Interview with a Female-to-Male Transsexual

Dio* (not his real name) identifies as a transgender person who plans to physically transition into a male in the near future. He graciously agreed to the idea for this interview to help spread awareness regarding transsexual and transgender individuals. At his request this interview has a particular focus on the social difficulties of being an individual with a male identity born into a female body.

H. D. Dumas: "I see this question proposed a lot, and so I have to ask it (to clarify for our readers): What is the difference between identifying as a transgendered individual and a transsexual, in your own terms?"

Dio: "In general usage, 'Transgender' refers to the state of someone's 'gender identity' (in other words, their self-identity as a man, woman or other) differing from the physical sex they were born into. 'Transsexual' can indicate a person who is undergoing hormonal and surgical treatment to align their outward physical appearance with what they feel inside, as well as someone who plans to transition into their desired sex. While I obviously do fit the latter meaning I just gave for transsexual, I prefer transgender."

H. D. Dumas: "When did you first know you were a transgendered person?"

Dio: "To a certain extent, I've always known that I was somewhat different since childhood. When I was very young, maybe seven and under, I didn't really categorize male and female. It just didn't seem neccessary to me. As I grew older, I noticed the differences between genders seemed to be very important to people. As early as I can remember, I didn't view myself as female, but I didn't really have the concept that many transgendered female-to-male individuals have in early childhood of being absolutely certain they were male. I actually thought of myself as something else, perhaps a gender-neutral person but definitely not a girl, although I didn't really think on defining it much during those years - I just had this feeling of difference that separated me from other people, although I could interact with other children well enough. When I would put on female clothes I would feel like I was donning a mask, and I can remember feeling very amused going to my family's church in a dress, thinking I was humoring everyone in there by putting on a dress but not really knowing why. Unfortunately, putting on what I viewed as female clothes did not stay amusing as I aged and became more aware of the differences how the roles of male and female differ from each other in society and social life. I became much more discomforted by it in the pre-teen years, and uncomfortable within myself, because to me it was like people were seeing something on the outside of me that didn't match what I was on the inside at all."

H. D. Dumas: "In the preliminary portion of our interview, you mentioned you identify as a gay man. Have you had relationships with men in the past?"

Dio: "No, although I'm kind of a rarity on that. Many transsexual people have been in committed relationships, married or even had kids long before they even considered the prospect of transitioning. In my case, I just don't feel comfortable with the idea of being in a physical relationship with a man while I still look like a woman."

H. D. Dumas: "Some readers probably won't fully understand that - potentially, they'd pose the question, "what's the difference, if you're with a man who you're attracted to?"

Dio: "The difference is very important, or at least it is for me. A simple answer would be, 'I can't be with a man whose body thinks he's physically with a woman, no matter how he mentally sees me.' However, it's much more complicated than that. For one thing, the thought of physically participating in sex with a man as a woman is something I can only describe as feeling downright alien to me. Not only that, but I'm extremely self-conscious because I look female. There's also just a lot of inner struggle I've worked up about the subject that I just couldn't go through with that. Well, maybe I can more simply explain it like this: I just can't be who I am if I'm in a relationship with a man while I'm also in a female body. It would feel something like extremely dishonest, both to him and myself, no matter what I had told him previously about my gender identity or anything like that. There is a component of wanting to be with someone or at least being able to consider the prospects available, but it's just not so simple."

H. D. Dumas: "How do you see yourself physically, as you are now?"

Dio: "I look like a small, slender woman. Men are often attracted to me because of the way I look, which makes me particularly uncomfortable, because I know they see a woman when they look at me. It's not the concept of the attraction, obviously, that bothers me there, but the reason for the attraction. I think I can only describe this feeling like they're seeing something false, or like there's a costume I can't take off. This is especially hard for me because I have a dominant, assertive personality, and people don't think it when they look at this small-framed woman with the round face standing there. I sometimes get very angry at myself when I know that someone who I just want to have a normal conversation with and possibly be friends with noticably treats me differently because I look female then he'd treat his other, already male friends. When this happens, I feel certain they'd treat me very differently if I looked like how I want to look and know I should look. It's a familiar feeling, unfortunately."

H. D. Dumas: "Do you often feel a great deal of gender bias, simply because you look like a woman?"

Dio: "That's just the thing. I'm constantly amazed by these women (in media or otherwise) that say we live in an completely equal opportunity society here, or that they've never felt prejudiced against. Trust me, you don't know gender bias until you've lived as someone with a different gender identity than the one that supposedly matches the body you grew up in. You see how someone treats a lone man, when being served in a restaurant for example, and then you sit there comparing what you just saw to how you were treated. Or you try to hang out with a couple of guys and you're seen as the only girl in the room. I'm not saying there's some actual females who don't enjoy or embrace being the lone female or something similar, but when you don't feel female and you don't believe you are female, it's a much different thing. And what you say may be taken out of context differently than if someone who looked like a man said the exact same words. You feel sort of backed into a corner because of all these things, and excluded."

H. D. Dumas: "Are there any particular differences that you notice about how women and men greet you to how you see them greeting a man?"

Dio: "A lot of people, male and female, don't shake your hand, or they don't make eye contact for as long a time with you. Some don't greet you at all, if you're alone and he is alone. They sometimes just sort of look at you and then look away without saying anything, and then you see them the next day and they greet the male that's with you on that particular day. I've learned to kind of distance myself and sort of observe in general conversations or other public groups and interactions, because I don't truly feel like I'm a part of them. I make friends and acquaintances easily if I bother to, but I've gotten to a point where I mostly hold myself back in social situations with people I don't know. However, I do notice and appreciate if they greet me just like they greet everybody else, male or female, or if they've got a personality I can possibly get along with. I naturally enjoy talking to people but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's worth the effort if I'm weary of the possibility that someone might make yet another comment because I appear female after I've been perfectly gentlemanly and pleasant to this person. And I don't mean the old, 'do you want to go out to me?' That doesn't particularly bother me, although it does confirm that myself and this person aren't exactly operating on the same wavelength."

H. D. Dumas: "Do you have friends who know about your plans to transition?"

Dio: "Of course. Although I find it hard to make true friends. Creating deep friendships is difficult for me because I'm afraid they won't be able to 'handle' the full extent of who I am, both as someone soon to be in transition and as a complicated person in general. In short, I don't want to get screwed over yet another time, so I stay to myself a lot and am not actively seeking friendships, although I do welcome them when opportunities appear."

H. D. Dumas: "Regarding physical changes, what do you most look forward to about transitioning?"

Dio: "A male chest, definitely. I've always wanted a lean, masculine shape to my chest. I don't know if I can guarantee the lean part, because hormonal therapy often leads to unexpected changes in body mass and muscle, but I'll most welcome the male chest, regardless. Secondarily, the face has always held a focus for me and I'm very impatient to see what I'll look like as a guy."

H. D. Dumas: "And socially? What do you most look forward to?"

Dio: "Just having the relief of knowing I finally look like a man to everybody else, as well as to myself. You won't believe how much of a load off my shoulders that will be. I look forward to being more at ease in social situations, and more confident in my self image, so I can get what I want done with my life without feeling like I'm holding myself back because of this any longer."