Interview of Hugo Chavez

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 9 - March 19, 2008

Good afternoon Coffee Club members. The following is the only-slightly-edited interview done recently with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. For security reasons, we cannot disclose when the interview took place. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

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TR: Good afternoon. Are you President Chavez?
HC: Of course. I'm Hugo Chavez!! Para que pregunta hombre? You may call me Hugo. Consider me your friend.
TR: I don't know how to be informal with famous or powerful people. I would be more comfortable with President Chavez.
HC: I am President Chavez.
TR: That's not what I meant.
HC: Explain yourself hombre. Don't be afraid.
TR: I have trouble with that.
HC: Let me tell you a story. I used to stutter. Would you believe that?
TR: No.
HC: Well, just believe it. Kids used to make fun of me until the day I met this very nice girl who told me she would cure me of the problem. I was only fourteen and I knew nothing about girls so I just laughed at her. Do you hear me stuttering any more?
TR: No sir.
HC: Well, she cured me.
TR: How?
HC: Use your imagination hombre. By seven o'clock that afternoon I was free of my little problem. Needless to say, I have been grateful to her ever since. She is now my Assistant Secretary of Labor.
TR: You're a very nice man.
HC: That's what I keep trying to tell the world. Let me ask you a favor, I would prefer this interview be done in Spanish.
TR: I am not fluent.... My eight readers won't understand a word.
HC: Don't use excuses, just make the effort.
TR: Ok. Esta bien, Mr. Presidente.
HC: You see. You have lost your fear. I was just testing you.
TR: You made me believe.
HC: I'm a good poker player - the best in all of Venezuela.
TR: I can see why.
HC: I read your interview of Fidel.
TR: How did that happen? You're not a member of the Coffee Club
HC: I have sources all over my friend. Even Putin calls me for information. I'm like your IRS, FBI, CIA, ICE, NSC, NSA, DIA, and Army Corp of Engineers combined.
TR: I have never interviewed them.
HC: You never will. They are too embarrassed by what happened to your beautiful New Orleans.
TR: You keep yourself informed of everything?
HC: Not only that, I am presently studying four languages. I have a special tutor - a beautiful Swedish woman who is fluent in fourteen languages.
TR: Which languages are you studying?
HC: German, Russian, French, and Chinese.
TR: No Swedish?
HC: I'm learning that informally, as we go along.
TR: I think I know what you mean.
HC: It doesn't matter. It's confidential and you can't publish that.
TR: I won't.
HC: The important thing is that I have come to realize that it's very hard to understand a culture completely unless you speak the language. That's the secret code, if you will.
TR: Is that why President Bush doesn't understand you?
HC: No. He just has a problem understanding anything.
TR: He won't like what you just said.
HC: Does he read your newsletter?
TR: I don't think so.
HC: Well then, don't worry. If he makes trouble for you, you can come live in Venezuela.
TR: Can I write for the newspapers here, Mr. President?
HC: You can do wherever you like. This is a free country.
TR: I would like to work for El Sistema.
HC: You have heard of it. Good. That's one of our many success stories. We have placed thousands of children in these huge orchestras to learn music and art instead of violence. You don't see them out in the streets demonstrating, you know. We are now studying the possibility of starting a Sistema for adults. The only trouble is they're too lazy to practice.
TR: How do you know?
HC: Maestro Dudamel told me so.
TR: Where would you get so many instruments?
HC: That's not a problem - mostly out of Germany, Russia, and Cuba. One of my cousins takes care of all the imports into Venezuela and the government pays for everything.
TR: Do you have a favorite in the upcoming elections in the U.S.?
HC: Right now, that's too touchy a subject so I won't answer that. Besides, I am not one to interfere in the internal affairs of other countries.
TR: Thank you, sir. You have been most gracious.
HC: Come back soon my friend. Vaya con Dios.