In My Life, I Loved You More

That Saturday started off like every other day: I dragged myself out of bed at the crack of dawn, still groggy from an interrupted 3 hours of sleep. My oldest daughter, Jaimie (five) has night frights stemming from her Sensory Integration Dysfunction. Since she was born her inability to block out or process sensory stimulation in her environment has robbed of the precious sleep she needs to function as best as she can. And my boy Xander (one), well, he feels he might miss something if he sleeps. Bottom line: I don't sleep much.

Aside from being exhausted, something else loomed in my ever-active mind. I had a ticket to see RAIN and waffled about whether to go. You see, even though I'm a HUGE Beatles fan-and had wanted to see this super group RAIN for years-I just didn't feel right going. How could I leave my Jaimie when she depended on me so much? What if she freaked out and I wasn't there to sit with her until she calmed herself (unfortunately, her over-sensitivity to touch prevents her from receiving any sort of touch-heartbreaking for a Mom with hungry arms)? Who would make sure every step in her much-needed and excruciatingly precise routine was carried through?

No, I thought. I can't go.

But a dear friend said, "Yes! You ARE going. You haven't gone anywhere since you were pregnant with Jaimie. I'll watch the kids. You have fun. We'll survive.

After much debating and forcing, I caved. I sipped a couple of glasses of Sauvignon Blanc as I got ready. My friend called a cab for me-since I almost changed my mind just before leaving-and off I went.

My seat was excellent: second row off on the right side (that would be on "Paul's" side). I listened to songs from the sixties lightly echoing through the auditorium as people found their seats. In front of me were three of the most wonderful "mom-like" ladies (they made my night so much easier!). Close to show time, Beatles trivia sprung up on the massive screens (I knew all the answers, of course!). Then-the lights went down. My heart pounded with excitement.

As Ed Sullivan introduced the "Beatles," I felt myself drawn into the original experience: Ed Sullivan, the screaming fans, the boys' moptops flailing as they shook their heads in Beatle-esque style, "Ringo's" drum beats, "George's" rocking guitar licks and the singing-dead on! I was in awe.

I danced with my Mom friends in front of me and sang every song right along-as loudly as I could (Sorry to the ladies on front of me if your hearing was bad the next day!) What I loved the most was how RAIN interacted with their audience: winks, smiles, nods, "thumbs up" and waves.

There was a brief intermission (when I called my friend to make sure everyone was okay. Jaimie zoned out and went to bed with my pillow to have my smell near her.), then back to the show! I thought it was cool how they showed commercials from the times-hilarious! Then, the lights dimmed again. I was transfixed as the boys worked through almost one entire side of the album-one of my personal favorites-- "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." From the audience was fast-forwarded to the times just before the Beatles broke up. The RAIN boys came out looking exactly how the Beatles did on their cover album for "The Long and Winding Road." Something strange happened-my emotions took over.

What made the Beatles an amazing time-enduring band was their ability to reach their audiences on every level. There isn't a person in this world who doesn't like one of their songs or know the lyrics to at least one of them. And there are some of us who were so impacted by their music it's part of who they are. I'm one of them.

You see, music-particularly the Beatles' music--has impacted me in three ways: life with my mother, life with my child and life on my own. My mother had undiagnosed bipolar. We all knew she struggled to keep it together but no one was brave enough to get her committed (believe me-near the end, she needed to be.) People hoped her love for my brother, Cam, and I would be enough for her to "snap out of it." It never was. But Mom was also a multi-talented person: Accomplished pianist, an angelic mezzo-soprano, writer, poet, artist...the list is endless. The way to relate to Mom-even in the throws of a massive mania-was through music. The good times, even though few and far between, was standing around the piano singing, playing duets with her or singing along to the Beatles. She just loved George.

Jaimie has a condition that prevents her from interacting with her environment the way other people do. Sensory Integration Dysfunction is a neurological disorder that prevents sensory information from processing correctly in her brain. Sensory information gets in but gets "scrambled" and she freaks out. Her highest sensitivity is touch. In Jaimie's entire life, I've only enjoyed a hug from her once because even discussing hugs causes her to panic. Since Jaimie was born, whenever she freaks out from over-stimulation, I sing to her. Because I can't touch her to comfort her I sing Beatles songs to her until she calms down enough to hear me and sing along as she rocks herself.

And music has picked me up, carried me through, given me strength and built my hope. Whenever I reached a level people were scared I couldn't come back from, they played "In My Life" to bring me back.

So there, in the dark, with my eyes closed, I listened to "George's" guitar licks; I laughed to "Paul" jokes; I watched "John" play; and I watched "Ringo" reach out. I cried. I couldn't help it. I cried because the Beatles' music calmed my Mom's demons; I cried because the music calmed my child I have rarely been allowed to touch; I cried because the music saved me from a life of self-destruction and turned me to a life of fulfillment; and I cried because Mom died a year-and-a-half ago due to complications of coping the wrong ways and only then-in that moment with RAIN-did I allow myself to mourn her.

The Beatles will never know or understand how their music has helped me. And the RAIN guys won't either. But I sure hope they understand how important it is to continue with what they're doing so we can all remember, mourn, laugh, love and find peace.

After the concert, I went home and gave my dear friend a hug like I'd never see her again. Then I lay next to my Jaimie, who fell asleep in my bed clutching my pillow, with her sister next to her and my baby son in his crib and I thanked God for my blessings.

Thank you Beatles-thank you RAIN.

"In my life...I loved you more"