Interview with a Cutter: When Emotional Scars Become Physical

This is an interview that took place in October 2007 with a 26 year-old woman who has requested to be known only as Rachel. She wanted to share her experiences with those who might want to know the mind of a cutter.

Interviewer: Rachel, can you tell us a bit about what a cutter is?

Rachel: A cutter is basically a person who intentionally injures themselves often due to stresses in their lives or trauma. People often link suicidal tendencies with cutting, and that isn't necessarily true. Not all people who cut - want to die. People cut for many different reasons.

Interviewer: What sorts of reasons have you cut yourself for?

Rachel: I have cut myself because I wanted to feel physical pain to show my emotional pain. I've cut myself to get attention. I've felt such strong anger toward someone before, and felt that I needed to take it out on myself, instead of him or her. I've done it to see if people cared about me, loved me, and I've used it to manipulate them. Most of all, I've done it out of feeling inadequate.

Interviewer: Has anything traumatic happened in your life that you feel might be a factor in why you have cut yourself?

Rachel: I was molested when I was a child, and people have said that sexual abuse seems to be a common factor for people who self injure. I couldn't say for certain that all who are sexually abused become cutters, or all cutters were once abused - but am one who has unfortunately dealt with both.

Interviewer: Do you or did you feel ashamed or embarrassed about being a cutter?

Rachel: Very ashamed and embarrassed, but I tried my best to hide it. After doing it, I have often felt absolutely stupid, and so out of control that I've wondered if I might be crazy or something.

Interview: How old were you when you first started cutting?

Rachel: I first started cutting in my early teens. I'm not sure what first triggered it, but I used to be self-destructive in other ways by sometimes banging my head against the wall, scratching up my legs with my names, that sort of thing. Those can be more than just a tantrum, they can sometimes be warning signs of something deeper.

Interview: When was the last time you cut yourself?

Rachel: About 8 months ago.

Interview: Is it a regular thing for you to cut yourself, or do you do it sporadically?

Rachel: I definitely don't plan on cutting. I usually just get so worked up that I can't seem to control myself, and I harm myself. I guess I've been periodically cutting myself for the last 15 years. Sometimes its seemed like I've stepped outside of myself, and watch myself cut myself, and I can't stop it. It is frightening.

Interviewer: Have you tried to stop cutting? What happened?

Rachel: I have tried to stop cutting. I've been asked my people who love me to stop, and they've thrown away things that I've saved just for that purpose. When they throw them away, I'm fine, until that next time that I can't seem to deal with life, and I always find something I need to harm myself with.

Interviewer: Have you tried medications, or to take our stress and anger in other ways?

Rachel: I do take a daily antidepressant, and one that I take when I feel really upset and that I might have an "episode". They seem to be helping. I also enjoy writing, and I enjoy spending time with close friends, playing games, watching movies, and just talking and laughing.

Interviewer: It's been 8 months since your injury to yourself - that seems like a good amount of time, do you feel you're done with it now?

Rachel: I think I always feel like I'm done with it, when I'm not upset. I think this is probably the longest time I've been without it, and I think the longer it is that I go without cutting myself, the stronger I might become to fight the urge to do it. I want to be done with it. I have scars on my body now. They'll never go away, but they are good for me. They remind me that I may not have always been strong enough to fight things in myself, very angry, hurting things, but I'm growing, and growing up and I am becoming stronger because I have more respect and love for myself, and I'm learning that there are people around me who love me as much as I've always desired, if not more.

If you are, or someone you know is dealing with intentional self-injury and would like help, please call: 1-800-DON'T-CUT

Websites on helping you understand and STOP self-injury:

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/fself.html

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775/DSECTION=1
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/self-injury

I'd like to thank Rachel for her time and candidness with us in this interview. It's a hard thing to talk about things that can be embarrassing, and I truly respect you for being so honest about yourself. The point of this interview was to provide some insight on what a person goes through as a self-mutilator. As a parent, a friend, a relative, or a self-injurer yourself - I hope you were able to find useful information to get help from this interview.