Is a High Self-Esteem in Children Self Destructive?

You may remember hearing the importance of teaching self-esteem to our children at school, home and church. Low self-esteem was blamed for many things including low test scores at school, teen pregnancies, drugs and violent behavior. School reformers spent millions of dollars trying to raise the self-esteem of students, in hopes of eradicating all the ills of society.

What is wrong with helping a person feel good about him or herself? What is wrong with encouraging? Nothing is wrong, unless that praise and encouragement are done in excess to the point of insincerity. What happens when kids, or adults for that matter, receive feedback that contradicts their favorable view of themselves? What happens when people think so highly of themselves that they feel others are not giving them the respect or attention they deserve? If they've been told that they are wonderful and great and not to let anyone tell them differently, they may act out when someone clues them in to their imperfections.

Studies of violent behavior show that high self-esteem is more associated with violence than is low self-esteem. Look back at one of the most horribly violent people in history. Do you think Hitler suffered from low self-esteem, or from an over-inflated view of himself and all those like him? Nazism was based on the idea that certain people were superior to others.

Too much emphasis on making kids feel great, no matter what, may lead to problems down the road. Kids deserve to know about their weaknesses, along with their strengths. They need to learn that they are loved, but that they, as well as everyone, have room to grow. Kids should be taught that not everyone will win, not everyone will get a prize. Yes, we need to stand up for ourselves when we are wronged, but we also need to be gracious losers and understand that sometimes, we will be the one who is wrong.

It's wonderful when children can get this kind of balanced view of themselves at school, but the main place children should be learning this is in the home. At home kids can learn and make mistakes in a loving and forgiving environment. True, this is not always possible, but hopefully we can work to make it possible.

School shootings and other violent crimes are often perpetrated by children! Each year, the criminals seem to get younger and the crimes more violent. Of course when these kinds of things happen, we need answers. Why did it happen? How could it have been prevented? Our efforts are often solely focused on the guns, the drugs, the mental state of the offenders, or the outrageous media coverage. All of these issues are important and they deserve serious attention and even legislative changes. However, I believe so many of our problems with violence can be lessened if we get back to the basics: Helping our children build strong moral character in the home, and giving them a balanced view of their own self-worth.

This is a solution that will take time to make a real difference. It is easier to go to Congress and demand changes than to begin the slow process of teaching our children about love, acceptance, and life in our homes. But we must make sure our children receive this important education in our homes. While the government works out the laws in Washington, we must work to raise children who will respect those laws because of their healthy sense of their own self-worth.