In a Perfect World

In case you didn't notice, the world is not a perfect place. There's war, pollution, hunger, injustice, and of course Britney Spears. Even little things don't make sense: rush hour traffic not going anywhere, boxing at the Goodwill Games, DVDs showing us highlights of movies THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO WATCH.

One night, after being flagrantly overserved by a bartender, I scribbled on cocktail napkins a list of world improvements. I called it "If I Were God," then, as the beer wore on, "What Happened to My Childhood" and finally "Gibbledy Gobbledy Goo."

We'll stick with the editor-friendly, "In a Perfect World." The unabridged list is, unfortunately, swirling above a local landfill, but here are some napkins that survived the ride home.

Ahem.

In a perfect world...

* pug dogs would have a reasonable amount of skin on their face.

* boot would rhyme with foot.

* we'd get paid for the time we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding from work.

* radio stations would keep their contest money and play some bloody music.

* all of a woman's issues could be fixed with WD-40 and duct tape.

* answering machines would come with a get-to-the-point button.

* breeding laws would limit couples to one child per 75 IQ points.

* athletes would retire only once.

* no man, including the husband, would ever be invited to a baby shower.

* traffic lights would change when we honk at them.

* O.J. Simpson would have married Lorena Bobbitt.

* priests who hear confessions would get paid the same as shrinks.

* our TV's brightness control would turn up the intelligence.

* if an officer has to tackle the suspect to make an arrest, the officer would be entitled to three free punches.

*when people graduate high school, they'd also graduate high school mentality.

* the game of "peekaboo" would have an official end.

* decaf coffee would come in a different color.

* political speech writers would deliver the speeches.

* freeways would grow at the same rate as the population.

* somebody would confiscate Dennis Miller's thesaurus.

* all movies would be formatted to fit your screen without apology or explanation.

* when a woman gets a permanent, that's it -- no changing.

* lawyers would speak a language that humans understand.

* walkie-talkie cell phones would exist only in hell, where they were invented.

* sick days would include when you're sick of work.

* when teams lose on Fan Appreciation Day, spectators would get their money back.

* naming your son Sandy would qualify as child abuse.

* weight gain would be caused not by food but by some undelicious thing like televangelism.

* the Meyers would get together with the Myers would settle the spelling once and for all.

* the calf bone would have more meat on it.

* every driver would understand the Merge Concept.

* a man and woman would never know which one will end up pregnant.

* football games would never end on a field goal.

* we could surgically remove that part of our brain that plays the same snippet of music over and over and over.

* everyone would die on their one-hundredth birthday while having sex.

But the world is not perfect, so we have storms and train wrecks and Britney Spears, left to wonder about a God who would have it this way. It would be too much to handle but for a gift from this same Creator, something to iron out the wrinkles and put the whole world back in perspective. And that is lots of beer.

So it goes.