Infertility : A Personal Account of the Pain of Miscarriage

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time I was very excited! Granted I was young and just married, but I knew I wanted to be a mother the moment that stick turned pink. I followed up with my doctor a few days later and she confirmed my positive result! My husband and I celebrated with a quiet dinner at home. The next morning I woke up with the worst stomach cramps in my life. I went to the rest room to find that I had begun bleeding. I was scared! I called my husband for help and he called my doctor. My doctor told me to go to the emergency room right away. After waiting worried out of my mind and in pain for three hours a doctor finally came to speak with me. "I'm sorry" he said "but you have had a spontaneous abortion."

"A what?" I asked. He then proceeded to explain to me that I had had a spontaneous abortion or a miscarriage. That was pretty much all that I was told. I went to the library and on the internet to find out what I had done wrong? I was a smoker, though I quit as soon as I suspected I might be pregnant. Did I unknowingly hurt my unborn child before I knew it existed? Why did this happen to me? I was consumed by grief and guilt. How could I be so attached to something I had only known existed for about two weeks? After my initial bout with depression, I armed myself with knowledge.

I discovered that about one in four women experience a miscarriage. I also learned that most happen because of early developmental or chromosomal defects and not because of any fault of the mother. As a matter of fact the deterioration of the cells can begin before the mother even realizes she is pregnant. Also having one miscarriage does not make you any more prone to having another. No infertility treatment is usually necessary unless a woman has three or more consecutive miscarriages.

I however did end up having three consecutive miscarriages, my third resulting in a procedure known as a dilation and curettage or D&C. The purpose of the procedure is to remove the dead tissue from the lining of the uterus. The same procedure is used to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. I was placed under general anesthesia and was allowed to return home the same day. I was in no pain following the procedure; however the same familiar guilt and mourning were with me. I asked my doctor if these feelings were normal and I was assured that they were. She suggested that I seek out support groups and consider medication to cope with my depression if it became worse. After about three months I was feeling like my old self again and began talking to my doctor about possible infertility treatments or tests to discover the cause of my reoccurring miscarriages. My doctor suggested I begin an exercise and vitamin regiment and then to try again to get pregnant after three months. I was scheduled for a lab visit one month later to test my nutritional and hormone levels as my doctor wanted to monitor them for that intermediate 3 months. At that lab visit she detected low levels of hCG or human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone associated with pregnancy.

My doctor monitored me closely giving ultrasounds at each prenatal visit and my pregnancy was considered high risk. Each week I was on edge, monitoring my diet, being vigilant in my exercise routine, and trying to assure myself that every thing was going to be okay. After I made it through my first trimester or thirteen weeks of pregnancy, I was some what elated. The worry was still in the back of my mind. At twenty weeks I was able to actually see a form in the ultra sound that looked like a baby. Easily distinguishable head, feet, hands. This gave me yet more comfort. Then around twenty-four weeks I could begin to feel the baby move. This gave me both constant reassurance and worry over the babies well being, when I could feel it move I knew everything was alright, but if I didn't I was worried that something was wrong. After 41 long weeks I finally gave birth to a healthy baby girl of six pounds and thirteen ounces. It was the most memorable day of my life to that point and it was worth all the pain and worry.

To any other woman or couple dealing with the pain of infertility I urge you to not loose hope. I know that well meaning people can say things they don't even realize are insensitive like, it was probably for the best, or there are always reasons for these types of things. Try not to take these comments to heart. It was NOT for the best and it likely didn't really happen for a reason. It was a terrible loss that you will never forget and you had no control over it. Talk with your doctors, read books and articles like this one, and most of all seek support of people who understand what you are going through. There can be happiness after loss and there can be strength after weakness. Arm yourself with knowledge and remember it is not your fault.