Interview With Lisa Lampanelli: Comedy Central's Queen of Mean

Knighted by The New York Times as the " Queen of Mean," Lisa Lampanelli is one helluva bitch. This witty lady call's everyone out on their prejudices, stereotypes and differences in hilarious and honest manners. Her popularity skyrocketed in 2002 when she was the only female comedian invited to skewer Chevy Chase on the NY Friar's Club Roast on Comedy Central. Lampanelli also is a regular on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Howard Stern's Radio show. She appeared on Comedy Central's "Last Laugh 2005" and her one-hour special, "Take It Like a Man." Associated Content caught up with her before he big show Saturday night in Philadelphia. Be warned: Some of Lampanelli's answers are a PG-13!

Associated Content: So they are letting you come back to Philadelphia!
Lisa Lampenelli: Yeah at the Tower Theater, which seems really ghetto but is actually a great space. I love Philly. It's chocolate city. Besides Dc and Baltimore...Rrrrrrrrowl! I have come back bitches! I can't wait!

HX; Do you have a special friend waiting here for you?
LL: You would think I have one in every port but I don't. I have a deal with my manager that I need one big black security guard to protect me and service me.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: So are you still chasing after the black boys?
LL: They are still chasing after me bitch, cause you know why? They want money for their child support. So, yes I am. I have pursued the black man. Now the 'Spics are starting to like me to cause I have lost weight. So now, I can get an ugly white guy, an unemployed Hispanic, or a chubby black.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: Which would you prefer?
LL: The LL Cool Whip chubby cool black.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: You lost a Grammy award to those foreigners, the Flight of the Concords. I say you were robbed!
LL: Oh God no. Everyone says, "You were robbed..." But I got to hang out with 10 thousand black guys who went through metal detectors! How cool is that? I don't watch The Flight Of The Concords, cause they are so pretentious they make me want to vomit. I watched them once and wanted to strangle them. The rape scenes in OZ were funning then their show.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: So you didn't meet them? Give them a good-sport hug?
LL; They are too cool to even show up. The actual funny comedians were there. George Lopez, Harry Shearer, Steven Wright, we were all there. I wished they had given the award to Steven Wright, that dirty miserable Jew, just so he could cheer up.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: I bet he is miserable cause he doesn't ever get laid.
LL: He had a HOT broad with him. That is what cracks me up. Miserable comedian white-guys...old Jews...can still get laid, but I am still bringing my niece to the award show. How creepy is my life? I think I am kinda cute. Why bother losing weight? I might s well eat what I want and die early.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: Any other scandal at the Grammy's?
LL: I didn't pay attention at all. It was all about me, I didn't care about anyone else. I was staring at all the chocolate in the room. But Tina Turner was there, and Cher showed up. I felt totally like a gay man. I was like, "Cher! Cher! I love you Cher!"

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: Let's talk politics for a second, so a woman and a black guy are running ---
LL: WHOA! Did you think you would have seen the day? What is next? What is this change the country is seeing?

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: So who would get your vote?
LL: The black guy, cause he is a mocha latté black. He is an acceptable black, who won't scare off the whites. He's not a dark scary Kunta Kinte black. He is a black guy without the drive-by-shooting. People should vote for him, not Hilary Clinton. She's a lesbian. Pretty soon, with Clinton, it would be Rosie O'Donnell for Vice-President.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: That'd be some kind of administration...
LL: We'd all have to wear Birkenstocks and grow our under-arm hair. It's no good!

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: You've been a darling of Comedy Central, are they easy to work with?
LL: No they suck! Fuck you Comedy Central! No, they are great. They put my first special without one bleep, and put it on after midnight when my fans have come home from failing to get laid.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: You seem to genuinely like the people you are slashing.
LL: Well, if you like the person it comes off better, cause it doesn't appear angry or hateful. I like people who I respect or like. I really liked doing the roasts for William Shattner. I like Pam Anderson and Flavor Flav. I like them. I respect them.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: What about someone you don't respect or like? Is it then tough to be mean to them?
LL: Ha! No, its not hard to be mean. It's hard to come off lovable and mean. You don't want the audience to turn on you. You don't want to come off as angry. When I did the roast for Jerry Lewis, who requested me, Sandra Bernhard was in the audience and she was sitting there staring me down. I don't even know her. I guess it is because my audience includes more then 80 year-old gay guys. Sorry to be popular you snatch-licking bitch. So it was very hard to do nasty jokes about her, cause I didn't want to come off angry. But I was able to pull it off cause my amazing acting ability.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: Who do you really want to destroy?
LL: Oprah. I'd like to have her and Tom Cruise in a room and go back and forth between the two of him. She's a bitch and he's a huge closet-case.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: What about that wife of his?
LL: Ha! I loved her on Dawson's Creek. This was a show I grew up with. When I was 30. I loved that show very much, and it reminded me how much my childhood sucked. But let me tell you something, now she is a freak and a terrible actress. She's awful in that new movie with Queen Lafitfah.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: Wow, I can't remember what I was going to ask you next. You made me forget what I was going to say.
LL: Cause I'm brilliant and you can't keep up with me.

ASSOCIATED CONTENT: [Laughs] You were a journalist once, does this job get any better or is it going to suck for the rest of my life?
Yeah, you are going to make 12 grand for the rest of your life. You should quite the job and work for a Crisis Center so you are doing something positive.

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