In the Trenches - Parenting Difficult and Challenging Teens

Upon reading Christine Cadena's article titled "Teenagers, a Guide and Resource to Parenting a Troubled Teen" available on Associated Content at:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/28436/teenagers_a_guide_and_resource_to_parenting.html, I felt compelled to add a little first-hand experience and comment to her excellent article.

Cadena points out standard research on physiological hormone changes and the brain development going on for teenagers during puberty, and this can be incredibly helpful for parents who may be wondering what on earth they've done to produce such a sudden monster! Understanding some of what is happening can be helpful, but it doesn't necessarily make living with a challenging and difficult teenager any easier.

By nature, I'm a pretty calm and laid back person, but I'm not ashamed to share the reality that it's incredibly difficult to stay that way when faced with a snarling slew of expletives and flying objects - even if I understand how temporarily and hormonally insane my teenager is!

I've taken the classes, I've read the books, I've visited with specialists…positive reinforcement (check), natural and logical consequences (check), seeking help and guidance (check), right now what I think I have most on my side is time. Fortunately, I have three teenagers and only one of them is particularly challenging and "textbook" for a troubled teen - drinking, smoking, drugs, flunking, stealing, angry outbursts, authority difficulties (I told you I had earned my badge with first-hand experience!). One of the pluses to having more than one child is that a parent can realize how non-personal the child's behavior and choices are. The flip side is that I can't exactly take credit for the straight-A's and the positive behavior choices either!

What has been helpful for me more than anything is having friends and other parents to talk with - even my own parents have become invaluable to me in their experience. It is one thing to mention teenagers and have people roll their eyes and move away from you, it is quite another to have dependable resources who are willing to listen to your tales and offer advice, suggestions or just plain stories of challenges they have survived. What has not been helpful is the comments from judgmental people (usually without children of their own) who say, "I would never tolerate such and such," or "when I was a teenager, I couldn't have gotten away with that!" Of course, I thought I had all the answers myself when I was holding that sweet brown-eyed babe against my chest almost sixteen years ago! But, time and experience have taught me that her individual path, is not exactly what I envisioned all those years ago.

It has also been a positive move for me to get and maintain control of my own household. I'm not by nature a very strict person, but it felt horrible for me when I was first dealing with my daughter's outbursts and feeling like she was running roughshod over the entire family. By setting some basic ground rules and predictable consequences, I know longer feel like I am reacting to every crisis that comes along. She still breaks the rules and pushes the envelope, but I feel confident in my consistent response. I started to let her face the consequences with school, family, friends, etc. instead of feeling like I had to step in and try to intervene. It was a real challenge for me to let go of feeling ashamed and judged as a "bad parent" because of my child's behavior. But once I was able to draw a boundary between where I stopped, and she began, I felt much more in control of my environment. I realized that I cannot control her behavior and choices, but I can control my reactions and I have a right to set limits in my own household - whether she adheres or not!

Finally, I know it's been said to death, but having a sense of humor is definitely carrying me through these challenging years. When my daughter says things attempting to be hateful and hurtful and attacking me because she is feeling poorly or doesn't get what she wants, it really helps me to keep it in perspective and be able to laugh at the kookiness of the whole thing. I've developed such an appreciation for being middle-aged! (I can't understand why our culture is so youth-centered - what on earth is there to idolize about a sixteen year-old?!) While I do sympathize and empathize with my teenager, I also try to give myself a break and laugh off what I can. I figure, there's really only room for one crazy woman in my house at once!