"Iron Man" Cliif Notes Script

With Chris Nolan's The Dark Knight pretty much ending the summer blockbuster season of 2008, I am reminded of Iron Man, the movie that began the summer blockbuster of 2008. Let us take a walk down memory lane and remember such an old movie.

May, 2008

Advertising: Attention, summer blockbuster movie fans! 2008's summer blockbuster season begins now!

Tom: But, it's the first week of May, which is the spring season.

Advertising: Due to inflation, gas prices, and the incoming recession, we've had to start summer early to begin draining your movie budget sooner.

Tom: Makes sense. So what movie are you convincing me to see?

Advertising: Oh, you're gonna love it, Tom. It's about this super man who saves the world...

Tom: Oh, Superman?

Advertising: Not quite. This superhero's back story is that he is a billionaire industrialist who decides to right the wrongs he caused...

Tom: Oh, you mean Batman?

Advertising: Don't you dare mention that superhero in the presence of a Marvel franchise! In any case, this superhero's main villain is a super-powered, armed to the teeth metallic robotic behemoth with no mercy whatsoever.

Tom: Wait, Transformers was LAST summer. And its sequel is coming NEXT summer.

Advertising: Oh, I give up! The movie is Iron Man. Just watch it and be awed. Hopefully you'll still remember it by the end of the summer.

Tom: Ok, I'll watch it. Just one question.

Advertising: Go ahead.

Tom: Who's Iron Man?

The Movie Begins

Stan Lee: Greetings, true believers! For those of you unfamiliar with Iron Man, allow me to explain. When Iron Man was first published, America was fighting in a war on foreign soil that not many people supported and half of the American population thought the President was an idiot. Fast forward to today, where America is fighting in a war on foreign soil that not many people support and pretty much the whole world thinks the President is an idiot. Funny how times change. In addition to times changing, movie special effects have changed for the better. Today is the perfect time to make an Iron Man movie. 20 years ago the effects would be too cheesy to make an Iron Man armor suit. And 20 years from now we'll all be WEARING Iron Man armor suits. So sit back, enjoy, and eat some movie theater popcorn while enjoying this popcorn flick.

(Somewhere in Afghanistan)

Tony Stark: Historically speaking, I'm an industrialist billionaire based off Howard Hughes. I make weapons that kill people. And I'm sitting in a Hum-Vee with soldiers who kill people. It's a perfect match. And if it weren't for this incoming gunfire, you'd think I was the scariest thing these soldiers have experienced.

Gunfire: Here I come! (Bombs and gunfire)

Soldiers: Tony Stark is scary! I'd rather be shot and bombed than sit in a Hum-Vee with him. (Soldiers leave and are promptly shot and bombed)

Tony Stark: Despite the Hum-Vee being the best cover and protection, because I'm Tony Stark and the first character on-screen with a name, I'm sure I'll live through this ambush. (Runs for new cover)

Tony Stark: You know, they say somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it. I sure hope I don't run into that bullet.

(A bomb lands nearby)

Tony Stark: Hello, bomb. What's your name?

Bomb: Tony Stark.

Tony Stark: Okay, not exactly a bullet, but close enough.

Bomb: Boom.

Tony Stark: Looks like I'm dead now. Let's look at a flashback of my life.

(Opening Credits)

(Flashback)

Tony Stark: Not only am I a billionaire, I'm also a freaking technological genius. Though I doubt that my inventions of mass destruction will by a problem to the world and I'll have to suffer the consequences and then I'll go about undoing everything I worked hard to do.

James Rhodes: Not only am I a total Tony Stark fanboy, as a military pilot and weapons specialist, I'm also one of Tony's biggest clients. I guess you could say I'm his friend, but not in that homosexual sort of way. Now let's go to Afghanistan.

Tony Stark: Sure. But first, I want to have sex with someone... preferably a woman.

Woman: You're a total egotistic jerk whose company brings death and destruction. Let's have sex.

(Morning After Flashback)

Pepperpots: I can't understand why Tony decided to have sex with you, Woman. I mean, despite my name sharing the men in drag comedy routines of Monty Python's Flying Circus, I also happen to be a woman. Now I have to send Tony to Afghanistan.

(Afghanistan Flashback)

Tony Stark: I built this powerful missile system with repulsor technology. I only mention this because I hope I won't have to rebuild this missile system in a cave. And I also hope I won't have to use repulsor technology for my own purposes. Now watch this launch.

Missile System: KABOOM!

Military Suits: Cool!

Tony Stark: Now I'm in a Hum-Vee. Talk about deja-vu. I think this is where I get ambushed...

(Present time Afghanistan)

Tony Stark: So I'm not dead... but talk about being hoisted by my own petard. And why am I hooked up to a car battery?

Yinsmen: Hello, Tony. I happen to be a weapons inventor just like you. That car battery is saving your life from your bomb's shrapnel. You may want to build something more portable and stylish... like the All-Spark repulsor. And just to fill you in, you've been captured by a terrorist organization.

Tony Stark: Damn the Talliban and the Iraqis!

Yinsmen: Actually, due to the studio's wishes of wanting to be politically correct and NOT having the Afghanis and Iraqis pissed off at us and potentially bombing us later, the terrorist organization holding us hostage is a multinational group who speaks many languages like Hungarian, French, Farsi, and even English. This will imply that the terrorists may be Hungarian, French, Persian, and even American.

Bald Terrorist Leader: I brought you two here so you can make me that missile system you demonstrated earlier. And you'll build it in this cave. Talk about irony.

Tony Stark: I didn't understand a word you said. So I'm going to assume "missile" in your language means "giant suit of armor with flamethrowers" in English.

Yinsen: And while we build your suit of armor and a more fashionable repulsor magnet to keep you alive and power your suit, I'll give you a lesson in humility that will most likely be cut from the final film in favor of more action.

Tony Stark: I got my suit on! Time to kick ass! But I'm not totally convinced about changing my weapons manufacturing ways. Perhaps if someone close to me died...

Yinsen: I'm dead.

(America)

Tony Stark: I've escaped and returned to America. I want to change my company's direction with this press conference. But first, "Can I has a cheeseburger?"

(Press Conference)

Tony Stark: "I has a cheeseburger." And now I'm ready to turn my 20-odd years of weapons manufacturing around. Hug a rainbow, everybody. Make love, not war. LOVE AND PEACE!

Obadiah Stane: Not only am I the second in command of the company, I am also really pissed off about not selling weapons. Since I'm bald and this movie is equating baldness with evil, chances are I'm going to be the main villain.

Pepperpots: That was the worst game of Operation I ever played with Tony. I can't believe I'm sticking my hand into Tony's gaping hole. But this will remind him that he has a heart while ripping off a theme from the Tin Man from "The Wizard of Oz."

Strategic Homeland Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate Guy: I really need to discuss Tony Stark's escape... and find a cooler title for myself.

Tony Stark: Eh, looks like Obadiah is keeping me away from my company. This gives me plenty of time to work on a better suit of armor while rambling to myself and other robots. My computer operating system could kick Windows Vista's ass. Then again, so could the operating system of a toaster. It's a shame I couldn't clean up after myself after escaping from the terrorists. I hope no terrorists find that discarded suit of armor.

(Afghanistan)

Terrorists: Hey, look what we found! A discarded suit of armor.

(America)

Strategic Homeland Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate Guy: I really need to discuss Tony Stark's escape... and find a cooler title for myself.

Tony Stark: I'll test out my new suit of armor through flight... and discover that it shares the same weakness as a certain leader of the Decepticons. Brr, I'm cold. Now I want to party with a Pepperpots.

Stan Lee: And here I make my least subtle cameo appearance as a Hugh Hefner knock-off.

Pepperpots: And now I have an obligatory "awkward crush on the superhero" required in every superhero movie.

Tony Stark: I must make up for my past mistakes as an arms dealer. And what better way is there to stop the violence caused by my weapons than inflicting more violence with my new weapons?

(Afghanistan)

Terrorists: So... point the barrel at the person you want dead and pull the trigger. These Stark Industries weapons are so easy to use.

Iron Man: My weapons are cooler.

Terrorists: We're dead.

Iron Man: Up, up, and away! (Flies)

Rhodes: I see an unidentified flying object over Afghanistan. Decepticons! Transform and rise up!

Tony Stark: It's me! I'm the unidentified flying object! Be a good friend and call your Decepticons off!

Rhodes: Starscream! Thundercracker! Fall back! Tony, you got a lot of explaining to do.

Tony: Sure I'll explain everything as long as my explanation lands on the cutting room floor during the final film.

(Afghanistan later that night)

Terrorist Leader: I have a suit of armor that I want you to make for my fellow terrorists.

Obadiah: You're bald, but I'm balder. So that makes me more evil than you. And now I demonstrate my powers that are as close to the Mandarin as you're going to get in this film.

Terrorist Leader: I'm stunned.

Obadiah: Time to open up Sector 16, which is 9 Sectors later than Sector 7.

(America)

Obadiah: I have built my Megatron Iron Monger suit. But now I need the All Spark ARC Repulsor to give it life. Talk about irony. The one person I want killed has the one item I need to activate my invention.

Tony Stark: Son of a bitch! Oh-blah-di-Oh-blah-dah stole my Spark! Lucky I still kept my old Spark.

Strategic Homeland Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate Guy: Hi, me again. I really need to Tony... and find a cooler title for myself.

Pepperpots: I can explain everything and I have evidence against O-Sole-Mio. Not that it matters since seeing the villain in his Iron Monger suit is already proof of evil since iron suits cause death. I'll just ignore that my boss Tony also has a suit of iron so that this logical argument makes sense.

Strategic Homeland Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate Guy: I am mildly afraid of the evil villain's suit of armor... and I still need a cooler title for myself.

Iron Man: Megatron Iron Monger must be stopped, no matter the cost.

Rhodes: Aw, I wanna save the day too! Can I, Tony? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?

Iron Man: Eh... maybe next time.

Rhodes: Aw...

Audience: Sequel?

(Climatic Battle)

Iron Monger: Iron Man!

Iron Man: One shall stand, one shall fall. (The clash of Iron begins)

Transformers: Hey! We want our movie back!

Iron Man: I must use my company's All-Spark to destroy the Iron Monger's Spark.

(Ka-Boom!)

Iron Monger: I'm dead.

Iron Man: I'm not.

(Press Conference Finale)

Strategic Homeland Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate Guy: Screw it, just know that my title is S.H.I.E.L.D. Now provided Tony Stark doesn't screw up the alibi I cooked up for him, people will soon forget about this incident and we won't have to worry about sequels.

Tony Stark: I... am... Iron Man! Dee Dee, Dee Dee, Dee Dee, Dee Dee. Dee! Dee! Dee!

Audience: Sequel!

S.H.I.E.L.D. Guy: With a cool acronym like mine, I better get a better role next time.

(Tech schematic porn credits)

(Boring credits)

(Post credits)

Tony Stark: Holy Royale with Cheese, it's the original Bad Ass Mother F**ker! I thought my house was Unbreakable. I have had it with this mother f**king Snake on my mother f**king Iron Man! Now where's my Mace?

Tom: Um... I don't quite get this scene since I don't read Marvel. But it'll be fun finding out when the sequel pits Iron Man against Optimus Prime and Galvatron.