Increase Your Child's EQ: Ways to Boost Emotional Intelligence in Your Family

Children with a high emotional quotient (EQ) are more successful in life, say many experts. Emotional intelligence is one of the key components to leading a successful, fulfilling, and happy life. We all want our children to lead happy and successful lives, so how do we increase their emotional intelligence in order for them to do so?

First of all, it's important to understand the four parts of emotional intelligence:

1. perceive or sense emotions

2. use emotions to assist thought

3. understand emotions

4. manage emotions

I believe that even newborns use part one. Newborns are sensitive to atmosphere and the emotional state of their primary caregiver. Toddlers can begin to use part two: "use emotions to assist thought" though the process is largely unconscious. Understanding and managing emotions is a lifelong process. We, as parents, can help our children to understand their emotions and the emotions of others; while teaching them to manage, not repress their own emotions.

According to child psychologists, a child with a higher emotional EQ is better able to cope with his or her feelings; can bring himself down from an emotional high-wire; understands others and relates well to them; and forms strong friendships more easily than a child with lower emotional intelligence.

Toddlerhood presents a great opportunity for teaching emotional intelligence. A toddler's emotional state is very mercurial, careening from great joy to great frustration to heart-breaking sadness in just a few minutes. These moments are when your little toddler is making leaps and bounds in his emotional growth. The safe and secure family circle is the best place to teach him how to manage those strong feelings and calm himself down.

Anytime you have helped your child to understand and handle his overwhelming feelings like anger, frustration, or confusion, you are helping him to develop his emotional intelligence.

You can help raise your child's emotional intelligence level by steps called "emotional coaching." Some of these steps include:

Listen and reflect. First, listen carefully to your child when he talks about how he feels, and then mirror it back for him. If he or she recently has acquired a new sibling, you can ask if he feels left out, or sad, or frightened by the changes. If he agrees, go on to validate him. "You are right, Mommy and Daddy are all excited about the new baby, and it seems like you are getting left out." You can share a time when you have felt similar emotions (even if you have to partly make it up!). It is such a relief to a child to realize that everyone has felt that way, and that the feelings pass.

Name those feelings. Toddlers have a hard time describing what they feel. That's why that angry-sounding yell works for a variety of emotions. You can help build your child's emotional intelligence by giving him words for his feelings: disappointed, frightened, excited and so on. You do have to be a little bit of a detective, but don't worry if you don't label every emotional episode. You and your child have years to work on this emotional intelligence thing together.

Validate his emotions. "I don't see why you are scared, there's nothing to be scared of." "There's nothing to be upset about." Yes, we've all said these things. But acknowledging his emotions go a long way to helping him to manage them. "It can be scary to try new things, can't it?" allows him to feel scared and know that that it is okay to feel that way.

Use conflicts to teach resolution. This involves a lot of scripting for your toddler and even preschoolers. "I know you are upset with your sister for grabbing your crayon, but you may not hit her." Provide your child with alternate ways to get angry. These ways can be stomping feet; doing an angry dance; punching pillows or the couch; singing an angry song or whatever works for your family and your child.

Set an example. Watch carefully how you respond to your child's emotions. Do not be harsh when you are angry. It is acceptable to say "It upsets me when you do that" instead of "You are driving me crazy!" Excessive criticism chips away at your child's emotional self confidence as well.

Be honest about your own feelings. When you pretend you aren't angry and you are, this is confusing for your child. Showing your child that difficult feelings can be managed by acknowledging your upset without criticism or harshness goes much further in teaching emotional intelligence than talking about it.

It is never too late to work on your own emotional intelligence. And having children is a great reason to learn.