Interview with Fidel Castro

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 4 - February 19, 2008

Good afternoon Coffee Club members. It is not often that our Timid Reporter© takes the initiative to do a story for us (as a matter of fact, he never has), but, evidently inspired by recent events in Cuba, he did just that this time. The Club could not cover his expenses for the long trip (except for bus fare to the airport) so he extended himself a loan to cover them. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

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TR: Good afternoon. Are you President Castro?
FC: Que es esto hombre??? Who in heaven's name do you think I am??? Of course I'm Fidel Castro.
TR: I'm sorry. I always have to make absolutely sure.
FC: You know, I used to have two doubles - just in case - but they died a long time ago. One of them was poisoned by the CIA.
TR: I understand. I won't take too much of your time because I know you're not feeling well.
FC: Who told you that? It's a big lie. I feel in good spirits and I'm doing well - my doctors tell me I'll outlive all the leaders of the so-called free world.
TR: That's a lot of leaders.
FC: No, no, my friend, those are not leaders, they're puppets of the people. And not only that, they pretend to serve the very people they exploit.
TR: But, you have been in power for fifty years.
FC: I don't see your point, but I am very, very popular and I don't have to pretend to like or serve anybody.
TR: Yes, of course. I have seen your picture all over Havana. My background notes tell me you have decided to retire?
FC: Yes, but the pictures, the murals, the banners - all that will stay. They will serve the glorious revolution. Also, my poor brother Raul is not very photogenic.
TR: He might not appreciate your saying that.
FC: So ... don't print it.
TR: Ok, I won't.
FC: I appreciate your candor and simplicity, sir. You are a decent Americano.
TR: Will you be taking it easy, going out to the countryside to relax?
FC: No, I'm going to write another book. If Clinton can do it, so can I.
TR: Is there anything about the U.S. that you like?
FC: Yes, absolutely my friend. I like Madonna.
TR: The singer?
FC: No, the hamburger.
TR: You mean McDonald's.
FC: Yes, Madonna. I still eat them. My special courier brings them to me whenever I have a craving. I'm lucky that Miami is so close. I order them and they arrive in thirty minutes, then I stick them in the micro. Delicioso!!!
TR: You are very resourceful.
FC: I have to be. Che and I survived in the jungle for years on our wits alone. Poor Che, I remember him fondly. He will be in my book.
TR: Will you have pictures in the book? I like books with pictures.
FC: There will be plenty of pictures. You should see my photo albums. Mao is there, and Nikita, and Yeltsin, and Ho, and Che, and Josip and so many others from the old days.
TR: You don't have Stalin? I remember him. I have an autographed picture of Trotsky with Frida Kahlo - dedicated to me, when I lived in Mexico City.
FC: You must be very old - older than I. How is that possible? Give me the picture. I could use it for my book.
TR: Yes, gladly. It's black and white, is that OK?
FC: My dear friend, we are not particular about color. If the revolution has taught us anything, it's that technology is a tool of the classes.
TR: Even color photography?
FC: Yes, even color photography. You have to see the big panorama of humanity, of society. Any time that someone comes out with a new gadget, a new device, a new tool, even a new magazine, rest assured that it will be used to lull the masses to sleep, to keep them in their place. That way, the classes can ride around in their fancy cars and live in their fancy houses with their color photography. Simplicity my friend, that's the nature of Communism. Back to the Earth - back to the soil.
TR: So, will everybody be a farmer?
FC: No, no, no, only those who are good at it. You work at what you are capable of doing. Then everybody shares in the fruits of your labor.
TR: So, if I work hard and make lots of money I have to share my paycheck with a farmer?
FC: Yes, but he shares his corn and wheat and sweet potatoes with you.
TR: But, I get that at the supermarket.
FC: You do not understand.
TR: I guess not. What if someone is kind of lazy and doesn't work all that hard?
FC: We put him in jail.
TR: I think I have to be leaving now.
FC: Buy my book, it will explain everything.
TR: I will send you some McDonald's coupons when I get to Miami.
FC: Thank you my friend. You are very kind. The reporter must still be waiting outside. Please tell him to come in on your way out. Adios.