not keep because when the going gets tough she decides to seek out someone else.

Here's what my strength means:

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH - - I got you! If I'm standing before God asking for my covenant with my man to be blessed, all illnesses are covered. The only thing that would be excluded would be any sexually transmitted disease you get while married to me. By all laws you nullify the contract. But mental illness, sinusitis, snoring, erectile dysfunction or a blackening toenail is not going to make me run. There are pills for most of those conditions!

FOR RICHER OR POORER - - You need to have a job or be looking for one. I'll pick up the slack should things fall apart. But as a man you should not want me to carry the whole weight of the home operation. I do not expect you to do it. I've been on my own my entire adult life. I know how to handle my business. Trust and commitment, along with good communication, should let you know that I can work things out should something derail us.

Honestly, and maybe this is just my warped thought process, a marriage is a joint effort. To be the head of my household you need to be the example in order for the household to follow your lead. So if you should lose your job, you should be communicating with me what the game plan is. Whether that is tightening our belts, praying or just standing close by you while you regain your barring. We should be able to lean on one another until the trial passes. ONLY a strong woman can get through the worst of the worst and still want to stand with you.

TIL DEATH DO US PART - If I'm mad enough to divorce you I'm mad enough to kill you. So either way, I'm not just going to up and leave without a fight. Again, I personally cannot stand before God and make promises half heartedly. That's the strength of a woman.

So yes, on behalf of ALL strong women; I accept my title gleefully with hopes that a man of valor understands that, in order to have a peaceful household you would want someone on your side who knows patience, exercises grace and strives to bring peace to every waking situation; knowing that the home is a sanctuary that should always be somewhere you rush to get to.

I know too many men who will sit in their drive-ways just staring at their homes because they don't want to deal with it. You knew she was bi-polar when you married her (sickness), you knew she shopped daily when you married her (poorer), you knew she talked with her girls about everything when you married her (forsaking all others) and you sit in judgment of me wanting a man who can embrace the notion of a kind heart, gentle spirit and soft spot to fall when the world seems to be caving in.

Again, a strong woman (black, white, Latina, Asian . . . .) is going to stand with you during the trials and tribulations. She will be seeking solutions when everyone around you is yelling, "DIE!" She will see your potential and will kick your lazy ass into gear when you drop the baton. Heck, she'll pick up the baton, grab you by the collar and will cheer (as she drags) you across the finish line. She will hope you try to keep up with her. But if you don't, she will take the baton and beat the crap out of you until you figure it out!

Yes, I am a strong woman. Yes, I want to get married. No, not by any means necessary. That would mean I would have to weaken my spirit which may allow in demons I can't fight at this age.

Might I note that "You're a strong woman" is always followed by, "Men are intimidated by a strong woman."

My response to that is, "NOTHING intimidates a STRONG MAN!!!"

Honestly, any person who has a healthy sense of self and is spiritually grounded does not intimidate easily. So I'm inclined to believe there are many men sitting idle, sick and tired of the primping Prima Donna's and are seeking their greater half as well. This is also the mindset that has kept me silent all of these years. This also reveals the weaker side of my strength. When perceived to be strong, there is always a perception of not needing.

No, I do not need someone to take out my trash (a task I hate). No, I do not need anyone to take the top off of the jar for me (but I will let you). No, I do not need a big man to protect me (but, LORD KNOWS, I will let you).

I do need to be able to be vulnerable without the threat of physical harm or verbal abuse. I do need to be able to let my defenses down and to be able to communicate with my mate without the fear of him (like a 16 year old school girl) running to tell his dawgs all of our business. I do need to know that he has integrity and when I open up and ask for help he doesn't smirk and say, "Now I got you" totally ignoring what I've asked.

It's not about getting a man. If it were that serious, I would have used my womanly wows by now to get someone to marry me. No, it's not about sex or having dual income. It's about having a mate who understands equally yoked; someone who is not trying to find another spirit to damage or another game to play.

My revelation is not new nor is it unique. I knew I wanted to get married when I was 12 years old. Yes, starry eyed little Gail was standing in front of her bathroom mirror saying her new married name over and over, "Mrs. Michael Jackson." Thankfully God knows me better than I know myself and squelched my desire for that title. But my desire to be a wife has never died.

Being a strong woman allows me to know my strengths and make sensible, age appropriate decisions based on my needs, wants and desires. Although being a wife and mother (in that order) is something I once dreamed of; I am not willing to have children at (soon to be) 43. So, knowing that God truly knows me better than I do, my mate will have grown kids who are out of the house. And I will happily wait patiently for some grandkids to fuss over.

Being a strong woman allows me to know how to control my emotions and be accountable for my actions.

No, I will not just jump into a situation with a man based on his income or looks. Personally, I'm drawn to intellect. So, fine as hell with deep pockets will lose to Poindexter by a landslide.

No, there will be no exit speech should we find that we are not compatible. We will just part and thank God for the experience. I know many men are turned on when women break the windows in their cars, stalk them, cuss out their mothers and lie about the paternity of their children. I AM NOT HER!

I refuse to believe that men (as it is normally generalized) are all sitting in a huddle working out strategies on how to avoid strong women. I refuse to believe all men want a whining, emotional basket case who is waiting for them daily to complain about all of life's ills, who's only objective is to get her hair and nails done just to tell you "Don't touch me I just got my hair and nails done!"

I refuse to believe that men are scared to be with a woman who has a joyous spirit, sense of adventure and a passport; ready to see the world.

So, there it is. I want to get married. In my infinite wisdom and strength, I'm putting it out there so that the universe can absorb it and so that God, in knowing me better than I know myself, can direct it toward the right one. Because left to my own devices we will never meet. Being that I am a tad bit old fashioned I have been patiently awaiting your invitation; coffee . . . tea . . . chocolate martini's?? Conversation is a must!

On behalf of all strong, bold, brazen, virtuous, calm, patient, loving, affectionate, vulnerable, caring, sexy and intelligent women on planet earth . . . see ya soon!