Is Your Mate Controlling You? How to Read the Signs

When I met and began dating my ex-husband, I thought I had found the perfect partner. From the beginning, he was attentive and interested in my life and my children. I had been a single parent for most of my children's lives and had struggled both emotionally and financially with this over the years. He stepped right up and began taking care of us, buying tickets for the three of us to wonderful concerts and taking us on wonderful vacations. All things we had never been able to do before. My girls loved him and were thrilled at the opportunities he was giving them. I thought that my days of struggling were over, finally. What I didn't realize was that the struggle had really only begun.

After a short time, we moved in together. He bought a house for us and assumed all of the costs. He paid the mortgage and the utilities, the groceries, and he paid for necessary home improvements. I really thought I'd hit the mother lode. Right up until we were married six months later. Once the papers were signed, he truly took over my life. He took over all of my bills except my car payment. He continued to plan trips and take us to concerts. It wasn't until the end of the marriage that I realized these actions were not based in generosity. They were acts of manipulation pure and simple. He believed that by controlling my finances, he was holding me in the marriage. Knowing my penchant for shopping, he believed I would spend all of money on that pursuit and would, therefore, be financially unable to leave him. One of his parting shots only confirmed this. He blasted me with, "You didn't have two nickels to rub together before I came along and you'll have nothing when I'm gone. What kind of existence is that?" Point made.

Shortly after the wedding, the bottom truly fell out. My oldest daughter, who by the way was the perfect teenager, became his target. This was a child who got good grades in school, held a job, didn't drink or do drugs, whose goal was to remain a virgin until she fell in love, and who never broke curfew. His complaint? Her room was a mess. And, I'll grant you, it was. But as parents know, you have to pick your battles. I'd have rather had a teenager with a messy room than one who was out drinking and doing drugs or flunking out of school. Oh, the battles over that room! He became obsessed. He controlled every discussion with, "I have to make my point." In his opinion, his opinion was the only one that mattered and, of course, he was always right. He was pompous enough to truly believe it. He had no empathy at all for me or for my feelings never mind those of my daughter. There he was trying to control not only my daughter but my parenting style as well. As I told him in a horrid discussion where he was trying to convince me to force my oldest to take birth control, parenting is the one thing I excel at. I didn't need his help or advice. And yet, there he was, trying to control even that.

In the meantime, he managed to manipulate not only my finances, but my career decisions as well. At one point, I had decided to pursue my secondary education certification. Bearing in mind that I already held elementary certification and have a Master's in ESL, I believed that a secondary certification would only make me more employable. He, in no uncertain terms, told me why it was a terrible idea. As I sat with tears streaming down my face, he derided me and accused me of not looking out for the interests of my children considering the oldest was getting ready to leave for college in the fall. And I let him talk me out of it, a decision I regret to this day. In retrospect, having done so would have opened up several opportunities recently in my career. For example, if I held that secondary certification today I would be teaching summer school as we speak. However, because my certification only qualifies me to teach English up through ninth grade level. As my principal needed someone certified to teach through twelfth grade, I am here writing this article rather than working.

In addition, he also controlled and manipulated my relationship with my parents and friends keeping me isolated from all who cared about me. Toward the end of the marriage, when I began to break away to spend time with family and friends, he panicked. He knew that if I spent time with those people who cared about me outside of his control, I would eventually see that he had completely taken over my life. And he had. When I called my parents to tell them we were getting divorced, my mom said, "Thank God! We will finally get our daughter back. He completely took over your personality." As I was driving at the time, it's a wonder I didn't wreck the car! She went on to point out that everything that defined who I was in terms of my style and personality in the house were stored in the basement. He took over decorating our home which was something I had loved to do. All of my precious sentimental belongings from my grandmother were pronounced "junk" and stored in the basement. Again, he proved this in a parting shot. During a discussion involving the property settlement, I pointed out that I would need certain items including furniture and appliances as I had sold most everything when we moved in together. His reply? "It was a crap anyway. You didn't have anything before you met me."

Wow! Had his opinion of me always been so low? Apparently. But then again, so had my opinion of myself. Otherwise, how could I have been so easily manipulated and controlled? What he saw from the moment we met was someone who believed in her heart she wasn't good enough. That without someone to mold her, she would never be anything let alone have anything. My own self-imposed limitations had allowed him to come into my life and take over.

That said, what we need to do before becoming involved in a relationship with someone is to be sure we are in a loving relationship with ourselves. It is often said that you can't love someone else without first loving yourself. Not a truer statement was ever made. Get to know yourself. Get to know your demons and your triggers and excise them. Get to know you. Fall in love with yourself. Let go of past mistakes and begin to value yourself. Then, and only then, will you attract a loving, healthy relationship rather than one based on control and manipulation.