Ingredients of Love: Do You Have Them All?

Recently one of my friends got dumped by her boyfriend. She was dumped exactly eight months to the day when they first began dating. I met the man she was dating only a handful of times. I did not dislike the guy, but I didn't think he was a great catch either. My friend claims she has been destroyed by this break-up and that she will never find a "love" like this one again.

Hearing her say that she loved him bothered me. I have been in a relationship for over three years and I definitely love the person that I am involved with. I have a simple recipe for love. The ingredients for love are: trust, respect, mutual adoration, attraction, and the possession of similar morals and values by both parties.

Here's the trick to love. All of the ingredients for the above recipe have to be stirred in and incorporated equally.

Think about it. You can trust, respect and adore someone, but if you are not physically attracted to the other person, then what you end up with is more of a strong friendship than love. If you trust, respect, and are attracted to your partner, but you really don't possess the same morals or values, then your relationship will inevitably deteriorate. I hope that I don't need to explain that even the strongest physical attraction with the absence of all of the other ingredients is simply lust, not love.

Now, let's get back to my friend's story. I mentioned earlier that I didn't think her boyfriend was a great catch. I'll provide you with his stats. He is 29 years old. Currently, he is employed, but during several months of their relationship he was not. He smokes and is balding. He drinks daily and dedicates certain nights of the week to going to specific bars. For example, every Tuesday night he can always be found at a bar called The Pub with his friends, even during the months when he was unemployed and should have been working on his resume. Do I need to point out the idiocy of a jobless man having a designated bar night each week? I hope not. One more thing, he still lives with his parents.

I am perplexed as to how this guy has "ruined her for life" (her words). First, they only dated for eight months. That is definitely enough time spent to qualify as a relationship, but certainly not enough of a significant duration to have life insurance policies on each other. During their courtship he was only semi-steadily employed and lived with his parents, where he has always resided. I guess my question here would be: how could someone that has so little impact on society actually ruin you for all other men?

Let's take the ingredients of love and see if they were stirred in equally in the now broken relationship.

Trust. They both seemed to bring that ingredient to the pot. She trusted him with everything. She provided him with a key to her apartment; she introduced him to her son. In return, she met his parents and even occasionally stayed at their house. Neither was concerned with cheating.

Respect. She thinks the world of him as evidenced by her diluted thinking of her being ruined for all other men because "he is so great" (again her words). He displayed respectful behavior towards her, but not in the proportion that she gave to him. For example, even though he was provided with a key to her apartment, he would always call and ask to come over because he felt that since he did not live there, he should not show up unannounced or without her permission. This action was undoubtedly respectful on his behalf, but here is where we begin to see some discrepancies in our next ingredient.

Mutual adoration. I doubt my friend realized at the time, or probably even now, that even though her boyfriend accepted the key to her front door, he never used it. She was incorporating two cups of adoration to his half a cup. That is why this ingredient is called mutual adoration. He may have been touched by her gesture of the all access pass to her home, however, he never took advantage of it.

Attraction. According to her, their physical attraction to one another was perfection. She always made painstaking efforts to be thin, tan, well-groomed and fashionable which were all very much to his liking. She considered her balding, smoking, drinking, and sometimes employed beau to be the most handsome man she had ever seen. I am going to surmise here that there were equal parts attraction incorporated to the love recipe.

Our last ingredient is the possession of similar morals and values by both parties. They were both in agreement about the basic fundamentals of what is good and bad in life. Sunshine, kitty cats, and laughter are good. Murder, theft, and war are bad. I'm only utilizing broad examples here because neither party in the relationship bothered to delve into anything deep. Here is where the problem is for the love recipe. Both parties contributed too little to the morals and values conversation. Maybe they were actually both in agreement about all of life's debatable values. They had eight months to have at least one conversation about it, but never did.

Their love recipe had equals parts trust, respect and attraction. She stirred in more adoration than he, so it was not mutual adoration. Neither part brought morals and values to the love pot. When we review the recipe for love, I have clearly stated that all ingredients must be present and in equal parts.

So we have learned that equal parts trust, respect, attraction, with an excess of adoration from one party and lacking morals and values on both ends doesn't result in love. You end up with eight months of cooking and a broken heart.

On the contrary to my friend's proclamations, she will eventually heal from this break-up. I hope that for her future recipes of love that she will keep in mind the trick: all ingredients present from both people and in equal parts. Feel free in use my recipe.

Recipe For Love

Ingredients:

Trust

Respect

Mutual Adoration

Attraction

Similar Moral and Values.

Gently stir in each ingredient in equal parts in the same pot, daily.