Interracial Parenting: Stepping Over the Color Line
Then I became pregnant with my son and all hell broke loose. My mother made it perfectly clear that she was not going to participate with this child. She said it was up to his "other" parent and grandparents to fill his needs. She also informed us that she intended to keep him a secret from the rest of her family. I was shocked and hurt by this especially since my parents were supporters of the Civil Rights Movement. They had Black and Latin friends, even a gay friend that came to dinner. If they were so open minded why would they deny their own grandchild?
For years I tried to over-compensate for the way my mother treated my son. My daughter was 8 years older and had white skin. She was the apple of my parent's eye and they did everything for her. My son never really picked up on this until he was older. He was always so good-natured about everything. But later he became very bitter. My mother moved back to the Midwest and she would welcome my daughter, but not my son. She was afraid of the negative reactions she might get in her small mid-western town if they found out about my son.
Women, particularly white women, that have mixed children can be guilty of carelessness that is hard on the children. In truth, many of us get caught up in the forbidden excitement of it all and we forget or fail to realize that there is a responsibility to this child that exceeds our personal experience. These children will have needs that we have no knowledge base from which to serve them as parents. They have special grooming needs with their skin and hair. It would be very funny if it were not so sad to see all these kids running around with wild hair and ashy skin. They also have cultural needs that are not answered by a parent that is truly black.
In my experience mixed race children in the past made a decision to fall to one racial side or the other, either relating to the white side or the black side. Now is seems that they choose relations with other mixed children. I have noticed this with the mixed kids that are around me. But one thing is for sure.... if they have any color to their skin, they are perceived as black by most white society and treated accordingly.
I was the person that had to talk to my son the first time some old geezer called him the "N" word. My response to him was; this is good news, when someone actually is honest enough to say this, to call you by that awful term. The reason it is good news is because at least this person is honest enough to say exactly what is on his mind. The troubling thing is the person that will say "I like you just fine and I love black folks, just as long as you don't live in my neighborhood, go to my schools, or date my kid.
I have had people put themselves between my son and myself, giving me deferential treatment and snubbing him before they realize that I am his parent. By then it is too late because you have the mama tiger by the tail and she is about to take you to school. I will rip your head off if you treat my son badly. But this is also a reason for others to be distant with me and makes it difficult to make friendships because your cultural choices have made most whites and blacks suspicious of you. You can almost see their heads throbbing while they try to process the fact that you stepped over the color line.
In most cases the prevailing thought process is that you coupled with a person outside your race because you are a nymphomanic, mentally impaired, or just plain have low self- esteem. Everyone finds it hard to believe that you had this relationship out of love, it has to be something more base in nature. Then when the relationships fail because of the social strain, all the nay-sayers nod their heads and agree that the whole thing was doomed from the beginning.
Published by Storm
April is a Mid-life teenager with culturally eclectic tastes. She has a BA in English/Broadcast-film Production. In her dreams she is a Filmaker but in real life she is an avid reader/writer that watches m... View profile
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9 Comments
Post a CommentI really like that your "response to him was; this is good news, when someone actually is honest enough to say this, to call you by that awful term. The reason it is good news is because at least this person is honest enough to say exactly what is on his mind. The troubling thing is the person that will say "I like you just fine and I love black folks, just as long as you don't live in my neighborhood, go to my schools, or date my kid." I'm black, my husband is white and I had to explain this concept to my hubby. It's so nice that you just knew it internally.
My 6years old kid is half black and I am heart broken because He told me he was different than me. His dad does not contact him even when we were married for 10 yrs. I am in a new relationship with a white man that loves him but it break my heart that he asked me "mama, if I pray harder will God give me your color?" how can I manage this situation???
Great Article! So many people are going through the same type of things..
This article made me a little teary ..you know we are all the same.if I had a grandd-child that was mixed..he would still be my grandchild so even if he "looked" more like another race..he still has my blood in his veins!.it is only skin color that truly separates us..I hope that things are better now with your son..my heart goes out to him..
Very compelling article. It's sickening how here in the South, there is still so much ignorance and hate. I happen to live in a very progressive area, but you're never too far from even "religious" people who are racists.
I attend a church where almost 1/3 of the congregation is inter-racial. In fact, one family has 8 kids of their own (which, by the way, are all drop-dead gorgeous) and they've adopted 5 more children. Thankfully, my kids spent their early years never realizing that there is a distinction between "black" and "white". They thought it was just a matter of how tan you are (and my boys are very tan!). It took a little kid at school in 1st grade to "kindly" point out to my son the difference.
Well written. This must have been painful for you to write about, as you had to recall the hurt your son has endured. It's so sad that your parents had double standards and did not accept your son. I hope things have since improved for you.
Sophie
It takes an extra strong love to survive in an inter-racial marriage. Your situation is especially sad given your parents background. Many in the black community also do not understand when a brother marries outside the race. I used to think things would improve as racists got old and died, but racism seems just as bad today as it was back then.
Great article - sad, sad state of affairs that people should act this way.
Very true. I would like to think for most part it is based on good values of inclusion but the world can be so petty. I don't think I did my best on this article but at least I cleared my throat a little on the matter. It does consume you, doesn't it. Especially when you get a wake-up call that people are still stuck in having to stereotyping people. I guess we have to just press on as best we can and find our own happiness.
Best of Luck Shanika, Storm
It is terrible the stereotypes folks have about white women and black men who date one another. Being mixed, I struggled with race for a long time. It wasn't until my husband showed me that I was choosing to be consumed by it that I realized it was something I could let go of. I don't have to act black, act white, do this or do that. I'm just me. I will relate to whoever I relate to based on the values I have for me and my family.