In Search of Energy Stars (An Odyssey)

I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people who never won anything. I would have won a free trip once if I could have scraped up the $2,000 "entry fee." I still have that "You are a Winner" notification framed and hanging on my kitchen wall, though. It's blue, so it goes with my placemats.

In spite of my lack of success, however, I've never given up hope. And, last year, just before Christmas, with the help of someone else's dumb luck, I think I finally did it. I finally won something. I wear the crown. I am the victor. And I owe it all to me.

The BUYER BE-DUMB Association has elected me its official poster child in perpetuity. Or they will as soon as I submit my application. And although I know many of you are hankering to knock me off my pedestal as the dim-witted diva of the year, I have decided, in a fit of uncharacteristic generosity, to share my secrets to success so you too, can attempt to shave several points off your own IQ.

To get into the game, you'll need a healthy dose of competitive spirit, and a genuine need to invest massive amounts of money in your house, whether you can afford it or not. Next, set aside your passion for researching large purchases to obtain the best price, product and service. Finally, take off your thinking cap or, if you're really competitive, throw it away altogether. Now you're ready to compete with me in the battle of the boneheads.

First, locate a website you've never heard of, that no one you know has ever used, based in a state at least 1000 miles away from the one in which you live, and ask them to recommend a contractor in your area.

Next, invite the first (and only) salesman who calls you over to your house after a long day at work. He must drive 60 miles in a snowstorm to get to you. He arrives on time. Be impressed. He wants to be your best friend. Let him stay as long as he likes - four or five hours will help dispel your defenses and give you a chance to really get to know him. And, remember, it's you he likes; not the color green. You can question everything, but believe every word he utters.

Sign the contract. He'll go home, you'll get to sleep, and you have three days, after all, to change your mind. Let him finance the deal, even if banks and credit card companies try to throw money at you every day. You're much too busy to call your own bank and fill out the paperwork. And you have a new friend to take care of things for you now. You will soon be the proud owner of 26 Energy Star, Energy Efficient vinyl replacement windows that would "solve the energy crisis if everyone used them." You'll be safer, warmer, and richer, in less than a month

When your three installers show up, and working industriously to complete the job in less than 12 hours, tell you that it's not necessary to seal the outside of your windows, trust in their best judgment. They are, after all, the professionals. And you are the overly confident consumer.

Two weeks after installation, there's a cold snap. Shivering in your wooly undies, you check your windows where you discover 19 of them coated in ice. You are perplexed. Ice inside your new windows and all over the window sills and frames? How could that happen? You are not a rocket scientist, but you remember from your 4th grade science class that when cold air meets warm air, condensation forms. You make a call to your contractor. They have, of course, provided a life time "no nonsense" warranty - no need to panic. It's probably just a misunderstanding. You thought they were professionals installing the utmost in quality windows. They thought you wanted holes in your house to match the ones in your head.

When the contractor's customer service department turns out to be their lawyer, don't fret, they've only cut out the middle man, thereby saving you time and money.

She promises to send one of their sales buddies to ascertain the problem right away at the end of next week. Believe him when he arrives with a pen and clipboard, steps through the door, and announces your house has far too much humidity. Evidence to the contrary notwithstanding, (accidentally electrocuting the cats with foot static, entertaining your nephew with spontaneous, daily nosebleeds) don't let your confidence in his assessment waver. His pen obviously doubles as a thermo hydrometer. He suggests you purchase several dehumidifiers and run them continuously all over your house. Due to your poor math skills, you fail to understand the energy saving efficiency of purchasing additional equipment and electricity each month. But even when you do your own measuring and find your humidity levels to be normal, you may rest assured that the brochure your company buddy presented you with (long after installation), explaining why your humidity levels must be 40% below normal when it gets cold out, in order for their windows to "operate" properly, are true. Why would he lie to you?

Follow up, of course, when the problem isn't resolved or after your chattering teeth bite off your tongue by mistake, whichever comes first. If you're really good, you'll still be able, at this point, to ignore the fact that you're an imbecile. The con-tractor, convinced the problems couldn't possibly be incomplete installation, pretty sure it isn't the windows they sold you at a 2000% profit, nevertheless invites the window manufacturer into the fray, just for your peace of mind, of course.

When the window company sales manager tells you that you're lucky he can come assess the situation in a week, believe him. When he tells you he hasn't ever seen this problem before, believe that too. It is, of course, your best interests, not his bottom line, that he has at heart. When, three weeks and many long distance phone calls to him and his boss later, they tell you it isn't the windows that are the problem, but probably your house, you might want to take that piece of information with a teeny tiny grain of salt. But allow the power of self deception to keep clinging to the icicles hanging from your nose.

At your insistence, the con-tractor's lawyer finally promises to send the con-tractor's "independent" contractor out to assess the windows. When Mr. Independent (who admits he's never actually been independent of your con-tractor or his company), in a fit of uncharacteristic honesty, explains he's seen these problems (missing insulation inside the windows, gaps in the meeting rails, non-existent caulking) many times with these windows and checks three of them, pointing out all the defects, trust that the problems are going to be resolved quickly and effortlessly. At last, your somewhat tattered faith stops unraveling.

Of course, when the con-tractor's lawyer writes you two months later that though defects are confirmed in writing, they maintain there are no defects, but will, because they're just nice people, replace seven of the "worst" windows, well aren't they helpful? Even when they replace their windows with windows that are defective in exactly the same way, and even though the insulation they first installed around the windows is soggy and useless as actual insulating material, and still, they don't caulk the outside of the windows, well, remember to keep the faith. It's summer now. Your friend, the con-tractor's lawyer insists you'll need to wait and find out if that's actually a problem - next January should be a good test. And every house develops mold at one time or another - perhaps you can turn this into an opportunity for experimental mushroom cultivation.

Just for fun, you will spend all your free time for the next year writing novellas to consumer advocate agencies. Looking at your pictures, they will all agree that something is amiss with these windows. However, at any given moment, there are millions of morons just like you competing for the Buyer-Be-Dumb title in a multitude of categories. There are only so many hours in a day for these overworked agencies to assess the competition and choose the worthiest winners. So when you find they can't help you, go ahead and sweat it out - you're lucky enough after all, to have a built in air conditioning system just standing by your windows on a breezy day.

The con-tractor's lawyer will, of course, continue to take the time and trouble to earn her paycheck, and your wrath, by ignoring and evading your questions and concerns in as many pages as will fit into your mailbox. She will even offer to pay someone to come to your house and tell you why its construction has caused their windows to be defective, thereby alleviating your concerns and exercising her creative excuse making abilities. If you decline her generous invitation, she might invite you to accept a $1,000 check to void your "no-nonsense lifetime warrantee" and go away. Take pride in the fact that you're keeping her productively occupied and providing job security while impressing your doctor with your increased blood pressure readings.

If you are diligent and determined, eventually, you will have more pictures of sagging sashes as well as the inability to close and lock the windows without the cooperative efforts of two people. You and your family are happy to have the additional quality time together. Enjoy these golden opportunities to gain arm muscle, and knowledge, extending your vocabulary with words like scam and swindle.

Sadly, you begin to realize your new friends are not really very friendly after all. Even if you decide it's time to hire a lawyer, you're still at the top of your game as far as being the biggest and best idiot that you can be. If you can actually get a lawyer to call you back, please feel free to send me their name and number. Maybe one will call me back too.

By now you're probably thinking you couldn't possibly compete in my league of moronic customer behavior. You might even think that stupidity takes way too much time and effort. But I promise if you follow the steps I've outlined and keep your eye on the prize, you too can wear the sucker's sash and the dumb-ass crown. Don't ask me to give up my energy stars though - I still can't find them.