Infomercials and Global Warming (Sex, Lies and Late Night Video Tape)

OK, I admit it, I am a staunch anti-anthropogenic global warming person/scientist/gentleman/scholar. I try to remain vigilant and non-complacent towards those that believe in the hotter side of things. But it's hard. I mean, what have I got to offer you all? Piece of mind I guess, but that's hardly enough in this day and age. What I need is something big...really big...the kind of news that can do battle with the ever increasing landslide of bad-news items that constantly spills forth from the hot heads (global warmers) out there. Before long the global warming scam artists will start marketing their side of things on infomercials late at night...somewhere between "Girls Gone Berserk in El Salvador" and the "All In One Veg-a-meat-a-fish-a-matic food processor/trash compactor." They will of course be selling things like "Snore Asphyxiator" (reduces both snoring and carbon dioxide poisoning of the atmosphere through low-level asphyxiation.) or "Carb-oxy Clean" (Just one spray helps eliminate harmful carbon dioxide buildup inside the house. Also reduces methane concentration in the bathroom...and deodorizes too. Do not use near plants.) "If you are still a little bit worried about carbon dioxide levels in your own personal space, you can purchase a new item that I will soon be selling on late night television (might as well take advantage while I can)..."The Plant Necklace" (designed to get rid of that nasty extra carbon dioxide that you breathe out all day long). There are both regular versions...designed for everyday wear and evening attire...and robust versions...for the athlete or real blowhard in the family. The risk of side effects are low, but may include headaches, nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps, hair loss, unwanted hair growth, dry mouth, blindness, and in rare cases...death. Please test a small unseen area of the body for both color-fastness and the possibilities of anaphylactic shock. Additional sides effects may include low sex drive together with an erection lasting more than four hours in men...and low sex drive in the presence of any man taking ED meds, in women.

For the last quite a few years I have tried to be on the up and up...presenting a supported logical point of view concerning the subject of global warming. I have offered helpful bits of information that may help you see why the pro global-warmers are not only wrong...but are taking you to the cleaners and you don't even know your pants are off! To their credit, however, this issue has become one of the most (if not THE MOST) widely believed falsehoods ever perpetrated on the global general masses...EVER! And, by buying into this message, billions (yes, that's billions with a "B") of dollars are leaving our hands...pockets...shoes...mattresses, making its way into the nether world of the poly-sci-eco activists every year. On top of that, global governmental policies are being set and some whole cultures are being asked to bend over and pick up the soap (would ya mind?).

So, what kind of person are you? A lie, half true...or a truth, half lie (it'll tell you a lot about yourself). First of all, the real truth is...there is no truth. The whole entire subject of anthropogenic global warming is nothing more than conjecture...a hypothesis at best! And, on top of that...if there were any truth to it at all...the outcome, or consequences, of global warming are totally and completely guess work! I mean ask yourself why is EVERYTHING associated with climate change a bad thing? Rule number one is...the climate is ALWAYS changing! And rule number two is...we the people, cannot change rule number one!

So, in the spirit of the global warming community out there I'm going to offer you something big for just believing that global warming is not all it's cracked up to be. By just trying this point of view...you will sleep much better at night knowing that you are NOT going to be responsible for the crappy world that your children's children's children will be born into (at least from a climate perspective). You will be happy that your children's children will actually be able to have those children (you know what heat does "down there") without the men purchasing those new "AC Shorts" - the first thermostatically controlled personal undergarments designed with global warming and sperm longevity/motility in mind...off of the pay-per-infomercial channels. And finally, just for sampling the cooler side of things, you will save enough money by NOT donating to the Coalition of Carbon Dioxide Whistle Blowers, Save Your CO2 (a group expressly dedicated to the elimination of heavy breathers and asthmatics) or Al Gore's next motion picture production of: "Stranger Than Fiction" - a documentary that supports the idea that the moon is really made up of Camembert cheese...to donate to a real live cause (take your pick)...or buy that new and improved whatchamacallit that you saw on TV the other night. Oh, and yes...if you come over to my way of thinking...your sex life will be the best you ever had...guaranteed!