Is Adoption Really Worth It?
As a result of our experiences over the past few years, I am developing a paradigm shift in my view of adoption. It seems to me now, that if you have the ambition or yearning to adopt, you had better get the child at birth, before any negative packages can develop. This way, you can build the foundation in the youngster's life and get your love and your principles instilled into him or her before others have a chance to plant conflicting seeds.
I do not intend to say we need to leave the older children out in the cold. It is that they have most likely been bounced from one foster home to another, with more opportunities for negative influences to be put into their lives. And to consider adopting one or more of them, you need to truly weigh the pros and cons a lot more. An important factor in this consideration is your natural children, the ones you have or plan to have. What kind of siblings are these adopted ones going to be for your flesh-and-blood offspring. They have to live with them longer than you do. Now for a nightmarish example, I will share with you my lifelong experience. I pour my heart as I tell this to you.
For my parents, I was their only natural child. They yearned to have more children to love, but with their struggle to have me and a few defects I had at birth (which I thank the Lord were repairable), they decided to pursue adoption for their remaining young. As a kid, I even wanted a sibling, though preferably a little brother. But the system, at that time, kept my folks waiting for years before they paired them up with some available children. I was already eleven when they asked my folks if they would be willing to adopt two little girls, ages three and two. My response to this was still excitement. Sure, there was quite an age gap, but I figured I could not only be the big brother, but also an older positive influence. I was ready to take this on; to share my childhood home with ones in need of it.
As my sisters grew, I was like a third parent to them at times. I would play ball with them, help them with school work, buy them things, and on occasion, watch them while the folks were out. Later in their teen years, I was one of their church youth leaders and a Sunday School teacher for them and their peers. I enjoyed being involved in their lives. The youngest one was more outgoing and talkative growing up, and this made her easier to relate with. But she had and still has a major flaw with her mouth, and this did cause her grief growing up, as she would alienate and lose friends as a result all along the way. For some reason, if anyone disagreed with her, she would verbally tear them down. And after all I did for her (even telling my parents, "Yes, I will accept sisters."), and not expecting or wanting anything in return (except maybe respect, as all would hope for), she still began to use her tongue as a wrecking ball against my marriage.
The reader needs to remember, my wife left her homeland to come here. She was alone, with no family except for mine. And my adopted sister immediately begun the process of hurling negative comments towards her. My wife is a strong-willed and strong-minded person, and she didn't back down, yet she refrained from sinking to my sister's level and did not hurl stuff back. We tried at times to reach out to my sibling, but inevitably, her tongue would bite again. You just knew it would happen. And as a result, my wife considered periodically divorcing me as a result of this tyrant. Someone I let have part of my inheritance and my childhood was trying to destroy my new adult family life. A lot of this I know has to be due to packages and habits my adopted sister came into our family with.
Early in our marriage, this sibling of mine was still a kid, and I hoped she would grow up, but it didn't happen. As a young adult, she recently referred to my wife in some very explicit terms in an email to another relative-by-marriage . This guy is still trying to get to know everyone in the family. Who knows what else she has said to other family members? This was the one we caught. So now, I am trapped between a wife who was and still is hurting deeply and has threatened to leave me as a result of this (only way she feels she can escape this nonsense) and my family who still wants to love my sister (although they are upset with her for this whole mess as well). My wife has made it clear she does not want to attend family gatherings now as a result of my adopted sibling. It's that much harder for me to get back to the family farm to help my folks and see everyone now. We have a child as well, who I hope I can keep our family intact for. I am very angry, and as a guy who is pro-life in a lot of ways, I never envisioned myself praying an imprecatory prayer, but I am seriously considering it against my adopted sister. She seems to truly be trying to destroy my family. Why?
So this is what being open to adoption did for me. As of right now, I can't recommend people, especially ones with natural children, to pursue this. I know it seems ungodly, as He adopted us through His natural child's sacrifice, but this world we live in is evil. How much extra pressure do we want to place on our natural children as they work to survive in it. As for my parents and I, we thought we were doing the right thing. But now, I am not so sure. It seems to have backfired. However, I will continue to look to the Lord for more light and guidance to be placed on this situation. Yet my stance can't change on this issue until I can see further into it.
Published by J
- Adoption Nightmare: Finalized Adoption Challenged, Child RemovedOnce a legal adoption is finalized, that's it, right? Wrong. Once again an adoption nightmare case in the news highlights the fact that even a finalized adoption is not final. In this particular case, the basis of the...
The Adoption of Special Needs Children The purpose of this article is to raise awareness and let others know the joy these special parents feel because of the special children in their lives. It is to offer informat...- Post Adoption Depression: My StoryI didn't know PAD existed. I wish I had known, and what to do about it.
- Beginning Your Search for an Adoption AgencyDeciding to adopt a child is not an easy or quick decision for anyone to make. The first place that you will want to begin is by talking to someone at one of the local adoption agencies or government social workers.
- 7 Reasons to Consider Adoption Rather Than In-Vitro FertilizationThe choice between adoption and in-vitro fertilization as ways to deal with infertility is extremely personal; however, there are some valid reasons why adoption may be right for many couples. Here are 7.
- Can You Love as Much? Adopted Vs. Biological Children
- Decorating a Bedroom for Your Adopted Child
- Three Books for Siblings of Internationally-adopted Children
- Top 7 Reasons that Having a Sister-in-law Who's a Nun Rocks
- Arduous Adoption Process Worth the Wait for Arizona Parents
- "Safe Sex" is a Bust
- Tips on How to Explain Your Pregnancy to Your Adopted Child
9 Comments
Post a CommentYou sound like a selfish jerk, who thinks that he is superior to the adopted sibling. You said that you let her have part of your inheritance. No, your parents gave an inheritance to their children. You sister is just jealous that another woman has taken her place in your life, and you are too ignorant to figure that out. Sure her lashing out is not the way she should be dealing with this, but she probably doesn't know how to talk to you about it directly. You and your sister should talk to a councelor together. By the way I had the same situation with my brother, and we are blood siblings. You are being a jerk, look at it from her perspective; she misses her doting big brother.
"regular relative" wow... if this how you made her feel, no wonder she lashed out. It takes respect to get respect. Show some respect and stop calling her a "regular" relative and call her your sister, family. Maybe this would have some affect.
You and your wife need to look inside yourselves and see if you deserve some of this. Your SISTER has responsiblity and blame and this, but I think you probably do to. Find out what it is. Sit down and work this out.
Mark says that his sister was a "child" when his wife came to this country. Wisdom & foresight don't necessarily go hand & hand with childhood. Mark stated that his wife fought back with his child sibling. It's a recipe for dysfunction. Children will say things that they don't mean. To hold a person responsible for what they said as a child is not right. I still feel if there is a problem in a family between siblings there's plenty of blame to go around. What did Mark's parents do to try & help mend fences or did they simply point fingers at the adopted girls? It sounds like Mark and his parents expected these little girls ages 2 & 3 to spend the rest of their lives kissing his & his parents behinds. I'd say that adopting a child at age 2 & 3 gives a "good parents" more than enough time to instill their own values in the children. Perhaps the girls are simply a reflection of the family they were adopted into and not the biological family they came from.
continuation:
Even if a person grew up in a very loving family and community, it is still up to her if she decides to be a good contribution to it or just to be a total nuissance. Adoptive families, from the get-go generally are good people and are advocates of unconditional love as they are risking going through situations like these. I applaud them for that. It is however, a very common response nowadays for people to blame the parents because their kids are all messed up. I don't agree! Dave Pelzer, the author of the book "a child called it"(his childhood memoires) is a very excellent example. He had a teribble, unimaginable, nightmarish childhood. As a child, He became the object of his Mother's wrath and have abused him in ways you wouldn't even believe. He has all the right reasons to be rebellious, turn into drugs and just totally mess his already messed up life and drag the people that chose to adopt and love him. But he didn't!! He CHOSE not to.. And instead became a strong a
Mark, I think your article is really interesting as it tackles sensitively about family. I really appreciated how you've worded your thoughts considering what others might say and feel when they read it. It just hit me to the core because for some weird reasons, I have been in the same situation long time ago, only with my biological sibling. I just have a few comments on the people responding to it.
Missy Saffron, I think it is a little bit unfair and tactless of you to point a finger on the adoptive family right away. In the authors defense, I would say that I have seen situations like this happen a lot of times. I agree 100% with Marjorie Wise that biological siblings can be as hateful as well. And that it all depends on what kind of personality that person has. Each of us has a huge choice to make everyday of our lives what we want to make of ourselves, adopted or not adopted. Even if a person grew up in a very loving family and community, it is still up to her if she decides to b
I thank you for your honesty. As an adopted person it hurts to read what you said. It feels like you're blaming everything on the adoption. Have you ever considered if you & your parents had been more loving towards your sisters they would be different? As the adopted person in a family, I've noticed when finally found my voice it seemed to cause my adoptive brother problems. He was the one calling on my phone & my husband's phone calling me vile names. I never answered his calls. I would never address him in the manner he addressed me & continues to address my mother.
Since you claim to be religious I would encourage you to continue to talk to the Lord and ask him what you can do to be a more loving brother to your sisters, they obviously need it. How about wiping the slate clean and simply love your sisters as Christ loves you and everyone else?
If you notice that you're having a problem with a person especially a family member half of the fault & problem lies with
Mark, A biological sibling can be just as hateful. It's not the adoption part, it's the personality. Good luck.
That sucks dude
Thank You fer sharin' a bit of your life. Having children in any manner is a huge responsibility. You have expressed some interesting tidbits that are cause for much thought. ;-}}>