In Search of Happiness: The First Steps in a Communication Approach

If happiness is one of your objectives, one of the first proactive steps you can take to reach that objective is to learn to accept the possibility that you may not ever reach that objective. Seriously, it may sound contradictory, but once you accept the possibility that you may never be happy, you can stop chasing happiness, or all the substitutes for happiness, and allow the real thing to come to you.

Sure, it is a sad realization, not something that is easy to accept. But that acceptance brings you a freedom to be fully who you are. I'll let you in on a little secret: no one can be truly happy if she/he isn't being who she/he is fully. Don't tell anyone; that will just be our little secret. Huh? You mean you already knew that? Then why the heck haven't you been doing the best you can to be fully you if you want to be really happy?

Truth be known, most of us don't really believe that we'll ever be happy, so we con ourselves into settling for some reasonable facsimile thereof. Instead of looking inward to find what will truly make us happy, we look around outside our selves to find the answers to happiness. TV shows, movies, books, friends, family...we look everywhere outside of ourselves for the happiness treasure when the first place to start looking is within. If you think of any element of life, you will see that it starts from an essential core and grows outward. Think of the seed of a fruit or the nucleus of a cell. Think of yourself and how you started. Why would happiness be any different?

Even after we've journeyed inward, have explored our many facets, and made the commitment to being who we are fully, if healthy, we will want to share that full self with at least one other. We, as humans, are communal or sharing beings. We come into existence as a result of sharing, regardless of the nature of that sharing, and unless we develop an illness of mind, body, or spirit, we will remain sharing beings until we no longer exist. Who doesn't know the desire and fantasy of meeting someone with whom we can truly be ourselves? Somehow, in some part of our consciousness, we know that we will only be fulfilled in relationship with someone with whom we can fully be free. And somehow, there is some part of us that doesn't allow us to be fully free even when we meet someone who stirs the hope in our breast and fuels the fire of fantasy.

At the very bottom of our inability to be fully free is fear, fear that we won't be accepted, that we won't be loved if we reveal the full self. That's not surprising since we haven't taken time to explore our full selves and are often not very aware of our still developing selves. If we haven't come to know our full selves, haven't learned to accept and cherish our full selves, then how can anyone else? That's a very good question that we ask ourselves, usually subconsciously. I have another: How can anyone come to know, accept, and love your full self if you don't ever express your self fully? The answer, which we also know subconsciously, is that no one can! When we are in relationships that we are not comfortable being our full and true selves, regardless of the reason, we have no chance at happiness. This isn't to say that we are necessarily unhappy, as in down or depressed, but it is to say that fulfillment is impossible in relationships where the full self is not expressed.

Expressing the full self becomes easier when we explore, understand and accept our full selves, blemishes and all. So how do we go about understanding and accepting our full selves? We do so through engaging in intrapersonal communication. Simply put, intrapersonal communication is interaction that we have with our selves and is the primary means of enhancing our relationship with ourselves. Although we make fun of having conversations with the self, those who aren't afraid of having those conversations are more likely to understand and accept the full self. Don't be surprised to find that those individuals are freer than most and happier as well.

To understand most things, we ask questions, we observe, we pay attention. To know the full self we must ask questions of and about the full self. We must seek honest answers about the full self and when we get those answers, we must examine them closely. As we go about our daily existence, we need to pay attention to the self. Treat the self as an object of scrutiny and learn. As in trying to understand and appreciate the taste of a wine, we must roll the full self around on the tongue so to speak.

As we purse the elusive objective of happiness, what are some initial questions to ask in the exploration of the full self? You may want to start with, "What is happiness?" Now you may be different, but in my experience that is not an easy question to answer definitively without a lot of thought. In fact, that is a question that you need to keep asking your self over time, because the answer is sure to change with experience and growth.

When I speak of asking questions of the self, I don't mean asking and answering questions in your mind. I'm sure you have heard that it's easier to remember things that you write down. Writing something down also gives you something to go back to for reference when needed. In our technological age, a session of audio or audiovisual recording would be just as effective as pen and paper or keyboard and screen. If you are a blogger or vlogger, use that forum to ask and answer your question. It is your question and your answer so you can be as creative as you want to be. A key thing to remember, though, is that the question and the answer are both about you. They aren't for anyone else's entertainment. They aren't to show anyone else how cool and hip you are. They are for you to begin the process of exploring, understanding, and accepting the full self.

A second question you might want to ask yourself early in this process is, "What would life look and feel like if I were happy?" Again, allow this conversation to take place in real time and space. For example, I wrote, "For me to be happy, my life would include contributing significantly to the lives of other in some meaningful way; sharing a loving relationship with someone with whom I can fully be and who can be fully with me; having enough time and resources to make play (golf, tennis, board games, cards), and leisure (reading, movies, the beach) a significant part of my life; and to experience continued growth and development as a human being." Those are key elements of happiness for me, but may be nowhere on your list.

What matters is what you identify as the sources of your happiness. If you haven't done this in some fashion, then your being or becoming happy is strictly a matter of blind circumstance. If you don't know what is likely to be the source of your happiness, how is anyone else with whom you are attempting to share a relationship? How can you convey what is likely to make you happy to a relational partner if you haven't discovered that yourself?

Without asking and answering the question of your happiness, you may still find it, but chances are you're likely to find quite a bit of frustration before you do...if you ever do. Oh, and remember, there is no guarantee that knowing what will allow you to be happy will actually allow you to be happy. But that shouldn't stop you from doing everything you can to help happiness find you; now should it? Until the next installment, "don't worry, be happy!"