Is Aldi Foods Taking Over the World?

Aldi Foods is a successful grocery store chain with a singular formula: Keep things good and simple in your product offerings by selling your own brand of products to keep prices down and people will flock to your stores. The formula is working so well Aldi now has around 500 stores in the United States. Aldi's "keep it simple" strategy is so alluring one begins to wonder what other industries and social trends could be affected by the Aldi touch. Here's what might happen if Aldi's took over...

Starbucks
Two kinds of coffee: Hot and cold.

Apple Computer
First, that bite would have to come out of the logo. Then, every genius Apple device would be combined into one miracle iSomething. Wait, that's already begun to happen.

General Motors
Again, the Aldi approach may already have taken effect, with General Motors recently closing four automotive nameplates and putting its energies into brands like Chevy. We should not forget the automotive industry in America began with men like Henry Ford limiting our options to one color of automobile.

Politics
Republicans by the droves are lining up to run for President in 2012. If Aldi were to run the Republican Party, only one candidate would be chosen to represent the party's interests. But instead of the crazed, spend-happy, morally rapacious variety of Republicans we're used to seeing, Aldi would offer us a Republican with a common sense approach to politics. Someone like Thomas Jefferson, found of the Democratic-Republican party. Now there's some intelligent fare, folks.

Professional Sports
The Harlem Globetrotters are the Aldi version of professional sports. One color and they always won. Never mind that the Washington Generals were traditionally a set of all-white patsy setups. At least you knew who was going to win. That's the Aldi formula for pro-sports.

Religion
Aren't we all just a little sick of religion messing up our lives with all these versions of God, fundamentalists and faith-based terrorists flying around? If Aldi had it's way, we'd all worship one God, one way.

The Sexes
Nature was just a little too creative making two kinds of people, man and woman. That whole heterosexual marriage thing seems a bit overrated anyway, considering the 50% divorce rate we seem to be approaching. If everyone looked like that Pat character from Saturday Night Live a few years back, we'd have a lot less confusion over the sexes and everyone would know where they stand. Stand Pat, get it?

Pets
Dogs, cats, fish, birds, snakes, lizards, mice, rats, ferrets. The list goes on with too many choices and too much variety in household pets. But who needs all that? Aldi would breed them all together into one swimming, wheel-running, slithering, furry, fetching, retching, pooping beast we can all love.

Public Toilets
The days of pay toilets may be returning if Aldi has its way. After all, Aldi stores charge customers a quarter to use their shopping carts. Is charging 50 cents to take a pee so far away?

Television shows
Do we really need all those reality shows? Aldi would choose one tragically fascinating character and milk the hell out of them.

Music
It's about time these musical art forms were all whittled down to one listenable album of major hits. Rap, blues, classical, rock? Too much diverse noise. Of course we already have the Aldi musical formula in action. It's called American Idol.

Nature
Ever since something half smart crawled out of the primordial slime, nature has been diversifying itself into millions of species. But if Aldi had its way, nature would be whittled down to a few predictable, tastefully simple species that know their place in the world. The fact that this process is taking place thanks to the domineering habits of the human race makes one wonder if Aldi isn't taking over the world already.

The End Times
The Aldification of the world means we're all going to either Heaven or Hell in the end. Those Left Behind books would have us think it's like some giant video game where choices are clear and obvious, black and white, Jesus or No Jesus. But really there's a bigger picture than that at work. You're either an Aldi customer or you're not. And when the End Times come, God will know if you have shopped there. God help those who have not.