Ireland: Awaken My Spirit

I left the States in search of my heritage. The Emerald Isle was just as beautiful in person as it had been in my dreams. The velvety green stretched for miles-so far that my eye could no longer see. I had no idea that anything could be so pure, so untouched. Now, I was headed home. Never mind what I learned about my ancestors in Ireland. I found something much more precious-something worth more than a pot of gold or even the untold stories of my ancestors. I found myself.

It happened on the plane. I was in route from Dublin, Ireland to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I was twenty-four years old, and I was lost to this world. I suffered my maladies silently. My life was a secret. I was trapped in a cycle of self-destructive behavior that was fuelled daily by an intense self-hatred. Can you imagine what it feels like to want to die? I bet you can. I think we all secretly abhor ourselves at some point in our lives. But it was at this moment in time, while I was five thousand feet above the earth's surface that my future flashed before my eyes. If I did not choose to change my life, I would self-destruct. I would die. And so it followed from that moment that the decision I was about to make would change me. Forever.

I have never been a strong person. I am quick to anger, hypersensitive, and generally speaking, an emotional wreck. I can't remember ever feeling "normal"-whatever that might be. But the more I have grown and aged, the more I have observed the world and her people, the more I find that I am not alone. In fact, I have come to believe that it is paramount to the human condition to feel a sense of desperation throughout one's life. It is only the lucky ones who are ultimately able to escape this emotional web and fall into harmony with the earth. Those that transcend the human condition are the only ones who ever truly know peace. They are the people who can sit on a crowded trans-Atlantic flight and block out the screaming children, the odd smells, the need to constantly fidget. They are content to just be. They breathe, and they don't have to think about it. They just do it.

I saw a man across the aisle. I watched him just be. Amid the chaos, I watched him in his stillness. I watched him live without unwarranted thoughts to cloud his mind. I watched him in his peace. And I wanted that. I wanted to be one of them-The Few. That was the moment I decided to transcend this condition-to move beyond myself.

When I stepped off flight 4035, I left who I was on that plane. I sometimes imagine that there is a scared, lost young woman still sitting in seat A, row 18 of that 747. I see her often in others-as I walk down the streets of my city, as I go about my daily duties, as I move through this life. I see her, and I know her, and I hope that she is brave enough to transcend herself, to allow her soul to free itself of its fleshy prison. I pray for her as I pray for myself. I pray for that fragile girl in seat A. I ask that knowledge and faith aid her, that the bags beneath her eyes fade, and that she finds her smile. I have seen her haggard face in the mirror more times than I care to count. But I see it no more. No more. Never again.

Ireland's vast green fields stretch out across my mind from time to time. And I am reminded of the person I was when I walked down the streets of Dublin. I am reminded of that troubled girl who sat amid the rolling hills and watched the sun fade beyond the Emerald Isle. I have been back to Ireland in my dreams. I can smell the lush earth. I can feel the morning mist on my face. It is more real to me than anything I have ever known. I will always love Ireland. Not because that's where I trace my ancestry. Not because that's where my transformation took root. No. I will always love Ireland because there is a stillness in the fields, a quiet in the gentle rolling land, a pastoral simplicity. It takes my breath away. It allows me to be, just as I am.