Interview with Bill Clinton

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 14 - March 22, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Bill Clinton?
BC: Ha, ha. That's really amusing. The whole world knows who I am.
TR: Yes, I know - it just gives me a simple way to start the interview.
BC: I see. Well, let's get started, shall we?
TR: May I sit down first?
BC: Why, of course. Make yourself at home.
TR: First of all, I was wondering if Senator Clinton might be around.
BC: No, she's at home relaxing. The campaign got rather hectic the last few days.
TR: Did you have anything to do with that?
BC: That depends.
TR: On what?
BC: On what you mean by anything. It's a very broad word.
TR: Well, I heard that you called Senator Obama a traitor.
BC: You know, that is such a scurrilous and defamatory accusation. I said nothing of the sort. The media distorted almost everything I said.
TR: Didn't the Senator's campaign staff ask you to apologize?
BC: No they did not, and that just goes to prove that they knew I didn't mean anything by my remark. The other thing is, I can't just stand by and let them attack Hillary every time she turns a corner. She is a veteran campaigner and tough as nails but she's also my wife.
TR: You feel she needs your protection?
BC: You bet. That's what I'm here for.
TR: Are you certain your tactics won't backfire on her?
BC: Absolutely. I know the road ahead will have many peaks and valleys for both candidates. They know that, too. Insult and innuendo are part of the game. Subtle insinuations are good too. You haven't seen the worst parts. I can hardly wait.
TR: Some have said that the Democratic Party will implode if this goes on much longer.
BC: They're not real Democrats.
TR: What's that in your hand?
BC: It's my inhaler. This I do inhale.
TR: I sometimes use an inhaler, too. I'm glad we have something in common, but I read somewhere that inhalers can destroy brain cells.
BC: Not mine. Anyway, I have an abundant supply of brain cells. I can afford to lose a few.
TR: Oh.
BC: I enjoy a good fight, whether it's against another Democrat, a Republican, or my allergies.
TR: Everyone says you're a magnificent politician.
BC: The best, although in another year or two, I shall transition from politician to statesman.
TR: Do you have to go to Stockholm for that?
BC: No, but that's a good suggestion. I'm going to talk to Al Gore about that.
TR: Are you losing money on your speaking engagements due to the campaign?
BC: I really can't answer that.
TR: Sorry I asked.
BC: Hillary has to disclose but I don't, you see?
TR: Yes sir.
BC: I think you would make a good democrat and I like you. If you promise not to print it, I'll tell you how I'm making up for the lost revenue. I may have a lot less time to give speeches, but I have an endorsement deal worth millions.
TR: Who with?
BC: McDonald's.
TR: Oh.
BC: That's between you and me.
TR: I won't print anything.
BC: Good, now what else?
TR: Getting back to the implosion of the Party....
BC: There will be no implosion. I already told you. First of all, people in general don't realize that we do this because we enjoy it. Secondly, at the end of the day, we are back to being as gracious to one another as you could possibly imagine. It may appear that we trade insults and distort the truth non-stop, but you have to consider that, after the lights go out, we sleep, just like everybody else.
TR: That's when it stops?
BC: Almost always. It very much depends. Sometimes the phone rings in the middle of the night.
TR: I've seen the commercials.
BC: That's not what I meant. And they're not commercials; they're messages to the people.
TR: I meant to say messages.
BC: I'm sure you did.
TR: So you will continue to fight it out until the convention?
BC: There's no reason not to. If Senator Obama wants to pick fights with us, we'll show him what it's like - we have more experience than he does.
TR: Yes, I've seen the messages. Is there any endorsement that you really want?
BC: Well, we were thinking about Spitzer, but that went out the window last week.
TR: Yes, I interviewed him. I didn't know about the scandal until he told me.
BC: Been there, done that.
TR: Done what?
BC: Never mind, just let me tell you something. In the final analysis, there's only one endorsement we really need.
TR: Whose?
BC: Senator Barack Obama's.
TR: Thank you Mr. Clinton.