Is Desperate Housewives' Eva Longoria for Real?

When I first heard of Desperate Housewives, I immediately did not care. As the summer of 2004 wore on, I kept hearing buzz after buzz of the show. Never in my young life had I heard of a show that was being plugged as incessantly as this satire about five women living, loving and killing on Wisteria Lane.

I did not watch the premiere, and as of yet I have yet to sit through an entire show. Yet every time I turned on the television, got online, or turned on the radio, I was being bombarded with Desperate Housewives this, Desperate Housewives that. The show has only started its second season, and already it is overrated.

Felicity Huffman notwithstanding, the actresses aren't that great. The plot is too far fetched and campy, even for a gay man like me. But I am not here to talk about the show. I am here to talk about an actress who has, in the last year, become the center of the pop culture universe. She is, of course, Eva Longoria.

Ms. Longoria, a beauty queen from Corpus Christi, Texas, was a relative nobody until she signed on to Desperate Housewives. Sure, she was on The Young and the Restless from 2001 to 2003, but it wasn't like she was Susan Lucci or Erika Slezak. Upon DH's massive debut on ABC, people starting talking about her.

I did not really care about her. To me, she was no different from any one of the starlets in Hollywood. But I slowly starting getting annoyed with her. As the first season progressed, she started appearing on virtually every magazine cover in the universe: People, OK, Us Weekly, etc. I was surprised that she hadn't graced the cover of Cook's Illustrated! Oh, and don't get me started on that vibrator thing in Rolling Stone.

And then, in July of this year, something "shocking" happened. The Emmy nominations were announced, and forecasters were predicting that the show would nab the most nominations and give all five women a shot at the Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series award.

While Ms.Huffman, Marcia Cross (formerly Kimberly Shaw Mancini on Melrose Place), and Teri Hatcher (formerly Lois Lane on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) would make the final shortlist, Ms.Longoria and former Knots Landing/soft-core porn star Nicolette Sheridan were snubbed. No one seemed angry on behalf of Ms. Sheridan, but everyone's knickers were in a twist about the academy giving Ms.Longoria the finger.

I am going to tell you this right now: Eva Longoria did not receive an Emmy nomination because she cannot act her way out of a paper bag. There is nothing about her that suggests a real actress. For the love of God, Jenna Jameson has better range than Ms. Longoria, and she earns her bread and butter with her legs up in the air! There wasn't this much hullabaloo when Juliette Binoche bested Lauren Bacall for Best Supporting Actress honors at the 1997 Oscars.

As if things didn't get bad enough, there was a brouhaha surrounding a work-related accident. A pole hit Ms. Longoria while she was filming an episode in August. With the media coverage surrounding it (especially on Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood), you would think that it was Queen Elizabeth II who had the shiner.

Weeks later, she appeared at the MTV Video Music Awards in Miami (before Katrina hit, mind you) in a tasteless outfit, and upon introducing Mariah Carey's performance, gave an equally tasteless sound byte: "I wasn't going to let a little hurricane keep me from wearing a bathing suit!" It was that little insensitivity that made me realize the following: Eva Longoria was overrated, and it was only going to become worse.

Why is the media so obsessed with this woman? Is it because she is attractive? Is it because she is on a mega-hit television show? Is it because she only stands 5'2" and looks that good? The answer to all three is a resounding YES. Not since Jennifer Aniston has a woman with so little talent become such a hot commodity. But then again, many Hollywood stars have no talent and they rake in paychecks that mere mortals like you and me will never, ever get our hands on.

To me, Eva Longoria is the poster child for what has gone totally wrong in the world of entertainment: while image has historically been a factor in making someone a star, it has become virtually the only thing. Having a modicum of talent no longer makes you a star. In fact, talent may be a liability in some cases.

Women like Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, and even Marilyn Monroe combined glamorous looks with at least some talent back in the glory days of Hollywood. If they were around today, Ms.Longoria et al would inadvertently cause their careers to go down the toilet.

I do not wish ill will on Eva Longoria. She is just starting out, and maybe she will become a real actress one day. But if you put Ms. Longoria and Dame Judi Dench in bikinis and stood them side to side and asked me "Which one do you prefer?", I would choose the dame over the damsel. I know class when I see it.