Ipods Are for Morons

The Interim Pod has become the biggest hit maker of the past few years. Apple CEO Steve Jobs decided to revolutionize music by creating a beautiful looking mp3 player. Let's call this player, Kellie Pickler, just kidding. The iPod came out as a nice white box and it was a smaller sized contraption than the rest of the icebox mp3 players out on the market. What's even better, it started to sell pretty well. Steve realized the potential in such a product that he decided that in order to get this player into the hands of every moron in America, he had to first get a proper sizing on the hand dimensions of his soon to be pawns. You see folks, Steve Jobs has incredible vision.

Steve went to his brainy engineers and told them to start inventing the greatest mp3 players ever. In fact, right now, as we speak, there are iPods that massage your feet as you listen to music. The headphones are designed with 15 ft. wires so in case you accidentally get the cord wrapped around your body, you won't break it because you have all of that slack. After all, it's not just a music device, it's a therapy device now too.

Apple actually had developed the Video iPod approximately 3 months after it released it's original crappy generation 1 iPod. They had 10GB, 20GB, 60GB, and they had already created the iPod Shuffle.

"TOO SMALL," cried the technology genius.

"The world isn't ready yet. We need a bigger small sized mp3 player. Let's invest in a medium sized one and call it… The Mini."

And so, the world was then introduced to the iPod Mini.

The world was perplexed. What should I do? Should I buy an iPod that is 1.5 times the size yet stores 20 times more songs or should I buy the Mini that holds way less at a cost that is nowhere near it's relative storage size. Steve knew that this would shut the public up for a few months. It worked and iPod Minis became bigger than M&M Minis (Well that's obvious since iPods are really big compared to M&M Candies, but you know what I meant figuratively right?).

But wait, I still need to get these machines into the hands of people who matter. Now people with big pockets and medium pockets all had a device, but we are still concerned about the common man. In order to maximize our potential, we need the iPod to be marketed by the World's leaders. Someone people look up to for direction. We need Jessica Biel.

As America was eagerly anticipating the Award Winning Film Blade Trinity, Apple slipped a nifty little mp3 player into every cast and production member's make up bag. By the way, that little gift only cost Apple $17.84. Basically, it cost them nothing to hand out 20 iPods to people who were already rich.

"Hey Joey, you get this funny little white box in your make up bag," asked Christopher.

"Nah man, mine's a little green one."

Soon, the entire set became poisoned to this little slice of heaven. The director knew what these contraptions were. His daughter had an iPod because he spoiled her with one. You see, the daughter had said that she would have held her breath until she choked to death unless she got one for Xmas. Daddy delivered. And now, it was time to deliver again.

The Director decided to let Jessica Biel's character wear an iPod while she fought vampires. I don't know about you, but she looked really hot doing it. Realistically, it's not that practical. Do you know anyone that has actually successfully*, and I mean truly successfully used an iPod while working out? There's always some cable that gets caught in the treadmill or your left side feels heavier than your right side so you keep adjusting. But, you want to feel cool because I can workout and listen to music all at once. I want to conform to society and be like the schmuck that is running right beside me.

*If you just thought the word "Yes" in your head you are a moron and you should hit yourself in the face. C'mon do it, I dare you, pansy. If you just said, "Yes" out loud you should tell your mom to kick you in the crotch.

BOOM! iPods had another explosion.

"Well how about that," thought Jobs, "This crap actually worked!" He realized that he was sitting on so much potential that he decided to give it to all of the Olympians and all the athletes. It's cool to have an iPod. It's white! Who doesn't like white? He decided to visit the slums of New York to find out. "They must love white there right?"

Actually, to his astonishment, he was correct on his assessment. Every black kid in the inner city was carrying an iPod. He interviewed dozens of children.

"Excuse me my good sir, but I noticed you are carrying an iPod. But as a student, where is your backpack?"

"Backpack? What's a backpack," asked the young student.

"Well, a backpack is used for storage, like books and calculators."

"A Calcu-what? Yeah, that's what an iPod is. It stores [expletive] right here in this tiny magic box. And when you press this triangle, it unleashes a dragon, Sisqo the Dragon!"

Steve realized that children care more about expensive sneakers and iPods than they do about math and English (Apple is currently making a Sneaker/iPod-in-one and Allstar/Rapper Allen Iverson is going to market it.). I mean, if you give a clerk $500 for a $300 iPod, do I really care that he hands me back two Abraham Lincolns, one Hamilton, and a Benjamin Franklin?* Heck no, because I gots me an iPod!

*I bet most people don't even know how much money that is.

Steve was overwhelmed with his findings. We went back to his R&D team to discuss their next move. The team came up with this miracle formula, which actually works for most retail items.

Morons + Greedy Business Men = $$$

Apple took a good look at its inventory. Well, we have 30 different versions of essentially the same thing. What we can do is release a different iPod every 3-6 months and this will last us 5-10 years of not having to work. In fact, people are so dumb, they will probably just buy a new iPod everytime one comes out. Wait, why are we only selling white iPods, if we changed the color, more people will buy more iPods. I mean seriously, how often do you change your underwear, like twice a month? And what colors are they? White and Black! So if we made iPods of the same color they need to match their underwear right? We just doubled our product!

Today, iPod is the most expensive mp3 player out there. But, I've heard it's the best? Okay.

Today, iTunes owns 90% of the Digital Music Market.

Today, iPods are so popular that they have actually increased sales for Apple computers. This fact actually is really neat because I don't think there has ever been another product in the history of products that has done this. It's like saying Goodyear drove up Ford's sales.

Today, you currently have owned three different iPods and you still want a 6GB Black iPod Nano.

Today, an iPod is sold every three minutes.

Today, Steve Jobs is "the Man" and I respect his genius.