Interview with a Broken Heart: One Woman's Story of Abortion Part 2

Growing up, I didn't believe in abortion. I never thought that I would become pregnant and be left to face with that kind of decision. In the back of my mind I knew that I would never choose to abort my unborn child. I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy when I was seventeen. My family insisted that the smart thing to do was to have an abortion. I refused and in the next nine months had a beautiful baby girl who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. A year later I married her father. We were both still very young and with a new baby in the picture it put a lot of strain on our relationship. He was constantly in and out of jail due to drinking. I stayed with him for the sake of our daughter and I truly did love him. In a sense I felt like I was the only one who could help him.

A few years later I found myself pregnant once again. Despite my marriage falling apart, I refused to have an abortion and went on to have a baby boy. My two children kept me strong through my husband's abuse. He started drinking more and doing drugs. The emotional abuse got worse and soon followed physical abuse. At this time I realized I could nothing to help him. For the safety of my children, I filed for divorce.

In April of 1994 I met the most wonderful man. He treated me and my kids with love and kindness. We married in June of 1995 and shortly after tried to have a baby. We were excited to have another baby that would be both of ours. In August of 1996 our daughter was born. We wanted to have another baby and planned to try to conceive in the spring. Unfortunately I damaged two discs in my back from a car accident and we had a lot of financial issues, so our plan to have another baby was on hold. After my back healed, I went back to work. My husband wanted desperately to have another baby but I avoided the discussion as much as possible. I was getting older and the three of my children were stressful enough.

In 2004 I was laid off from my job. I babysat everyone's kids while they worked their jobs. Being around all the kids brought back the excitement I felt when we were trying to have a baby. We decided to try again at having a baby and in January of 2006 our son was born. I was forty years old at the time and the risk of using birth control was becoming dangerous. He agreed to have a vasectomy. A few months later his doctor said he was completely sterile and it was safe to have sex again. This was the best time in my life. Our marriage was great and we were both so happily in love. Watching our beautiful, healthy kids grow up and do well in school was the best feeling in the world. I lost all of my pregnancy weight by the summer. It felt as though I was living a new life.

Around the end of November my period was late. I woke up two nights in a row due to heartburn and my breasts were so tender. I thought nothing of it due to the fact that my husband was sterile. I waited another week and still no period. I bought a pregnancy test just to prove to myself that there was no way I could be pregnant. It was positive. In a state of shock, I went back to the store and bought two more tests. Both of them were positive as well. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. When I told my husband I burst into tears. The surprise of being pregnant again took a toll on me.

The next day my husband took off of work to come with me to the doctors. He said that I was in fact pregnant and that sometimes vasectomies do fail. When we got home we let everything sink in. We went upstairs to the small bedroom and tried to plan out how we could make it big enough for the new baby. We told our ten year old that she may be having a baby brother or sister. She was ecstatic, while I on the other hand was upset. I cried myself to sleep the next few nights.

A few weeks later my husband came up to me and said, "Honey, I know your upset. Your emotional health and well being is more important to me. We agreed that we weren't going to have anymore babies when I got my vasectomy. I know you are worried about pregnancy complications due to you back and your age. I think you should think about getting an abortion." Tears started to form in my eyes. I looked at my husband and said, "I can't have an abortion. It's not the right thing to do."

That night I spoke with my mom. I told her my worries and what my husband said to me. She said she would support me with any decision I made and that she agreed with my husband. At that time I don't know what was going through my mind. I felt as though I was asleep and was dreaming everything. I called the doctor and made an appointment to have an abortion. Once I hung up the phone I woke up from that dream. The tears would not stop coming. I told my husband that I made an appointment to have an abortion. He held me close as I cried, telling me that everything was going to be ok.

The day before my abortion I slipped back into that dream-like world. I started to have second thoughts and begged my husband to not let me go through with this. He insisted that it was the right thing to do. As much as I didn't want to admit it at the time, he was right. The risk of losing my life or the baby's life was too high. I didn't want to put my husband nor children through that.

After my abortion, reality sunk in and I was slapped in the face. I couldn't believe what I had done. I became so angry with my husband and everyone else who supported me having an abortion. Why couldn't they see that it wasn't what I truly wanted? They knew how I felt about abortions and how badly it hurt to even think about it.

Since I've had my abortion, life hasn't been the same. So many times I think about what I have done and I feel completely devastated. My husband and I get through one day at a time. I tend to want another baby so bad sometimes. I love being a mother and having a baby is a blessing. I have learned a lot since then and much has changed. I hope my story can show other women that they are not alone, whether they are my age or younger. Us women are strong creatures and God would never give us anything we can't handle.

Age 42