Inside the Mind of a Bully

What makes a person become a bully? That is something that I have been wondering since my daughter started grade school and I witnessed bullying all over again. Bullying is a lot easier than it was back in the day. When I went to school, the bully stole lunch money, made fun of everyone, and was avoided at all costs. Now kids can be bullied on line, at school, in their backyard, on the bus, the list goes on and on.

Bullying has grown into an epidemic and our kids are at risk. But how do we fix this?

First we need to understand a bully. Why do they do it? There are so many reasons a child displays this behavior. A few of the more common ones are that they are looking for attention. Maybe the only kind of attention they get at home is negative attention, or worse, none at all. They may not feel important at home and by making fun of others, they feel more important. A lot of bullies come from a home where there is a lot of anger and yelling. They may get bullied by older siblings or their parents. They may think this is normal. Understanding a bully does not make it easier for the children that are the targets. But knowledge is power to school officials and parents. Asking the victims to "feel bad" for their bullies will not make them feel better.

What is typical bullying behavior? There are some textbook cases, but remember that bullying comes in many forms. It is not always the big kid in the back of the room throwing spitballs at the heads of his victims. While the classic bully will take money, ruin books, humiliate or physically hurt his victims, there are other more subtle bullies. Take cyber-bullying, for example. They will tell the person they are chatting with that they will hurt them somewhere if they see them in the chat-room again. Or they may leave mean and hurtful messages. There are also "queen bee" bullies. These girls will make fun of, steal from, spread rumors, and do anything else to classmates that may pose as a threat to them as the "popular" girls.

How do bullies pick their victims? Some pick kids that are shorter, skinnier, or physically weaker. Some pick younger kids, and some pick ones that may be a threat to their social standing. There is no real profile that will tell you if your child will be a victim. Rarely, bullies will pick kids that are "popular", strong, or athletic. Bullies will only pick kids that will make them look better, not worse. A bully's worst fear is rejection and being laughed at. So they do it to others, in an effort to protect themselves.

How do you deal with a bully? Tell your child to ignore them and report the behavior immediately. Make sure that they have good self esteem. Confident children are picked on less than those that are insecure. Never do what a bully tells you to do. Once you start doing as they say, they probably won't stop. Don't let them see that they are making you upset. They want a reaction, and if they don't get one, they will eventually stop. Do not bully back. Let them know, by ignoring them, that you are not going to do as they say and that they will not get attention from you. It is not up to the victims to change a bully into a "nice person", their only responsibility is to report bully behavior to an adult.

Bullying goes beyond the schoolyard and into adult life. As an adult, you may not believe that you are being "bullied". You know that guy that takes your parking spot, that woman that spreads rumors, the person that takes your lunch from the fridge? They are all bullies, and probably have been since childhood. Many of the same techniques are used to stop an adult bully as a child bully. An adult bully is very insecure and needs to feel better about themselves. Ignoring them will make them stop the behavior and move on. They may always be a bully. If a child bully has no intervention from adults to stop, they may display the same behavior as an adult. Explain the importance of stopping the cycle to your children, and this may make them more likely to report the incidents.

Bullying is never OK. Age, race, sex, class, there are bullies everywhere! But it is never OK and it is time for Americans to stand up and show their children to love themselves and each other. After all, the most likely target of a bully is, emotionally, a mirror image of the bully themselves.