Interpreting Health Insurance Industry Speak

Karen Ignagni, the CEO of an outfit called America's Health Insurance Plans, the mouthpiece for the criminals who run America's 1300 health insurance companies like Aetna, CIGNA, Blue Cross, Humana and Kaiser Permanente recently wrote the following:

"Health plans agree that providing access to health care coverage to all Americans should be our nation's number one domestic priority...

"In addition, health plans are doing their part to lower costs and improve the quality of care. They offer innovative care coordination and disease management programs, encourage prevention, incentivize (sic) individuals to engage in healthy living and are leading the way toward electronic medical records and evidence-based medicine."

From what I understand, Ms. Ignagni writes, but never actually speaks, the words for fear of breaking into laughter and wetting her pantyhose. If you will, let's peek behind the curtain for a moment to find out what the fuck Ms. Ignagni is talking about.

"Health plans agree that providing access to health care coverage to all Americans should be our nation's number one domestic priority..."

"Americans finally are fed-up with the bullshit we've been feeding you for 50 years about the evils of socialized medicine, so we decided to jump aboard the universal healthcare gravy train to be sure we will still get to screw our 200 million policyholders well into the foreseeable future."

"In addition, health plans are doing their part to lower costs and improve the quality of care

"We have lowered our costs by weeding nearly everyone out of the system who could possibly put a strain on our bottom line by actually getting sick. Additionally, as we now can identify and register fetal weaknesses during neonatal examinations we will deny insurance to genetically damaged future applicants who may impact negatively on quality care."

"They offer innovative care coordination..."

"Any medical procedure or drug you require that is considered innovative is immediately rejected by one of our Care Coordinators. Additionally, after your initial 24 hours in the hospital, your prognosis will be reviewed with your doctor and a hospital representative to remind them that their insurance reimbursements are contingent on your expedient discharge and may be jeopardized if we determine additional confinement was unnecessary."

"...and disease management programs, encourage prevention, incentivize (sic) individuals to engage in healthy living..."

"You can lose your healthcare coverage for anything from engaging in unprotected sex to drag racing to habitually having to breath polluted air to slipping on the sidewalk after a rainstorm (Act of God). Essentially kiss off doing anything ever again in your life that we decide is not healthy living including eating too many Twinkies.

"Further, since it is nearly impossible to get new coverage without providing your arm and leg -- the surgical removal of which is not covered however -- changing jobs, going self-employed or simply taking a mental health break are out of the question. Accept that you are a prisoner of the corporate employment mill and had best keep your yap shut and eyes respectfully averted toward the ground."

"...and are leading the way toward electronic medical records and evidence-based medicine."

"We scour employment information, credit reports, public and police records, anything to catch you fudging the truth or even forgetting harmless details. If you have ever so much as gone to an emergency room for chest pains which turned out to be indigestion, we'll find out about it, and if we don't deny your application outright for preexisting conditions, we'll collect premiums for years and then reject your claim because of insurance fraud when you're sick."

And finally, although a public option is already a huge compromise for progressives who have sought a "single payer" plan, Ignagni, the industry and its toadies in Congress insist that any public option will endanger Americans' free choice -- read end our obscene 20 percent profit margins -- because private enterprise could never compete with government subsidies. Hmm, guess no one told that to UPS and FedEx or the thousands of private, Christian and Catholic prep schools and colleges that all seem to thrive despite the US Postal Service, public schools and state universities.

"Oh my god, this Moore guy is on to us!"."