Iraq and Vietnam = Apples and Oranges

Lately, folks have been telling the Bush Administration that Iraq has turned into another Vietnam.

This is how I think the president should respond to those pessimistic citizens:

Dear Americans,

Many of my critics have long since compared Iraq to Vietnam.

Well folks, I have been traveling through Vietnam this week. I've seen it first hand. And let me say, Iraq is no way near Vietnam.

Vietnam's climate is much more breezy. It does get hot, and it can be humid, unlike the intense dry heat the troops deal with in Iraq. However, all day today, we've been enjoying the lovely ocean breeze from the South Pacific winds. In addition, there is a dramatic difference in the amount of rainfall. Iraq pales in comparison, receiving only a few spare inches each year-if they are lucky!

The agricultural industry of Vietnam differs vastly from Iraq, representing yet another sharp contrast between the two countries. Why would the democrats claim that Iraq is another Vietnam, when one country is covered in tropical rain forest, and another is covered in sand? According to my children's encyclopedia, Vietnam's major exports are rice, rubber, and a wide variety of exotic fruits. The only things that seem to grow in Iraq are date trees, desert shrubs, and an irrational hatred towards the United States.

Also, the people of Vietnam and Iraq are both very different sorts of people. I've been to Baghdad several times now. The people of Iraq come in many shapes, sizes, colors, and smells - (They exercise their newfound freedom by choosing not to wear deodorant). The people of Vietnam... well, how can I say this without sounding ignorant... They basically all look the same. It has been very difficult keeping track of who is who around this so-called "socialist paradise." The other day, Laura and I were at a fancy gala. I raised my glass to make a toast, and gave a nice speech about how much wonderful progress had been made in this fine country (visit www.whitehouse.gov to receive the full speech, and a proper lesson in Ass-Kissery 101). It was a great speech, unfortunately, I delivered the whole message directly to my waiter, whom I had mistaken as Vietnam's President. You try telling the difference! I wish we had been given name tags. The evening would have gone much more smoothly.

If there is a key similarity between Iraq and Vietnam, it might be the odd coincidence that the U.S. has been involved with military actions within each nation-both of them just and noble causes. Hopefully, we won't pull out of Iraq the way we pulled out of Vietnam... If we abandoned Iraq in the same fashion, just imagine what that country would be like in thirty years... If it's anything like Vietnam's history, it would go through a long period of oppression and genocidal tendencies, followed by a gradual yielding of social constraints that will lead to a trade relationship with the Western world, Eventually it would become a thriving economy. But this will not happen... because Iraq is nothing like Vietnam. So please, stop making the comparisons.

Thank you and God Bless.