Increase Your Website Traffic and Content Page Views Through Racketeering and Strong-arm Tactics

Even in these troubled economic times, internet commerce is booming. But, like free enterprise in the non-cyber world, it's still a dog-eat-dog competition for consumer dollars.

How do you, the internet entrepreneur, get the most out of the web's potential? Advice on this abounds. Do a Google search and you'll find terms like "Search Engine Optimization" (SEO), "Meme Tracking" and "Social Bookmarking".

But I don't know what any of that means and, frankly, neither do you.

Forget the latest buzzwords. The best way to increase traffic to your web content is through the tried and true methods of racketeering, strong-arming and blackmailing. These sorts of business practices go all the way back to the Ming Dynasty of China. So why buck tradition?

But wait. Aren't strong-arming and racketeering illegal?

Yes. That's why you should always use an alias (or "username" in webspeak) to throw the authorities off your scent. Some examples of usernames include: #1KanyeFan, GreginSeattle82 and Ryan_Chapman. But these sorts of aliases give away too much information and could provide clues with which investigators might track you down. So I suggest coining a handle that's both more anonymous and a little more ominous. Like Morpheus. Or Witch'sFingers. Or DeadEyeShane. Make it mysterious.

So you've picked your username. Now what? How do you strong-arm people into clicking your website?

First, take your Blackberry (or PDA of choice) to a crowded public space and say, "Hey you, read my articles." The nearest person to you will then stop and ask, "What articles?"

You say something along the lines of, "My associated content articles, duh!"

They'll say, "Well, I don't know what that is."

Now get your Blackberry ready and ask for their email address. Very likely they'll refuse, but be forceful. The stooge might try to walk away, but that's when your muscle-bound lackeys should step in to insist that he fork over his email.

The stooge will then probably glance around for help from a lookyloo or a police officer. But don't worry, there's never one around. So he'll likely suck it up and spout out his email address all sort of mumbly and halfhearted. Make sure he annunciates it clearly. The last thing you need is for one digit to be off.

So he says his email address and swears that it's his real one. Great. Now you've got him. Go in for the hard sell. Make your website sound interesting. For example, here's what I typically say: "All right, I'm sending you a link to my content page. On it you will see articles about college football, screenwriting, film reviews, bigfoots and how to rub vinegar under your boyfriend's ballsack to see if he's cheating on you..."

This kind of pitch never fails.

Now tell him what he should do once he reaches your website. Here's another example, "I want you to click the articles open. You can read 'em if you want, but it don't really matter. Be sure to scroll down to the bottom and click open each page. Then move on to the next one. Don't stop until you've done all 48 just like that. If you want you can leave me a little comment in the chat box."

Now shake his hand but grip it real tight, pull him near and give him a stern warning that he'd better keep his word. Let his hand go, wipe the palm sweat on your pants and watch the stooge speed-walk back to his car so he can race home to click on your website.

I estimate about half my page views came this way.

Now, what if when you say -- "hey you, read my articles" -- nobody responds?

This means you have a rogue crowd and you're going to have to target somebody specifically. This is a tricky endeavor because rogue crowd individuals feed off each other's defiance. But in every crowd there will always be at least one stooge ripe for the picking. The key for you is knowing how to spot one.

How to spot a stooge.

A well-trained eye can spot the perfect stooge from two city blocks away. For you, the novice strong-armer, it'll take some practice, but generally you're looking for a white male between the ages of 30 and 45 who has stubby legs, tiny gentials, a super "innie" bellybutton, lacks a noticeable spine, has nipples that are freakishly far apart and sort of stands like a douchebag.

Why do these specific traits denote a potential stooge? That's still a mystery. But, for some reason, dupes always share these characteristics. It's just the way it is.

Now what if a stooge gives you too much flack?

That's simple. You either break his kneecap or dislocate his thumb. Whichever method you prefer makes no difference. Both actions are highly motivational to the stooge.

How to break a kneecap.

The best way to break a knee is with a blunt object such as baseball bat, a tire iron or a retractable baton such as was used to remove Nancy Kerrigan from Olympic contention in 1994.

If you are without a blunt object, no problem. By employing the correct technique, you can actually bust a knee with very little force exerted.

Taken from All-Karate.com:

"Bring the right knee up to about waist level and strike down and outward at an angle of about 45 degrees, striking at the opponent's knee joint from the side. Curl your toes back and strike with the knife-edge of your foot. Raise your body weight upward as you begin the knee joint kick. Then drop your body weight into the kick to add more power."

A demonstration of the knee-breaking technique.

Dislocating a thumb is also super easy. Simply grasp the stooge's forearm and then bend his thumb back toward his wrist until you hear a "pop". The stooge might be screaming at this point, so listen carefully. You want to stop immediately after the pop as there is a danger of snapping the thumb clean off if bent for too long. A stooge in the hospital with a missing thumb is likely to forget to go to your website and then all your strong-arming has gone to waste.

So there it is. The best way to increase traffic to your web content is through good old-fashioned coercion and intimidation. SEOs, memes and bookmarks are for chumps!

Happy extorting and good luck!