Infertility Due to Diabetes

Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test became a common thing for me. When I did get a positive pregnancy test a few days later I would miscarry. This seemed to be a common occurrence with me and I could not understand why or what was the matter with me. With each negative test I would blame myself for the inability to conceive and then when I did conceive the miscarriage would happen and I would be right back to mentally abusing myself. I felt like a failure and I let myself know I was a failure. I would stand in the mirror and just look at my body with hate and disgust. Over and over again I would ask myself "what is wrong with you?" I would spend hours crying and dealing with so much emotional pain. I finally had developed such a hate for myself that I lost all sense of self and health. My identity was based upon being a mother and I was so desperate for a child and so frustrated that I could not get pregnant. I decided unconsciously to abuse my body and not care. I never ate vegetables or fruit. I lived off of junk food and soda. Not only were my eating habits bad but I refused to exercise as well. Treating my body so poorly had its effects upon my health.

I began to gain a lot of weight and I started to have no energy and I felt bad almost all the time. I was going to the doctor to find out why I was miscarrying and why there were times that I could not even conceive. Doctors would say "you are fine. Maybe it's just emotional." I then went to my family doctor to find out exactly why I had no energy. I knew something was not right with my body. In spite of me hating myself I still tried to listen to what my body was telling me. The doctor took tests for my thyroid and sure enough it was only a hair off but it was off enough that I needed to be put on sythriod ( which is a medicine used to treat hypothyroidism) I was on the medicine for about two months and I still felt awful. I took more blood tests and found out my thyroid had leveled out and was unsure of what to do next. Something within my body was still not functioning right.

My doctor then began asking me questions about my family health history and my own. I told him that I was diagnosed with Diabetes when I was little and that I used to be on insulin. Somehow though my body grew out of it and sugar never affected me. The Doctor then decided to do some diabetic testing and when the results came I was more than shocked with what news I would hear.

The phone rang one spring afternoon in March of 2006. I held it to my ear and listened to the voice mail that the doctor had left for me. The news was that my blood sugar was over 400 and I was diabetic. My world was crushed. Not only could I not have children but now I would have to take insulin. I was so upset that instantly I locked myself in the bathroom and cried and cried. I stared into my own eyes in the mirror and wondered how I could betray myself. Betrayal was how I felt. I myself had betrayed me by not taking care of my body and then my body betrayed myself by getting sick and not functioning right. I was scared and concerned. This news was a real wake up call for my life because I had to take insulin when I was a child and I hated the needles. Pain was never my forte. I had heard many horror stories about diabetics loosing limbs and I was not going to be one to loose my limbs. I'm not a tree that can be cut down and torn apart.

Realizing that something had to be changed within myself to get healthy again I had to first change my emotions and my outlook towards myself. I then got a notebook and wrote positive things about myself. Such as I am beautiful and I am healthy. I would read them to myself every day ten times. This helped me become my own best friend. After all, the only person that can really know the body is the self. Then I started to change all my thinking from negative thinking into positive thinking. The thoughts of having a child went out of my mind because my focused had changed. I realized I was not ready to be a mother and I had many things I wanted to do with my life before I chose to have a child. Found out what my dreams were and then I chose to go for them. I then realized that emotional issues are not just going to change my physical being. I must make physical life changes as well. So I got a job, got vegetables and started eating healthier. When I would go out to eat I would drink water and eat salads. I would also walk on my breaks and because of those choices I began to feel healthier and my life began to change. I discovered that my diabetes was of my own fault and I needed to love myself and take care of the me I have been born into.

Needless to say, I still have not had a healthy live birth yet but I do not blame myself anymore when I miscarry or if a test is negative. I am not even trying to have a baby anymore. I see life now as a beautiful thing and I am looking forward to the new adventures that will be coming my way. Letting depression come into my life is not going to help me be a better person. When you neglect yourself, you cause all kinds of issues with your mental state as well as your physical being. To fix diabetes it really is a matter of life style. If you want to be healthy you can over come the disease and make better decisions. All it takes give love to your self and choose to treat yourself with great respect.