Is Britney Spears Crazy?

Much has been made of the recent events in the life of Britney Spears, leading to the inevitable question of her sanity. Is she, in fact, crazy? Yes, she is. Dr. Julius Erving, a psychiatrist who has not treated Spears, said, "No, I haven't treated her."

The assessment of craziocity comes down to a few key factors, including her surroundings, actions and indicators of the instability of her psyche. Through a close examination of recent events, it is possible to pinpoint the precise amount of crazy that has infected Spears. This highly scientific look at the life of Britney Spears illustrates what behaviors and events have made her crazy and which ones have not.

1. Singing forgettable pop music for almost a decade. This is a clear indicator that the crazy has reached critical levels. These levels were made still worse by other recent activities.

2. According to testimony by her bodyguards, Spears repeatedly stripped in front of her bodyguards and made them wash her clothes. Does this make her crazy? No. If I had a bodyguard I would totally make him do my laundry.

3. She's from Louisiana. Is this indicative of crazy? Yes. Have you ever met anyone from Louisiana? Holy crap, they're crazy.

4. Shaving her head. Was this a cry for help from someone in the depths of mental anguish and insanity? No. It was an indicator that she intends to make worthwhile music in the tradition of Sinead O'Conner. Duh.

5. Marrying Kevin Federline. Was it crazy to marry him? I once went insane for a day simply by seeing a photograph of him. Choosing to see him in person, daily, is messed up. The chart above illustrates how multiplying the crazy resulting from seeing a photograph of Federline, by how many times she actually saw him in person, resulted in crazy. As you can see, the chart indicates that her craziocity was raised to an all time high by the marriage, as well as taking out a few innocent bystanders.

6. Beating an occupied car with an umbrella, knowing full well that she was being filmed. Crazy? Heck no. Imagine if everyone got into trouble every time they beat a car with an umbrella. If it were an unusual occurrence, car insurance policies wouldn't come with umbrella liability coverage.

7. Being photographed without underwear. Was this crazy? Yes. You would have to be insane to get so much waxed. A simple bikini wax would have sufficed. I created a proprietary algorithm just for occasions such as these. The results clearly indicate that getting that much waxing can easily sap the remaining sanity out of someone who was just hanging by a thread.

The results of this study, as indicated above, leave little room for doubt that a combination of waxing, bad pop music, Louisiana and Kevin Federline have led to a severe mental state. The only treatment at this point may be regular sessions with Dr. Erving. "Yeah, if she came here I'd see her. She has insurance, right?" Dr. Erving said. Indeed.