Interview of Senator Clinton

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 2 - February 12, 2008

Good morning friends. We have amazing and incredible news. You already know that Senator Clinton is running for the Democratic nomination for President. What you don't know is that she graciously agreed to be interviewed by our very own Timid Reporter ®. Of necessity, the interview had to be brief, but that is not really important, considering the import of such a coup on the Coffee Club's part. Just so that all of you may be aware (we always aim for the highest standards of transparency), we paid him $25.00 up front for this assignment and gave him an IOU for the balance ($25.00). As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

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TR: Good morning. Are you Mrs. Clinton?
HC: Yes, but I prefer Senator Clinton if you don't mind.
TR: Yes of course. I'm sorry. You are much taller in person.
HC: No, I'm always the same height but I think I know what you mean. You need to be more precise with your statements.
TR: Maybe it's because I'm so short.
HC: No, I really am tall. I just look short when I stand next to Bill so most people think I'm short - especially those who don't know me personally. I was told this would take no more than five minutes.
TR: Yes, I will be very brief. They only allowed me three questions. Do you mind if I use my tape recorder?
HC: Yes, I do mind. We agreed on no tapes and no videos - especially no videos, not this early in the morning.
TR: Ok, then I'll just take notes.
HC: Please. Sit down already.
TR: Thank you. It must be hard living out of a suitcase.
HC: That sounded like a statement but I will assume it was really a question and no, it's not hard at all. Not when I have four hundred thirty nine people looking after me, not including Bill.
TR: I was just making a comment.
HC: That's too bad. You have two more questions.
TR: Why are you so mean to Senator Obama?
HC: Oh, my God! Where did you get your training my friend?
TR: I have a Doctorate from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea. Why?
HC: What kind of school is that?
TR: Correspondence....
HC: I knew it! I just had a feeling about that, you know. You are a perfect example of why, in my administration, I will stress education above all else.
TR: What about health care?
HC: That, too. And Social Security and the environment and foreign policy and New Orleans.
TR: Why New Orleans?
HC: What State are we in?
TR: Texas.
HC: Ok, then, let's rebuild El Paso, San Antonio, and Fort Worth instead.
TR: Our readers might take that the wrong way.
HC: No, honestly, I could use the delegates.
TR: And the money?
HC: I'll take it out of the funding for Iraq. They no longer need so much money.
TR: You sound so confident and sure of yourself.
HC: It's the leader in me. One cannot run for office with fear in one's heart. One must be strong and persistent and optimistic, like a five-star General.
TR: Were you in the military?
HC: No, but that's irrelevant. It takes greater bravery to be a politician than to be a military commander. The constant criticism, second guessing, gossip, innuendo, mud-slinging, editorials, blogs, and downright lies... it's not easy, believe me.
TR: But it has its pluses, too.
HC: If you're referring to the State dinners, Air-Force One, the adulation from people who truly understand you, the perks, the speaking fees afterward, and the great awe-inspiring power, yes, of course. That's why I truly want to serve my country - to turn things around while Bill and I enjoy all of that all over again.
TR: Will President Clinton be your most trusted advisor?
HC: Well, of course, I will be President Clinton.
TR: I meant your husband.
HC: I knew what you meant - I was just making a little joke that evidently went over your head.
TR: I'm sorry.
HC: No that's ok, I know your limitations. I sometimes think people don't really know that I can be sympathetic. I have to constantly explain that a person in my position has to strike a balance between being soft and being tough, but mostly tough.
TR: Is that why you're mean to Senator Obama?
HC: There you go again. Besides, it's not me, it's Bill.
TR: Is he a jealous man?
HC: That's a personal question and I won't answer it for the record - just between you and me, though, he is quite the jealous one but he's always tried not to show it. You cannot print that, of course.
TR: Don't worry, I won't.
HC: In any relationship, one must always forgive and compromise if that relationship is to continue. Love, above all else, is generosity, but it must absolutely be a two-way street. The government can play a fatherly role, yes, but the children must be responsible children.
TR: You remind me of President Roosevelt.
HC: Which one?
TR: Both.
HC: You can't be that old.
TR: Yes, I am. I was just a child back then but I still remember the Rough Riders.
HC: You look very young for your age - whatever it is. How do you do it?
TR: I take natural herbs and natural supplements on a daily basis.
HC: I shall have to talk to my National Health Plan consultants about that. It could save the country a ton of money.
TR: Will you find it hard to run the country with so many complex problems?
HC: No, not really. The hardest part will actually be to unravel those complexities so that they become simple problems. I shouldn't give too much of my game plan away, but take the domestic side, for example. What the country needs is all there in the Declaration of Independence - the common defense, health, liberty, peace - even happiness.
TR: And, the Constitution?
HC: The courts can take care of the Constitution.
TR: I don't know what you mean.
HC: Well, I'm not going to explain it to you in two minutes, besides; I think your time is up. My security people will escort you out.
TR: But, what about immigration policy and the economy and the Middle East?
HC: There will be plenty of time to worry about those issues; in the meantime, I have to concentrate on the nomination, so, if you will please excuse me, you have to go. On your way out, tell Bill I'm ready to see him.

With that, the Timid Reporter took his leave and boarded a bus heading downtown, in hopes of locating Senator Obama.