In My Private Darkness: Discussing Depression on a Personal Level

I could write a clinical mental health article; quote doctors and experts and psychiatrists, give you facts and numbers and cases that have been stripped of their horror. I could do that and stay well within the boundaries required by sites that publish articles, but that would be sterile and of no help. No book, no pages, no person can tell you the story of depression as I can - one who lives with it in its myriad forms every day of her life.

I openly share my mental health problems in the hope of reaching some lonely person on the edge of despair who can read and think, "I'm not alone..." No pity or sympathy wanted...this goes beyond attention getting - this is life in hell.

To stay high-functioning a person must do certain things. Take their medication. Get enough sleep. Avoid stress and erect barriers that keep one safe in this mad world. There are also other precautions, such as taking good vitamins and most of all, exercise. The human body is a complex machine. It must be carefully cared for, and we know now the amazing oneness of ourselves. We no longer look at simply mental or physical problems, all are tied together to make us the complex creatures we are.

On a disability pension funds are very short, so I ran out of my vitamins. Did that start the spiral? No, again it a complex thing, this human body. I caught a bug from someone and it went into sinusitis, which is chronic with me. The sinusitis itself was manageable - for a while.

If you get a cold or have a physical ailment to begin with, be alert to the opening depression has to slip in and do its devastation. My first warning symptoms are lethargy and loss of enthusiasm. Do you lose interest in daily life? That's a red flag, as is trouble sleeping or eating.

Depression is insidious. It creeps up slowly and may have a firm hold before you realize. In my case I notice that I am not washing the dishes directly after eating, and I am compulsively neat. It takes more energy than I can muster to take a load of laundry down to wash. Maybe I will bathe tomorrow instead of today. If you can track your actions and be honest with yourself you might be able to avoid a full-blown attack. However, depression is in your genes and you can't always control its actions and your reactions.

Articles I have sent to various places are being turned down and I spiral further down. When I reread them I see the problems but can't seem to rise out of the pit. The medicine for the sinusitis is a super-powerful antibiotic that makes me very ill for several days...downward again.

Being honest about your illness, and open about it, can give you some power over the inevitable. However, in the deepest darkness nothing as simple as logic does any good. I think I see sunshine peeking over the horizon and I paddle fast in its direction, reaching out to claim it for myself. Depression is not me, but depression becomes me at some point.

Try to remember that what you said and did in the pit isn't relevant to your life. You will slip off that husk and leave it behind. What matters is knowing and loving yourself enough to fight back and make the best of your time.