Interview with a Polyamorous Woman: The View from Inside an Unconventional Family

We're familiar with polygamy: a person marrying more than one spouse. What's the difference between polygamy and polyamory?

Polyamory is loving more than one person, not necessarily marrying.

How does your relationship work?

I am married, and my husband is my primary love. But we remain open to loving others and at times have had secondary relationships.

How is that different from swinging?

I dislike swinging... Swingers tend to practice "swapping," which is sleeping with someone else's spouse with their partner's consent. Swapping is usually done in separate rooms and on a casual basis. Our experiences with secondary relationships include everyone and involve the same activities that I share with my husband: dinners, board games, movie night and celebrating milestones.

How did you become polyamorous?

I found my values in my late teens and have refined them through adulthood. Long story short, I fell in love with a second person right about the time Amy Bloom said that "Love is not a pie." I just didn't feel like it was right to force a person to give up a good thing in order to have another good thing. The right partner will work with you until you both have what you need.

How did you convince your husband to follow this lifestyle?

He was already poly when I met him. That's part of what helped our relationship grow. We had the same views.

Are you "in the closet" about your open marriage? Have you told your friends and family?

Some of our close relatives and friends are aware. We don't actively hide it and will discuss it if asked. At the same time, discretion is often important to our partners. I may not care if the neighbors think I'm immoral, but if our loved ones are concerned, we respect their wishes.

How do you explain something like this to, say, your parents?

I start with the Amy Bloom quote. Love isn't finite. I can give love to someone else without taking any away from my husband. We are consenting adults with our own interpretation of our needs.

I believe that some relationships suffer because of the pressure of satisfying a spouse's every need and want. The truth is that no one can do that. There will always be things that one person can't give. That leads to expansion of the relationship. Some put close friends into that sphere, or clergy. We choose to be open to other partners. When we approach it from that perspective, it's more easily understood.

Do you think that your marriage is healthier than a monogamous one?

Obviously, some monogamous marriages are extremely dysfunctional. We have also seen poly marriages that are always on the verge of falling apart. We have a loving and balanced marriage. Many people have the same emotional stability through a single spouse and peripheral relationships, like friends. It's all about finding what works for you as an individual and balancing that with your spouse(s).

Have you ever had a non-legal marriage to another partner?

No. We haven't had a secondary relationship that has progressed to that level. If that never happens, I'm ok with it. It doesn't diminish our relationships. But if it does happen, it will be an amazing commitment for everyone, and a joyful one.

Are you always looking for a new partner?

No. In our lives, polyamory is being open to other loves, not dependent on them. We may comment on a lady's attractiveness, but we're not on the prowl, so to speak.

Do you only have female partners?

That's been our experience and we have been happy. But I never say never.

How do your secondary relationships end?

Typically, we just grow apart. We want different things in life. It's no different from a single relationship... except that it is more complex. As difficult as it is to find lasting compatibility between two people, you can imagine how much harder it is for three. We've never had a kind of violent or dramatic "break up." We all come to a consensus with no hard feelings.

What do you do between partners?

I think that's a funny question. It assumes that we're dependent on a third party, and we're not. We've spent years without a secondary relationship. Our marriage is very happy.

In that case, why be poly?

It goes back to what I said about being open to new loves. Being poly means that we can openly discuss the emotions that may have otherwise lead to dissatisfaction and adultery, including loneliness and lust. And we can address those problems without shame. It has forced us to be honest and to work hard to make our relationship strong. We aren't each other's "ball and chain." Our marriage is about stability and compatibility, not exclusivity.

What about children?

We are childfree by choice. We have rarely dated someone with a child, but it has happened. I prefer not to have children. My husband and I will not be biological parents. But if our family is meant to have them through another partner, it will happen.

Children are a huge sticking point for those who are anti-poly. How can a child be raised in a family with three or more parents? I think that the focus should not be on the parents, but on the family. If my brother were to live with us and we had children, would he not be a part of their upbringing? A loving environment will always produce children with an awareness of love. Poly parents seem strange, but there was a time when being raised by grandparents or a single mother or father was seen as a handicap. With time, families of all shapes and sizes find acceptance.

Do you have any advice to a person who wants to live a poly lifestyle?

Think hard and work hard! Love yourself and take care of yourself first. Commit. Don't give lip service. And if you're looking at it from a sexual standpoint, take some time to sew your oats. Consider discussing a swinging lifestyle. Polyamory is not about sex, and if you try to limit it to that aspect, you won't be a good partner and no one in your family will be truly satisfied.