Introverts' Guide to Being the Life of the Party

Are you the wallflower type who would like to be the life of the party, if only for one night? Perhaps you have good social skills, but you want to stand out more in the crowd. Here is a guide for the introvert who wants to work a room by with ease and charisma.

Starting conversation

The first step when an introvert arrives at a party is to tell herself or himself: Whatever happens tonight is all in good fun. And if I screw up, I'll simply forgive myself and keep on moving. Thinking of the party as a game, or a weird dream, or fodder for an interesting short story may also help. When you arrive at the party scan the room and observe what you see. Who catches your eye? With whom might you have something in common? Make a mental note of the people you would like to speak with by the end of the night, and make an effort to speak to all of them. It doesn't matter whether you do or don't, only that you have a loose game plan to go by.

You might want to start with the fellow staring down at his shoes at the buffet table, he's probably an introvert too. The best way to break the ice is to talk about the one thing you definitely have in common - being at the same party. You can start things off by saying "I can't believe the decorations in this place. [the hostess] really went the whole nine yards" or "...so what do you think about the corn fritters? Pretty good, or have you had better?" or even "I knew [the hostess] was a people magnet but I still can't believe it. Look at this crowd!" Incidentally, complimenting the hostess, the party, the food or the decorations is always a good opener or segue during a lull in conversation. Leave the weather and sports small talk for the office watercooler.

Getting in the Mix

If you're feeling a little bold, it's fun to have a good opener. "So tell me your version of utopia" or "So if this party was a movie, what movie would it be?" In her book "The Art of Mingling: Proven Techniques for Mastering Any Room" by Jeanne Martinet, the author gives innumerable tips that are good for both introverts and extroverts, many of which were adapted for this article. One of her opening line techniques is a brilliant one that can tell you a lot about the person you are approaching for conversation. It's called "The Sophistication Test" and it entails asking an open-ended question that can be interpreted a myriad of ways. The best examples are "So how did you get here?" or "So what does it all mean?" The answer will tell you a lot about the person. If they answer literally ("in a cab") you can relax and settle in for some predictable - possibly boring - small talk. If they give an answer like "well my mother met my father and the rest was history" then you are dealing with a wise guy, who may be amusing but will keep you on your toes. Or perhaps they will offer a witty but approachable answer "well, we all end up in the same place eventually." Then you know you may have a good conversation partner on your hands. However, be prepared to answer the questions you throw their way because they may be thrown back at you!

If all else fails, and you feel you are in good company you can always use the honest direct opener: "I promised myself I would mingle as much as possible tonight. Then I saw that you were wearing orange shoes and I knew I had to come talk to you." You can always use flattery too - but don't go overboard, and don't get too personal. Some etiquette professionals warn to only compliment accessories a person is wearing, as commenting on their dress is too personal or off putting.

Continuing Conversation

One of the best ways to keep things going at a party is to play games. Perhaps you have a good party trick - something quirky you've memorized or your ability to make a quarter disappear. Or your game could be as easy as "Guess my accent" if you are in a room with people from various places, or "tell me 3 things about [your job, your background] and I'll guess what it is". There are many variations of this game.

When the game is over and things settle back into conversation don't panic. The way you maintain in control of the conversation is with one simple trick - keep asking questions. Ask people questions about themselves and they will be talking the whole night (we'll tell you how to get OUT of such a situation in just a little bit). But be sure to keep it from feeling like an interview. Feel free to stop and comment on something they say, offer your own experience or espouse your opinion. But most importantly, keep it light. Perhaps you don't like small talk, and find it superficial. Don't be afraid to bring up topics you care about or that are interesting to you. But try and steer clear from topics that are divisive, invoke feelings of misery, or complaints about the party. If the party has a weird energy, sometimes a simple eyebrow raise and an anecdote about another weird party you went to will take the conversation in a whole new direction.

Dealing with the Jack Ass

There's no doubt that sooner or later in your various mingling expeditions you will come across some Jack Asses. Some are just jokers, others are real hyenas. There are many ways to field their insults. If they are just a wise guy you might say "It's good to see you can crack yourself up like that. Maybe some day you'll make us crack up too" or if they truly insult you could say "Are you this mean to everybody or am I just lucky?" or the slightly more biting version "Did you wake up this morning determined to be the biggest buzz kill possible?" When someone gives you a particularly offensive insult and it is clear to everyone in the circle that they've been offensive, you may find yourself speechless. You can take the opportunity to turn away from the perpetrator, and give your friends a toast saying something like "To people who weren't born in a barn, raised by pigs" And continue talking with your friends if possible. The perpetrator will probably slink away to his or her next victim. Incidentally the "toast" trick is also a great way to smooth things over after a disagreement, or to take the spotlight off of you in conversation.

On Faux Pas

Whether it's you who are the one who has committed the heinous faux pas, or it's the friend you brought - it's always awkward to be in the mix when someone screws up, but fear not. The good thing about parties is that people are usually a little tipsy and forgiving. The best way to do things is to keep a sense of humor about yourself. In fact, this is the key in all things social. Laughing at yourself will take away the power of those who want to laugh at you, and will prevent judgmental people from judging you too harshly. Whether it's a sober "Oh god, did I just say that?" or the more light-hearted "Let's do that scene over again. Shall we?" Another one of Martinent's faux pas recovery lines always sticks in my mind "I'm sorry I'm on autopilot tonight...and I just crashed."

Another tactic to smooth over awkward moments is the use of quotations. As Martinent points out in The Art of Mingling - common quotes from popular culture may be kitschy or cliché, but they relieve tension and allow people to open up. Perhaps you know some literary or philosophical quotes that can be pulled out at an opportune moment, but moments from pop culture will do just fine. After a hotly debated topic you might tell your sparring partner "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" or you might quote Bette Davis and say "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!" to acknowledge tension. Or perhaps you will invoke the Twilight Zone when something weird is happening. "You are now entering another dimension...."

Exit Strategies

The good thing about parties is this - leaving is easy. You may feel obligated to the geek who has cornered you in the room talking about java code and flash animation but truly you are not obligated to speak to anybody longer than you care to. In fact often times the shorter the better. It is totally forgivable to move onto the next person, the next drink, or slip off to the bathroom in order to get away. The best time to get away when you are in a group is, of course, when the conversation begins to fade. Or perhaps a new speaker comes to the circle, providing you with good timing to take leave. Many times you don't even need to explain where you are going, but if the discussion is intimate and you offer that you are going back to the buffet, or to make a quick phone call - do follow through. Even if you think no one is watching, it would be bad to get caught red-handed.

If you are with a particularly light-hearted group you can even use the direct approach "Well - it's been real ladies. But I promised myself I would come out of my shell tonight and hit up everyone at the party. Must go mingle!" and then do exactly that. However if you are cornered by the java code geek with visible exit, the only way you can wade out of the deep end is to take control back of the conversation. That's right, steer it back to your side of the road, then drive off. "That's interesting, my uncle was in computer programming and he said the pay is great but the hours are long. I guess it all depends on what your priorities are! Well look, I have to go check on my friend who I came here with and make sure she isn't passed out. Nice talking to you!". It's that simple.

Saying Goodnight

At the end of the night you don't have to say goodbye to everyone you talked with, or the group as a whole. The best time to leave is when the party is still raging but you have reached your peak. As an introvert, you will probably reach your peak before the wee hours of the morning. Unless you're with good friends it's okay to abide by the rule "Nothing good happens after midnight". Go out on a good note, even if it's only 12:30. Thank the hostess, follow up with the people you want to contact in the future, and slip out without making a big deal of it. Congratulations. You have just pulled off a whole night of "Being the life of the party"! People were probably impressed by your skill and at ease with your charm. As an introvert you also have the added bonus of appearing to be a good listener, even if you were worrying the whole time about what to say next. No matter what happened over the course of the night, feel good about the things that went right and don't replay the things that went wrong after you figure out how to handle it better in the future. Hopefully it will give you a taste of how good and confidence building it feels to be the life of the party. Soon enough you'll coming back for more.