Is it Jealousy or Lack of Social Skills?
You like to Spend Time with Your Spouse -- but How Close is Too Close?
A great article on Pyschology.com talks about jealousy and does a pretty good job of breaking it down into categories. For example there's "healthy jealousy" where the couple wants to make sure they are noticed and appreciated and then at the other end of the spectrum is "unhealthy jealousy" which is the "Sleeping with the Enemy" kind of jealousy which treats a spouse like a piece of property. If indeed I can be accused of being jealous then I'd like to think that at least it's the healthy kind.
To that end, what I have noticed - and my wife bless her just doesn't quite see or understand this -- is that a lot of Italian guys who are married and have families have seemingly all but ceased communicating with their wives. By "communicating" I mean saying something a little more profound then "What's for supper?" or "It's your turn to pick up the kids." I see this all the time. And it explains why -- when many couples go out -- the men tend to hang together and the women get with the women and each group talks about whatever it is that each group talks about. Or the husband of one couple talks with the wife of another couple. I've been in Italy off and on for the better part of two decades and I just don't get this.
Here's an example: my wife and I went out the other night with some friends -- parents of a friend of my daughter. We decided to go to a movie and dinner. Now maybe I'm alone in this -- if so -- please someone correct me, but if I go out to a movie, I don't care if I'm with the Pope, I want to sit next to my wife. I want to hold her hand during the romantic parts, comfort her during the scary parts and laugh with her during the funny parts. Want to talk about the film afterwards? No problem, let's all get together and chit-chat. But during the movie I want to be with my wife, not with the husband of the other couple we went out with. This is an "Italian thing" that I have had limited success dealing with since the get-go. And on this particular night out -- sure enough -- somehow or another my wife and I got separated while going to our seats and the next thing I know I'm sitting next to the husband and my wife is seated next to the this fellow's wife.
And this gets misconstrued as me being jealous - because I want to spend time with my wife.
Later, my wife had tried to explain this to me: "During the week these people see each other every day so when they have a chance to go out, it's natural that they want to be with someone else". Did I miss something here? Geez, I said, "...I see you every day during the week, but when we go out I still want to be with you and talk to you..." Does this train-of-thought carry over to other parts of a couple's life? Is that why so many [Italian] men cheat on their wives - because when they go out after a long week of seeing their spouses, they want to "Hang out with someone else?"
From the movie we segued into dinner and darn it if this guy wasn't attached to my hip as well. I'm not sure what the proper etiquette is when seated at a table - I'll look it up after I finish this article - but again, gender groupings do little for me.
Anyway, www.all-about-jealousy.com has found a niche market that resolves around jealousy and helping people deal with their jealous nature. Thing is I just don't feel jealous.
Now maybe what I need to do is get more in touch with my jock-intellect so I'll look forward to getting with the guys at the end of the week while we talk about French drains, carpentry and sports. Until then, I'll allow myself the luxury of spending time with my spouse and enjoying it.
Without feeling jealous.
Published by Gary Picariello
I've traveled the world as a Broadcast Journalist working for the American Forces Radio & Television Service in the United States Air Force. Now happily retired after 23 years of service, and currently livin... View profile
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- For this reason I am accused of being jealous.
13 Comments
Post a CommentYou know, gender segregation doesn't do anything for me either, and I've noticed all the things you mention too. Good to hear these thoughts from a man. But can I ask you a question? Are you interested to talk to other women in a social group, or just your wife. I ask this because I've noticed that men often don't seem to think women have anything interesting to say, especially in countries like Italy and France where I live. Cheers.
Very interesting article. I think your wife is lucky to have a romantic affectionate husband who wants to sit by her in the movies. I think it sounds like you are pretty healthy. I wonder about the guy wanting to sit by you. Why didn't the women sit in the middle with their husbands on their other sides? Great article.
By the way, Italian food are very delicious!
You sound like an old-fashioned romantic, which I think is a nice thing for a husband to be. I do believe Americans are more integrated at social gatherings genderwise than other cultures.
Hohoho.... Man... if being married is complicated in the USA, it seems it is even more complicated (not to mention socially tricky) in Italy! ;o) Nah, you don't sound like the unhealthily jealous type to me, bro.
I'm with you Gary. I wouldn't be able to handle living in Italy. If I wanted to sit with my own gender I would just have a night out with the girls. When I'm out with my guy, I want to be with my guy. I just don't get it either.
I noticed the same there, especially the seating when dining out. The people with me sat across from their spouse/partner and, as you said, carried on conversations with either the person next to them or across from them, but never with their spouse/partner. The same holds true for most Italians living in the U.S.A. So, Gary, don't go to movies in a group. Save them for a date with your wife so that you don't have to share another guy's popcorn. ;)
I think it's wonderful to see someone happily married and want to spend time with their spouse. Nothing wrong with that! Might as well have a girls or guys night out if they want to get away from the spouse!
Gary, I hear the frustration in your voice, but two humorous images kept coming to mind as I was reading this. The first is of Ricky Ricardo blowing his top when he thinks Lucy is having an affair; the other is of Barney Fife making a pest of himself when Andy and Helen want to be alone. I think your attitude is entirely reasonable, but I'm an American. I've never been to Italy and don't know much about Italian custom. When I lived with a Belgian family a number of years ago, the husband would spend a night out with his office mates, as was custom, and it didn't bother the wife one bit. Maybe you can compromise, have your wife on one side and the husband on the other?? Although I understand your discomfort, it doesn't sound like a huge problem, and I suspect in time you'll work it out.
Sorry to Mrs. Gary, but I'm on your side. There isn't anyone I'd rather be sitting next to in a movie (or dinner) than my husband. In fact, I feel uncomfortable otherwise. And I absolutely despise the genderized groupings at many parties. Personally, I find the mens' conversation much more interesting. But I see that phenomena here, too. It is especially noticeable at holiday dinners. We've also experienced the problem with both sides migrating away from their spouse in conversation. I LOVE talking with my husband, but I often see spouses who either "talk over" their mate, or ignore the inputs altogether. I can see how these "traits" might be exaggerated in Italy, though. But I'm still thinking you have the right idea with your preferences! ;-)