Insensitive Things to Say to the Parents of an Autistic Child
Well, if he is doing third grade math at five but still pooping in his pants, that's not so good. One theory about what causes autism is that the child's brain is so well developed in one area that it takes all the attention away from other areas. And he may not be smart at all; not every autistic child is a savant. He may be severely developmentally disabled. You just don't know what form autism will take.
2. "Kmart sucks," or any other Rain Man joke.
I may find humor in the situation my family is in, but you can't be sure. Maybe I just found out and I'm devastated, or maybe my child was just thrown out of his third daycare and I'm feeling a little despondent. Anyway, Rain Man's case is not representative of all people with autism.
3. He doesn't need to date anyway. His life will be better without women causing him trouble.
I'm facing the possibility of this child being ridiculed and ostracized all the way through school, and this is what you say to comfort me? Besides, not all autistic children grow up to be socially challenged. We just don't know what the future holds, but it's best not to mention worst case scenarios.
4. Can't you keep him quiet? This is a restaurant/church/pick your situation.
No, I can't keep him quiet. Here's my business card that says, "Has autism touched your life?" If this is your first experience with it, count yourself blessed. Excuse me for wanting to leave the house. Maybe our family should just isolate ourselves so you can feel more comfortable. I'm sure you've never seen a neurotypical child behave badly.
5. He doesn't look disabled. Why do you get to skip to the head of the line for the rides?
Well, until you started talking, you didn't look like an insensitive moron. Believe me, I would trade the autism for having to stand in that long line.
6. My cousin's brother's hairdresser's child has autism.
Tell them hi from me. I'm sure we have so much in common. Are you trying to tell me that you know how I feel, or that it's okay that my kid is messed up?
7. I think you should put him on a gluten free diet.
Lady, the kid eats only three things: rice cereal, mashed potatoes and Ramen noodles. He'll only eat those if they come out of what he deems the right packaging. Autism can cause aversion to certain textures, digestive problems, and obsessive-compulsive disorders. And I'm supposed to regulate his diet more than he already does?
8. Here are some vitamins and herbs you need to try.
Thanks, but it already takes two people to hold him down to take a crushed up Flintstones multivitamin mixed in water. And that at least tastes good.
9. (From a doctor who was asked for a referral to a nutritionist) I think you're looking for a magic solution.
I have been living with this disorder for x number of years. I know there's no magic solution. All I asked you for was a referral, not an accusation.
10. Oh look, he's yelling and slapping his chest/spinning in a circle/flapping his hands. He's happy and excited!
No, he's stimming (self-stimulating.) He's overwhelmed because his brain receives every part of his environment at once, and the behavior is a neurological response to help him try to process the overload. Stop staring.
Published by Erin L
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18 Comments
Post a CommentThis is to true, especially the part about regulating his diet, when he already does that himself, with no help!!! Excellent post!
Thank you for letting us know we are not alone in thinking we're alone in our frustration... How about 'They should know better; If they don't like something they should do something about it; It's up to the parents to teach them or It's up to them to let us know'. Hello!... That's the biggest part of their disability!
I agree that a lot of these things are dumb, but #6 seems like someone is trying to let you know they have some experience and might be more understanding. Should you get mad at them for trying to relate even if they don't have an autistic child?
To have to put up with such stupidity with all you have to do....I saw your article next to my Boy on the Boat..
Great article! (From a fellow mom with a daughter with Autism....) Love it, love it, love it! Well written and said!
Erin,
Oh my god! I'm reading my family's life in your article. I want to send this to everyone I know. This mirrors the comments in my blog so much! At the risk of saying something insensitive, it's nice to see that my family isn't alone in this regard (not nice in the happy sense, rather in the relieved-that-we-are-part-of-a-circle sense). People can seem so uncaring; I think it's more a matter of ignorance, don't you? Though no parents should ever have to go through what we do, I sometimes wish they could. Though I wish Nolan (our son) didn't have to. May I link my blog to your comments? I'll put a link to this site on mine, if you don't mind.
I Wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. Ahhh, someone who understands. I always knew this was a cruel worl but I didn't know just HOW cruel until I had an autistic child. I'm still floored at times at how rude people can be to a disabled child.
Nicely written! Love your sense of humor. I've heard many of the same comments/suggestions over the years. Thanks for putting this out there!! :)
Hi Erin,
I can really relate to this article, but from a sister's point of view rather than a parent's. People are just so ignorant about our relatives, aren't they? My oldest brother is autistic and I hate Rain Man too! I wanted to throw things at the TV when I first watched it!!! I spent my childhood defending my two brothers (my other brother has another learning disability) from the mindless ignorance and prejudice of society.
Sophie
These same things happen to me ALL THE TIME. I can't even find a child care center that will have my son there more than 10 minues, they always tell me he's a saftey hazard cause he wanders. In stores people make comments all the time about why I don't shut my kids up or I should keep him on a leash or something. It's completely upsetting and I'm also someone who likes to speak my mind but lately I've given up because people don't get it, their rude and their comments are toxic to our lives.