Is Being in Love a Choice?

Recently I was having a conversation with a close friend about whether or not love is a choice. He asked me, what is being in love?

Being in love for me means I love the man as a human being, and am attracted to him sexually. It sets my heart into high hope whenever he is around.

I do not think being in love is a choice. Sticking around if things are bad, now that is a choice. Just look at domestic violence victims. They are in love usually, but staying is not in their best interests. Sometimes we can be in love with someone and completely addicted to them. That's when love becomes a source of external validation.

Love can be created within ourselves, and then shared with others. If we do not love ourselves, then we really are not loving others. Rather, we are looking for others to "save" us and prove us worthwhile with their love. And that's how sad situations like domestic violence, codependency, and love addiction take place.

Sexual attraction can happen in an instant. Love cannot, unless it is platonic familial love like a mother has for her newborn baby. Real love must grow over time. I can't tell you what time period is right, but if you've known someone for two hours or two days and you're both declaring mutual love, then likely it's not that. It may be attraction, even addiction, but it is hard to truly love someone you just met.

Love is the ability to put someone else's needs ahead of your own, without being a victim about it. You cannot help someone else until you help yourself. It's like the concept of oxygen masks on an airplane. Put your own on first, then help your child and others. Being in love is the same concept. Know yourself, know what love is, then try to share it with others.

Sex is not love, and love is not necessarily sex. It's not hard to have sex with someone, but really loving and caring about them happens naturally over time. It's not necessarily a choice. I've experienced being in love with people when it's really inconvenient and maybe not even appropriate. I've been attracted to people but not been in love with them. Think about that good looking classmate or co-worker or soap opera actor. Sure, you may be sexually attracted to them, but being in love with them is impossible without really knowing or spending time with him or her.