Introverts Are Not Idiots

Do you remember having to create an "I-Search" paper in middle school? "I-Search" is a play on research, a sort of child's touchy-feely introduction to the big bad world of research. You pick a topic to which you have a personal connection, and then you do a few interviews with people you know, think about your own personal experiences with the topic, and look up some statistics in a book or two. You then write a paper detailing your "process" (why you're interested in the topic and how you learned what you learned) and your "results" (your personal thoughts about the subject). I wrote my 8th grade "I-Search" on ESP. Marti Olsen Laney apparently wrote hers on introversion.

I picked up The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in and Extrovert World (Workman Publishing Company, 2002) because I'm an introvert, and if you pick it up, it's probably for the same reason. But if you are an introvert, you probably already know what that means, and you aren't going to be enlightened by Laney's adulthood discovery of the Myers-Briggs Personality Test that the rest of us all took in high school. The idea that an "introverted" personality type existed apparently came as a shock to her. Hey, I'm not disordered after all! On the other hand, perhaps that shock is believable, given, as Christopher Lane has written, how shyness became a disorder. Of course, being introverted is not the same as being shy, and this is a point Laney emphasizes. Introverts draw their energy from being alone, and extroverts draw it from being around other people. It's not that I'm too shy to go to the cocktail party; it's just that I find prolonged conversation on insubstantial topics with people I know only superficially to be positively draining.

Laney is gentle with us introverts. She promises to break things into "bite-size pieces" and "small morsels" so as not to burden our easily over-stimulated introverted brains. And boy does she keep her promise! In her nearly double-spaced text, there's a new chapter every 20 or so pages, with a big, bold, underlined chapter heading, followed by a centered quote. Within each chapter, there's a new subhead every 5-6 paragraphs, under which there is usually another centered quote. Every 4-5 pages, there's also a picture, a shaded box, or a bullet-point list of "points to ponder," which almost always includes some variation on "It's okay! You're just an introvert! You're not a loser! Really!" The entire book is divided into three "parts," one every 90 or so pages, and includes a "Final Farewell" where introverts are encouraged, "Be you. Remember, let your light shine."

After a "prelude," an "overture," the Part I section divider, the first chapter title, twelve subheads, one shaded box, one bullet-point list, and ten centered quotes, on page 28, we finally reach the "Are You an Introvert Quiz?" In case your itsy-bitsy, introverted brain can't handle the full-on 29-question true or false "Self Assessment for Introverts," there's also a "Quickie Quiz" that will help you to determine whether or not you're introverted. After following Laney's advice to take the test "on a day when you are feeling relaxed and not stressed out" in "a cozy nook where you won't be interrupted," I somehow managed to tackle the full-on quiz. Okay, I really took it while waiting in the carpool line to pick up my daughter from school while my son sat in the backseat complaining that the sun was too bright, but somehow I still managed to come out with the score "pretty darn introverted." Well, darn! Now what I do? Thankfully, Laney was there to tell me.

The only problem with her solutions is that they are based on a concept of introversion that is rather narrowly defined; her definition may possibly be confined to someone who shares her precise personality. I sometimes wondered just who on earth she was talking about, especially when she said things such as, "Our mind seems blank. This is why introverts can even forget what we like to do or what we are good at...So let's say you like to paint or fish or walk around a park with flowers in bloom, but that information is locked in long-term memory. You have some free time, but you can't remember what you like to do. This may sound nuts to an extrovert, but it is a common problem of introverts." Well, I'm "pretty darn introverted" according to her assessment, and it still sounds pretty darn nuts to me.

Of course, she does issue the caveat that not everything in the book will apply to every introvert, that you should take what you can and leave the rest, that whether you are right-brain dominate or left-brain dominate may affect whether or not you relate to her personality descriptors. Despite this caveat, it often feels as if Lanely learned about the "I" and "E" components of the Myers-Briggs personality test but didn't learn that I's can come with an N or an S, a T or an F, a J or a P. And if you're an "I" who also got a "J" on the Myer's Briggs, I'm going to guess you're going to find this book virtually unbearable.

The book might have been better titled "The Introvert DISadvantage: How to SURVive in an Extrovert World." We introverts are outnumbered 3 to 1, at least in the West, where extroversion is admired and encouraged. Furthermore, many extroverts do seem to assume that, because we are not extroverted, we are simply aloof, socially backward, self-absorbed, weak, or any combination thereof. So it's nice to have someone say, essentially, "Hey, you're just self-reflective and dependable!"

You might find this book reassuring if you're an introvert who tends to go around thinking, "What is wrong with me?" (Because of societal pressures to be extroverted, and because of the introvert's natural tendency toward introspection, most introverts do, at some point, ask just that.) It might also be a worthwhile book for introvert/extrovert married couples to read and discuss together, so that they might better understand one another and be more merciful to one another, but I hope there is a better book out there for that purpose - - i.e., one that doesn't make your extroverted spouse think introverts are pretty darn helpless without itsy-bitsy bite-sized bullet point guides.

I realize I've beaten on this book pretty badly, but let me say what I did like about it. It did make me feel better about myself, despite its attempt to infantilize me. I especially related to the section on guilt and shame. All four bullet-point-sprinkled pages of it. The brain chemistry component was vaguely interesting. There was also the pleasure of self-recognition. "Introverts tend to have more sleep problems." Yep! That's me! "Eye contact increases stimulation, so we introverts tend to avoid it." Oh, that too! Me too! (Actually, I have no idea why I tend to avoid it. I just know it makes me very uncomfortable, and to this day, I still have to force myself to do it every time I do it.) Then there's the "Phone Phobia" section. Hey! Hand up here! Guilty as charged!

Fortunately, I didn't have any need for the dating section of the book, but I found the "When Personality Types Collide -- Innie Female with Outie Male" section more or less a propos of my experience. The chapter on children was also of interest to me, especially since I have one of each (an introverted boy and an extroverted girl). It provided me with some useful reminders and advice for interacting with my two different children. Some of the advice she gives about making decisions about when and how to engage in social situations, and how to say no, is, if obvious, still reassuring. Yet just when I'd think it was getting good, she'd slip in some more ridiculous and condescending advice: "Most introverts hate name tags because they draw unwanted attention -- but at some events they're expected. Here are some tips to make them more playful:

* Write each letter of your name in a different color.

* Draw a cute picture instead of or with your name..."

Ummm --

* I actually like name tags, because then I don't have to worry about forgetting names, which I often don't hear because I'm lost in my thoughts

* If I don't want to draw attention to myself, why would I do something cutesy and attention-grabbing with my name tag?

A lot of the stuff in this book is not news to me, as I "slipped myself permission" to be an introvert long ago. Fortunately, my parents both slipped me permission to be introverted when I was growing up. Consequently, I have on the whole remained largely unscathed by the accident of being an introvert in an extroverted world. I think most introverts, precisely because they are introspective, will already have figured out most of these insights into their introversion already, and, if they are over the age of 28, they will probably have figured out most of these survival techniques already as well. If, however, you're an introvert who has not been "slipped permission" to be yourself, or you're an introvert who has never figured out that e-mail can be used in lieu of the phone, read this book. Plow through the condescending baby talk and benefit where you can. In the end, however, introverts don't really need a book written about introverts for introverts. What we really need is a book written about introverts for extroverts.