Intimacy, Communication & Relationships:

What does intimacy have to do with communication? What does it mean to be able to have boundaries and still have a close relationship with the person you care about? How do you relay your needs without seeming like you are a push over, selfish or insensitive and still pay attention to what the other person is expressing they need as well and being able to respect their requests? How do intimacy, healthy communication and relationships affect your overall health and well being?

Sounds pretty familiar, doesn't it. You're not alone. So many have the same concerns and questions in their minds and hearts, even on a regular basis -including the one you care about, regardless if it is expressed clearly and directly to you or not.

Some of what the greatest challenges are today is that of people taking that moment just to listen to each other without the preconceived notion of what they think will be said next or their fears, resentments and concerns related to past issues and experiences. When this is set aside and one just listens to what is shared from the heart of the other; and in the same context, the person sharing expresses openly without the concern or fear what may be expected of them to say or how they think the other might react and just shares from the heart where they are and leaves it at that -life can be experienced and valued in a better place, as well as your relationships and the ability to communicate more clearly, effectively and with integrity.

When we think of intimacy, most often we only relate it to the part of a relationship that reflects a couple and their sexuality. Ironically true intimacy is not just related to physical contact or love making; however, it is first and foremost the ability to relate to another human being or "the detailed knowledge of one another" that creates the connection and bond which requires a continuum of "dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity." (1)

In order to understand how intimacy is experienced, would be to take a look at different examples in life that draw individuals and even families closer. It can vary from person to person because we are different in the sense that we may process internally our life experiences and also find that one type of outward expression feels more meaningful internally than another, whereas, to your partner, for example may be more moved or touched by that same experience that you were not. This is where the opportunity arises for you and your loved one to either chose to grow close by this difference, by implementing it for each other to bring you closer or using it as an excuse to push each other further away.

Here are some examples of how this may appear. To give some contextual reference, the author, Gary Chapman wrote about specific manners in which individuals express and are more responsive to feeling loved. His book is called "The Five Love Languages." Here we realize that improved communication in our relationships also decreases our internal stress, improving physical and mental health, which can also support our ability to be the person we desire to be in our relationship. It is making that conscious choice in our own mental and emotional health to support the health and well being of our relationships, which also is reflected in our physical well being in how we care for our selves as well.

One example can be in giving and receiving. This can be in regards to giving and receiving of compliments, acts of kindness, acts of services or the giving and receiving of gifts. In Gary's book, "The Five Love Languages," he speaks about one of the love languages as being the receiving of gifts. It seems that one of the most misunderstood concepts in the world today evolves around money, material things and gifts too. The reality that is yet to be truly realized is the equality between giving and receiving. Yes, you read that correctly. Giving and receiving have the same value. It is just as good to receive with love, as it is to give with love. Take a deep breath, as I clarify this for you.

One of the misconceptions, that was lost in translation from Christ's original language of Aramaic in the Holy Scriptures when it said, now, in English, that is better to receive than to give, is that as you read through out the Scripture and understand in context the true meaning is that it is better to give, than to be one that just takes from others -that is the truth. This is understood, when taken to heart, that it is referencing more than just material or physical means as well, but is all inclusive of what effects all aspects of our human nature - mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well being and experiential relationships with one another. When you understand that, you have clarity.

Also take pause and think on a time when you, in all genuine care, gave to another and had no request or desire to have anything in return for it. Do you remember how good you felt? It was like your heart and maybe even your whole being was full, right? Perhaps they even knew the act or gift was from you and even thanked or acknowledged you; those were words of appreciation -out of the love of thanksgiving.

So be it in the same token, when you receive -you receive in the same love that you give; it is of equal value; the same space of love; intimate love -that which creates closeness and connection and even a bond.

The act of giving a gift isn't just about a thing, but the intention and thought behind it that creates the value. Just as it is with any act or behavior, you know the intention behind it when you have taken your time and considered the other person and not just rushed around randomly with out care or concern because the situation or the person had little meaning or value to you. Your words, actions, time spent and even your gifts will always reflect your true intention and thoughts about the person you are with or expressing to or about.

One other example that may help address the question we asked regarding expressing our own needs effectively, as well as hearing the needs of our loved ones and meeting them - would be that of quality time and words of affirmation when we choose to follow through.

What that looks like is first being able to distinguish between our own genuine needs and just trying to be right and get our own way or convince and/or persuade the other person to do or agree with our perspective. There is a difference between genuine basic needs and behaving needy to get attention or out of old fears, doubts or beliefs from prior experiences not dealt with in a healthy fashion. It is not the responsibility of your loved ones to heal, fix or even know for you why you are behaving in this manner. Only you can take charge of you and then let your family and/or loved ones know what is going on, so they can support and encourage you in what ever way necessary.

Otherwise, when you are clear on your own needs and so is your partner, you are able to hear them and respect what ever they need. By the same token, you will also be able to express clearly what brings you joy and how to share that with your loved one, in a way that both of you can feel respected, loved and maintain personal integrity as well as feel as though you are being fulfilled and fulfilling your partners needs -each to the best of your abilities. You will be aware of this because each of you will find it easy and welcoming to stay open to talk to each other freely, securely and will not feel threatened in any way. There will be a knowing that you both are safe to share those inner most thoughts and feelings with each other because it will be held with the utmost respect and never abused or used against each other or outside the relationship in any way. There is honor and regard at all times -this is a very deep sense of connection and intimacy that ensures the bond and long lasting relationship.

When a relationship has this level of connection, bonding and intimacy, then all else is clearly easier and more natural. When you have respect for one another, and trust that what you ask of someone is automatically held in regard because you are of value to that person - then it is only natural that all areas of intimacy are fulfilled much easier. If one area, especially of the foundation is lacking, then the rest will fall apart.

Choose to nurture your relationships, be it with your partner, within yourself that you understand your own value and worth and will choose relationships that will value and respect you as a human being by nature and as equal creation and the relationships in your families and communities. Nurturing self, your partner and those you care about is demonstrating health and well being of mind, body and spirit -the foundation and building blocks to balance and harmony. Blessings on your life journey.

(1) Intimacy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimate_relationship