Indoor Tanning: Tax Drives Millions into the Sun

I guess the real sun is just too big to block and monitor for the government to tax. Our esteemed representatives in Washington are floating the idea of taxing the next best thing, tanning beds. Can you imagine? How are they going to enforce this one? I can see a million ways around this one. Imagine a IRS agent pulling over a car on the freeway. "Excuse me miss, can I see your tanning license?" The agent asks sternly. "I don't have a license sir, I was born this color" she replies meekly. "What do you mean you were born that color?" the officer frowns, "that is obviously an artificial tan induced by a twelve hundred watt Sun Master F74 bulb!" The lady looks down at her lap. "Your not fooling me for a minute lady, your coming with me." The officer tucks his color chart back into its holster, "If you tell me where you got that illegal tan, I might take it easy on you." The lady looks back defiantly, "I laid out in the sun on vacation last week in Key Largo!" The officer looks disgusted, "Like I haven't heard that one before, O.K. lady that was your last chance, let's go."

Can you imagine light bulbs being stolen from stadiums and coated with a mixture of 3-M light films and the grease from a chicken's kidneys. There would be the home units where housewives get embroiled in tax evasion schemes so their friends look freshly toasted. The Indoor Tanning market is a five billion dollar a year business. Could a tax on their use drive millions from the relative safety of indoor bulbs into the hot summer sun, with all it's nasty UV rays? Could the tax on their use become a catalyst for the indoor spray painting booths to take off? Are the people who are behind this actually owners of a large chemical tanning cabal trying to drive the cost of bulbs up in order to capitalize on the tanned trend? How is it that Barbara Boxer who is from California is the palest woman in human history? While Nancy Pelosi actually looks like she was embalmed ten years too early? Is that makeup, or could it be a spray on tan? (are those Lee press on lips) I think she is jealous of women who can tan naturally?

I guess we could just cut to the chase and just tax cancer directly. Or better yet, how about we just tax the sun? Too hard? Well, you know that if "cap and trade" passes, they will have failed in taxing every breath. However they will succeed in taxing every exhale. Amazing isn't it? If we could only figure out a way to tax ignorance. (I have found out that ignorance is bliss, I haven't been happy in years) I got an idea, how about we fine/tax any congress-person who shows up for work drunk one million dollars. They can all afford it. I really don't think there is such a thing as a poor person in congress, is there? If there is, please let me know so we can start a charity or something. It is just so un-american to be poor. You know why we can never increase taxes on the rich? They have gone down steadily since the late 1800's. There is a very simple reason, and it has nothing to do with the fact that there are no poor reps. The reason is that everyone in America believes that one day that they will be rich. God forbid they tax themselves even before they make it.

If you haven't picked up on the subtleties, I am a bit of a cynic. I know what your thinking? REALLY? A CYNIC? Yes Virginia, Santa Clause is a cynical bastard. Oh, I am so sorry I cursed. There we go, The Great American Swear Jar. Tax profanity, oh, that's right, the FCC is supposed to do that. But we all know that you can say, "Penis, damn, hell, bitch, slut and several other words," on television at the seven o'clock hour (CST) without so much as a wag of the finger. Don't give the finger, they don't like that. If your on cable, you can say way more than that. That is the answer, a national swear jar. We could call it the GASJ tax so that foreigners think its a tax on fuel. Then if by some chance a Canadian working here says a bad word, you can make them pay quadruple. If we find that the tax isn't living up to our expectations, we could expand the list of swear words, you know add words like Bush or Dukakis or Pelosi (sounds like a stripper stuck to the pole). Within a year we could pay off the national debt, pay for health-care and get rid of that nasty breathing tax along with it. Please forward me your possible bad words along with their connotations/definitions so we can get the ball moving on this one....good luck, and for god's sake, hold your breath.....