Is Your House a Home?

Have you ever visited someone else's house and felt so at home, but couldn't figure out why? You may have attributed that feeling to the cozy atmosphere or the hospitality that was shown during your visit. But could there have been something else - something much more profound that contributed to that feeling?

Not every house is a home. A home is more than just a building where people reside. You can live in a house by yourself or with loved ones and not really feel at home when you are there. There are some key factors that make a house feel like home.

Warmth

Spiritual warmth is one contributing factor to a house feeling like home. This is warmth that emanates from within an individual. It can help to create a magnificent haven. And the lack of it cannot be covered up with expansive square footage, expensive furniture and decorations or top-notch housecleaning. The beauty of warmth is that while it can be felt within a home, it is also highly portable! If you have warmth inside of you, people will most likely feel very comfortable around you. You can even live alone and be perfectly "at home" because of the warmth that you carry inside of yourself.

Connectedness

Whenever there are two or more people sharing a house, there needs to be some degree of connectedness in order for them to feel at home with one another. Connectedness does not mean being related by blood or marriage, or sleeping in the same bed. It means sharing a bond that is deep and meaningful. Like warmth, it is an attribute not of the house itself but of the people who live there. People who are connected have usually taken the time to get in tune with one another and communicate openly and frequently. Years ago, when I first entered graduate school, I found myself residing in a residence hall with students from various countries across the globe. On the surface, we couldn't have been more different; we came from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds and suddenly found ourselves in a building full of strangers. As we began to converse, eat, study and hang out with each other though, we formed our own home away from home. We were quite a hodgepodge of individuals, with different accents, skin colors and backgrounds, but we bonded in a very meaningful way. And it all began with a little bit of warmth and a desire to connect.

Familiarity

I have experienced visiting a person's house for the very first time and feeling completely at home. There was something very familiar about the person or people who lived with them - something that perhaps even reminded me of my own family and upbringing. There have also been instances, however, in which it took time for this familiarity to develop. For example, when my stepchildren first came to live with my husband and I, the lack of familiarity that we had with one another made creating a home a bit of a challenge. Though I had already been in their lives for a couple of years, this was an entirely new arrangement for all parties involved and there was a lengthy adjustment period. We shared a house, but it took time for us to feel at home together under the same roof. Before we achieved that, my stepchildren made frequent references to "home," which in their minds was at their mother's house. Over time, we slowly bonded as a stepfamily and the children came to view themselves as having two homes - the one they shared with us, and the one they shared with their mother. But this took time, patience and a shared desire to turn our house into a home.

Safety

A house that doesn't feel safe is not a home. I mean this primarily from a psychological standpoint, although within some residences there is a level of dysfunction that makes them physically unsafe dwellings as well. A place where there is mistrust and where people walk on eggshells, withdraw from one another, or engage in negative, unhealthy forms of communication is likely not to feel like much of a home. Safe people create safe homes, where everyone can feel free to be themselves and be accepted unconditionally for who they are.

Acts of Love

I wouldn't be too quick to assert that the feeling of love itself makes a house a home. Even within some houses where love exists, it may not be expressed in ways that are healthy. Sadly, in some residences, it is not expressed at all. People may go through the motions of doing things together out of routine (such as eating together) but are not actually doing them out of love. An act of love is more than a good deed done out some sort of obligation. It is an act that lets another human being know that they are special to you and that you value their presence in your life. It comes from a positive place and therefore transmits positive energy.

It's hard to turn your house into a home if not everyone who resides there exudes warmth, values or works toward connectedness, desires to create an atmosphere of physical and psychological safety or is emotionally receptive to acts of love. In residences where these things aren't present, it can feel as though a dark cloud looms over the house, even when the sky above is a beautiful shade of blue. However, every human being should have the experience at some point in their life, if not their entire life, of truly feeling at home in the place where they reside.