Interview with Audrina Patridge

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 11 - March 20, 2008

Warning: any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Audrina Patridge?
AP: Who are you? Do you have a camera?
TR: Yes. I always carry one when I'm on assignment.
AP: You didn't answer my first question. I'm not letting you in until you do.
TR: I'm a reporter with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
AP: I'm not talking to anyone until my press agent tells me to.
TR: You don't trust me? It will be very brief. I promise you. I can never think of enough questions for a long interview.
AP: I'll give you three minutes. Don't let anybody see you coming in here.
TR: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful.
AP: You haven't seen my pictures?
TR: No. They said they were X-rated.
AP: They are not. I'll show them to you. Here, sit down please.
TR: Oh, my God. You are even more beautiful than I thought.
AP: Thank you.
TR: You must have at least a hundred of them in that box.
AP: One hundred fourteen - no duplicates.
TR: Can I have some?
AP: Never. You are so naïve. They would absolutely kill me if they saw all these.
TR: Why?
AP: I don't really know. I'm so upset over the reaction of some people.
TR: Who?
AP: I guess people who don't like me and don't want my career to blossom.
TR: You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed.
AP: I'm really not, but I have to do what's best for my future.
TR: You are just absolutely beautiful. Is that really you in those pictures?
AP: Of course.
TR: How would I be able to tell?
AP: I'm not about to show you.
TR: Are you busy later tonight?
AP: I'm not an escort. I'm an actress - that's better than just being a model.
TR: Yes. I'm sorry. I got carried away.
AP: I know the feeling. I've learned a lot these last two days. Put your camera away, please.
TR: I was just going to clean the lens.
AP: Why? I won't let you take pictures of anything here, not even my cat.
TR: Sorry.
AP: How did you find out where I lived anyway?
TR: I subscribe to a service that snoops on celebrities and politicians.
AP: You're not a stalker?
TR: No, no...I'm just a reporter - a journalist actually.
AP: Is there a difference?
TR: A difference in what?
AP: Never mind. Maybe you can help me get over this scandal.
TR: I don't see how - I only have eight readers.
AP: That's really pitiful. You should do something scandalous to get exposure.
TR: I'm not attractive like you.
AP: No, you're not. Maybe you should do a big story on someone really distasteful like Britney.
TR: Britney Spears? I think that woman is totally boring. She has nothing to say.
AP: You couldn't get past the bodyguards either?
TR: No.
AP: I thought so.
TR: I've tried everything. I even got a fake letter of recommendation from Walt Disney but she wouldn't buy it.
AP: I have some interesting pictures of her that nobody has ever seen.
TR: That's impossible.
AP: Nope. I will share two of them with you if you do something for me.
TR: Anything. I'll do anything to talk to Britney.
AP: Ok, ok. Don't get so out-of-control.
TR: Sorry. What do you want me to do?
AP: Talk to the Playboy people for me.
TR: I can do that. I have Hefner's addresses and cell phone numbers.
AP: Great. Tell them I'm still interested in doing the spread. I want something in the high six-figure range for the shoot. If you can get that gig for me, I'll share Britney's photos with you.
TR: Cool. No problem.
AP: I bet you they now feel like the guy that turned down the Beatles.
TR: For sure.
AP: Maybe both of us can get something out of this. Just don't tell anybody.
TR: I won't.
AP: Thanks. You're sweet.
TR: Thank you Ms Patridge. Bye.