Iran Arrests Squirrels

Sky News has reported that fourteen squirrels have been arrested by Iranian security. The squirrels, accused of espionage, are suspected of having British intelligence connections. It is unclear how the squirrels will be treated under Islamic law.

Details of the squirrel-gate scandal are sketchy at best. Rumors that the bushy tailed rodents were outfitted with micro-miniature cameras and directional microphones have not been verified. If verified, this would be the first time rodents, other than gerbils, have been caught spying.

British intelligence experts inspired by the Secret Squirrel cartoons developed the Network of Undercover Threats - Zoological (NUTZ) to determine if and which animals could be properly trained for spying. This footage details the intensive rigors of squirrel training for these dangerous missions.

While some may find animals spies unbelievable, pigeons have been used for centuries to delivery sensitive information by many intelligence organizations. While researching squirrel-gate, we stumbled upon a British pigeon counter intelligence operative train by NUTZ in action. The counter-pigeon agent, code named Gertrude, was spirited out of London after being outed by liberal BBC media.

The warm water temperatures in the Persian Gulf have hampered US efforts to place animal spies in Iran. The Navy's trained sea lions refuse to work in water temperatures over 65 degrees without a 50% increase in sardines. In an effort to regain prominence in the animal espionage world, the US has been feverish training gerbils since the mid 1990's. Per an un-named National Security Agency (NSA) source, "Getting the gerbils in country is a ticklish situation that is a pain in the butt."

The choice of gerbils over squirrels is proving to be an embarrassment to the Bush administration. Per an un-named white house source, "We foolishly continued the Clinton administration's gerbil training program. Hamsters are the best intel rodents. No properly trained hamster would ever be taken alive!"

This content was submitted for non-payment. It is not news and no ham was eaten during the writing of this content.