Institute for Political Correctness Revises List of Approved Christmas Greetings

The Institute for Political Correctness (IFPC) released its annual updated list of approved politically correct Christmas greetings today - just in time for the upcoming holiday season.

"December 25 is awkward when it comes to greeting other individuals," said Marcia Griffin-Hagis, spokes-individual for the fictional institute. The individual, Marcia, added, "I express-an-emotion-most-closely-akin-to-what-some-but-not-all-individuals-may-refer-to-as-a-non-faith-based hope that this list will clarify appropriate greetings during the period of time prior to December 25."

While most people have grown accustomed to avoid using the C-word in public, the new recommended politically correct greetings may come as a shock. Gone are familiar substitute greetings such as Happy Holidays and Season's Greetings.

"Happy Holidays is offensive on a number of levels," said Griffin-Hagis. "The word holiday derives from the roots 'holy day,' which clearly have religious overtones."

Omitting the word, holiday, also eliminates the potentially offensive, Holiday Greetings, off the list of politically correct Christmas greetings.

Griffin-Hagis adds, "The term, 'greetings' has also been deemed to be potentially offensive. 'Greetings' derives from the Old English term gretan, which meant to attack. Clearly we don't want individuals under the age of 18 (commonly referred to as children) to be exposed to a word with such a violent background. The term, happy, is also potentially offensive to the chronically depressed or individuals incapable of feeling happiness."

You could simply say hello, but as Griffin-Hagis points out, "Hello contains the word, Hell, which also has religious implications."

With all the changes, how does a person properly greet another person during Christmas? This holiday season, the IFPC recommends the following courses of action when greeting someone:

If at all possible, avoid saying anything at all to another individual.

If you are forced to acknowledge another individual during this awkward time of year, the IFPC recommends a simple, inoffensive grunt or a careful nodding of your head while avoiding eye-contact as appropriate holiday behavior.