Interview with Governor Spitzer

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 6 - March 11, 2008

Good afternoon Coffee Club members. We have no comment on what follows. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

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TR: Good afternoon. Are you Governor Spitzer?
ES: Yes, I am? Who are you?
TR: I'm sorry. I thought you had been told. I'm the Timid Reporter with The Coffee Club Newsletter.
ES: Who are they...affiliated with The New York Times?
TR: No sir, it's an office coffee club...
ES: Never mind, what are you doing here? I left instructions I didn't want to be disturbed.
TR: I thought you might have a few words for our readers. The maid let me in.
ES: You know, I had a press conference about the whole affair so I'm not going to get into that again. My wife was right there with me, too. Talk to my lawyers.
TR: I don't know anything about any affair. I came to see how you and Mrs. Spitzer decorated your apartment and to take a few pictures.
ES: Don't you read the papers? Watch TV?
TR: Sorry, I try not too. It just confuses me.
ES: Did the FBI send you? I already apologized. They're trying to hang me for going to an x-rated movie, it seems like to me.
TR: I don't go to movies either but if that's what you like, it's not my business. Can Mrs. Spitzer join us?
ES: She's at her sister's.
TR: Sorry. Maybe you can tell me how you chose the décor and the color schemes?
ES: I'm innocent. I was just trying to have a little fun. Roosevelt had a mistress and so did Kennedy. Jefferson had an illegitimate child, for crying out loud. Why am I the only one they want to hang?
TR: I just want to know about the décor.
ES: Fine. Let me tell you. If they're mad at me for criticizing Wall Street, you can tell them they have had their fun. Now, just leave me alone.
TR: I have to at least take a few pictures. I won't get paid unless I take some.
ES: You know, that reminds me. I didn't even take pictures. I at least had the decency not to take pictures.
TR: I have no idea what this is about. If you have pictures maybe I can use those.
ES: No, no, no. I have no pictures.
TR: Then I can take my own?
ES: You're too late. It will never happen again.
TR: I don't know what you mean.
ES: If my constituents have the heart and understanding to forgive and forget, I will be ok. I think it's a small thing.
TR: You mean, like going to an x-rated movie?
ES: Not even that bad. You know, I have the greatest wife and family in the world. I was out of my mind. My appetite got the best of me. It could happen to anybody. The stress from the Republicans was horrific. My real friends will understand.
TR: Do you think I should go out and get a paper?
ES: No, no, no. It will just confuse you. They will sensationalize anything just to sell a few more copies.
TR: Is Mrs. Spitzer coming home soon?
ES: She will be here any minute. Ask her about the dark green in the foyer. We argued about that for months. She won that argument.
TR: Was the giant aquarium your idea?
ES: Yes, but I wanted sharks in there. She didn't. She won that argument, too.
TR: And the red wallpaper?
ES: You know, in any other country, the people would be proud of their governor for being such a stud.
TR: You like red wallpaper?
ES: My wife chose it.
TR: She won that one, too?
ES: Yes, but even so, I love her to death. She is truly a joy. I love her dearly.
TR: Did you decorate any part of the apartment yourself?
ES: I picked out the small painting over there.
TR: Which one?
ES: The one by my official governor's photo.
TR: The one in crayon?
ES: Yes. I did it when I was in the third grade.
TR: Why did you put a throw rug on the large sofa?
ES: It's a blanket.
TR: That's an odd way to decorate. Your wife did that too?
ES: How did you know?
TR: I was just guessing.
ES: Yeah, right.
TR: So, other than the crayon picture, you had nothing to do with the interior decoration?
ES: Absolutely nothing.
TR: How do you compensate for that?
ES: I govern the State of New York.
TR: Do you have anything for my readers that they might feel grateful knowing?
ES: Yes, absolutely. Tell them there's a big difference between dignity and integrity. I may have lost my dignity in a big way, but I still have my integrity. I think that's what they're afraid of. Other than apologizing in front of millions, there's not much more I can do. Strom Thurmond didn't even apologize.
TR: I will print that, even though I still don't know what this is about.
ES: Thank you. You are a true friend.