IN the DOGHOUSE - Episode 1

Folks, I'm in the dog house again. When will I ever learn? This latest one started because I had bought an old ugly beat up motor home for $500. and parked it in my yard. At first my wife liked it because it was "small and kind of cute", (which I've always endorsed as a good reason to buy anything). Well the more she looked at it the uglier it got until it became a downright eyesore.

My intention when I bought it was to remodel, repaint, recarpet, and overhaul it so I could use it to go camping with her and my son etc, and then eventually sell it for a tidy profit. I went to the hardware store and bought paint, paneling, carpeting, caulking and myriad other fix - it products to the tune of about $100 fully intending to "get right on it".

It's not that I procrastinated. It's just that every time I'd get ready to get started something else would come up. For example where I live in Arizona we have extreme weather conditions. One day it was too hot, the next it was too cold. One day it was too windy, the next it rained. I also had some health problems along the way. One day my back hurt, the next my foot hurt. One day I had a bone in my leg, the next my head itched. These were all serious problems and afflictions but my wife wasn't buying any of it.

Finally she put her foot down and demanded that we sell the darn thing. It was "either it goes or I go". I looked at her for a while then at it and finally back at her. Since she was prettier than it, I'd already invested more on her and she's meaner than I am I acquiesced. I tried whining about what a tough job it was refurbishing the beast but she just came up with a novel suggestion. She suggested that she help me finish it and in return I would split the proceeds with her so she could have money for "Christmas Shopping".

Seeing a possible out to the hours of back breaking mind numbing labor and realizing it was probably going to be the only way I was ever going to get her off that aforementioned back I agreed to hire her on. Well, we never quite got it finished but we did have it looking a lot better than before.

She made up a slew of for sale posters and distributed them throughout town, (I would have done it but that day I had an eyebrow ache and my hoobazabzab disease was acting up). Right away the phone started ringing off the hook. Let me tell you I heard every cockamamie story known to man. I had one call from a woman who was bi-polar and had alienated everyone she knew so she "quickly" needed somewhere to live. She also only had $100. but said she could pay us $50. a month for the next million years till it was all paid off.

Another fellow wanted to trade us his wrecked Geo Metro that didn't run and had no tires but we could "sell it for parts". And then there was the woman with one leg who couldn't drive but always wanted to own a motor home. Since she couldn't drive it she wanted to know if she could leave it parked where it was and come over on the weekends with her 4 kids and pretend they were camping.

These were just a few of the calls we got. I didn't know that RV people were such lunatics, (Sorry Mom & Dad. I know you own an RV but I wasn't speaking about you particularly). Finally I got a call from a fellow who sounded like he was really interested and acted like he had the money. We made an arrangement to meet and when he showed up he was driving the prettiest motorcycle you ever saw. You know where this is going don't you?

Well you're right. We got to talking and he told me that his wife had told him that he had to get rid of the motorcycle. It seems she was worried he was gonna run into something with it and break his fool neck. He wanted to know if I'd be interested in trading straight across. Now you have to see this bike. It's worth about $5,000. I thought about it for quite awhile, (well actually it was about 10 seconds), and agreed to the trade.

Afterward I told my wife what had happened. I should have conveniently forgotten to tell her about why he had to get rid of it but big mouth that I am I didn't. She raised one eyebrow up so high it touched her hairline and told me I had to get rid of the offending monstrosity as well.

I begged. I pleaded. Finally, I printed out the blue book value to show her what a great investment I had made. I eventually convinced her that I had done good. Then she raised that second eyebrow almost as high as the first and said: "That's wonderful Honey as soon as you sell it for $5,000. you can give me my half. You do remember saying you were going to split the money with me? Remember?" My whole life flashed before my eyes.

I did my best to convince her that we should hang on to it for awhile. I even took her for a ride and told her what a great looking biker momma she would make. She wasn't impressed. I saw my fantasy of wearing my Heck's Angels T-shirt, hanging out with all my biker friends and drinking beer vanish before my eyes. I extolled to her the virtues of what great gas mileage it got and how much money we'd save. No Dice. She wasn't having any of it.

She crossed her arms, raised those eyebrows again and in an angry voice stated: "You promised me half and I want my "Christmas Shopping" money. I told her I was thinking about the motorcycle being our "family" Christmas present but her face just got redder, her voice got louder and those eyebrows were threatening to crawl past the middle of her head.

We weren't getting anywhere, a few insults were traded and with clenched teeth she yelled: "That's it mister you won't be having anymore sex until that thing is gone!" Dummy that I am I retorted: "Why, Have you been talking to my girlfriend?"
Well, let's just say it's been pretty cold around our house lately. She's been sleeping on the couch. I'd sleep there but you already know about my health problems.

Anyway, It's been three days now and she's back to talking to me again. She very politely informed me this morning that "Either it goes or I go!". I looked at her, then I looked at it, then I looked at her, then I looked at it, then I looked at it, then I looked at it. Then Tears started streaming and cascading from my eyes as I thought of just how much I'm going to miss her.